A little Spark love, please....
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm eating for comfort sometimes, and for reward. I'm eating sweets. It doesn't feel good.
There are some reasons, I'm sure, and I examine them to try to find solutions.
1) I miss summer fruit. It really did do away with my sugar cravings. So I have come up with some alternatives. They involve going to the store and doing some food prep. Okay, I will do that in the morning. I'll make a healthy fruit crisp, and buy the fixings for fruit smoothies, and I'll even pay too much money for the last California strawberries if they're still available!
2) The changing weather. It's just a hunch, but the lack of sunshine seems to bring about major carb cravings. I have been trying to get out every time the clouds part, but that hasn't been very often. Sigh.
3) Extra stress at work. I read recently that stress, real or perceived, depletes serotonin, leading to cravings for tryptophan-containing foods. I've also been craving dairy A LOT -- and eating way too much of it.
4) Loneliness. My closest friend has kind of disappeared. I feel sad. She's got some stuff going on, but it's just weird to be without her company. We spent so much time together, and it's like she's vanished in the last month. Sad. I've been reaching out, getting together with other friends, but it's not the same. I miss her.
Then, after I list all these things, I feel like I have no legitimate reason to be discontented. I have an enviable life. People all over the world are suffering all kinds of agony, while I'm privileged beyond belief. So I'm minimizing my feelings and acting like they're not valid, which isn't particularly healthy....
For the first four months of my sparking, the eating part was a breeze. I wasn't hungry, and I felt so good all the time about my choices. I ate extremely healthily and felt like I'd found the answer to a life-long dilemma. Now some of my old emotional eating has returned. I eat sugar, and I crave more, and I get weirdly hungry at odd times. Sometimes I want to binge. I just want to give up, let go, and eat until it hurts. YUCK!!!!! I don't like that feeling at all. It's wretched to feel that way again.
I'm still doing mostly all right. My weight loss has slowed, but that's okay. Over the past 5 weeks, I've lost 4 pounds. For the first four months, I was losing at a rate of almost double that. It's okay. I'm okay, sort of. I'm just not doing as well as I was before.
I'm writing about this because I want to get back to that positive place, where I am excited about the Spark journey. I haven't been blogging much, probably because I don't want to share the crappy stuff, only the good stuff. Well, here it is, all the crappy stuff. I'm blah right now -- not feeling terrible, but not really great either. Just blah.
I really, really want to stick with Spark. These changes are so important to me and I don't want to give up! I started to cry as I typed this…. It matters so much to me. Being able to change my eating and exercise, and therefore my body, has been so empowering! It's been like the final frontier. I managed to go back to school and get a career that is satisfying. I got my life together in lots of other areas too, and the last hurdle was this habit I had of eating my feelings. Letting go of that felt like an entry into a whole new life. And now it's back, at least a little.
Eating for emotional comfort has been in my life since childhood, and there was a good reason I kept doing it: it worked. If it hadn't worked, I wouldn't have done it. It just has some very unfortunate side effects, so it's time to stop, time to start a new chapter.
Anyway, I know that some of you out there in Spark land will have gone through a blah patch, or had your old habits rear their ugly heads after you thought they were finally gone, so I'm hoping you'll have some advice for me. I could really use some comfort that isn't food right now.