When will the storm end?
Friday, October 07, 2011
After re-reading my last post 5 months ago, I am shocked to find that I feel even less confident than I did at that point. My mother's passing was such a horrific speedbump in my life, and then to lose my grandfather as well... can I just say that life is really kicking me while I'm down? I've heard so many times that we supposedly don't receive anything in this life that we can't handle, but I am SO at my limit here!
I'm learning that grief really affects people in ways that you can't imagine. After my grandfather's death, my father became so violently angry about all the grief that he decided he needed a target for his hurt-- and so he created a reason to blame me. He has since cut me out of his life. I feel so upset and hurt; worse than that are my guilty feelings at not trying harder to mend that relationship, despite the fact that he's always been an angry, abusive person.
Right now, I am taking my life one day at a time. Hell, sometimes I'm reduced to one minute at a time. But at least I'm still "taking my life," so to speak. My emotional eating has resurfaced, which is frustrating because I have worked so hard over the past two years to develop healthier habits and ways to handle stress. I am going back to basics, re-learning how to take care of myself. I just really hope that my life can start settling down so that I can also re-learn how to live, really LIVE, not just survive.