When I Binge

Saturday, October 01, 2011

When I binge I get tired walking up the stairs to my bedroom.
I dress quickly without looking down at my stomach.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, figuring "at least I can do that".
I get under the covers, convince myself tomorrow will be better.
I close my eyes, remind myself of all the times I've proved it won't be.
I wake up, blissfully unaware,
then I remember. I weaken. I berate. I deflate.
I try to find something to wear to cover the mistakes of last night.
Usually black. Mourning the loss of a promising day.
Knowing nothing will taste as good, nothing will feel as good.
Defeated before I begin.
My morning coffee loses its comfort.
My first meal makes my stomach turn.
The angry voice telling me "you'll fail" is too tired to form the words.
Disappointed in me I guess, for making it too easy.
For proving it right.

When I binge I lose my light.
I don't enjoy my time with people who
in other circumstances
make me smile, laugh out loud, feel alive.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you for writing this blog. You can come back and read this as often as it takes for you to break this cycle. I know you can do it.

    Audrey Hepburn said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says Im possible.

    Much love my friend xx
    2451 days ago
    Oh, dearest spark friend! Let me start with a hug for you. emoticon
    I hope that writing that honest and amazing blog helps you turn a corner and realize that you don't have to keep repeating it. That these things can go away (even if only for a few days) but only if you can forgive yourself. You need to think about what you'd tell someone you loved very much if she came to you with the same feelings. Then tell those things to yourself, because you deserve to be treated with the same care and kindness you'd extend to others! Day 1 can be a day of pure power. And maybe not all day 1s end the way you want them to, but each one can start with promise. But you have to let it. You have to let yourself laugh at yesterday and shut it up when it tries to tell you it's coming to get you again. Grab it by the throat and...or whatever other imagery does it for you. We're rooting for you, but you have to root for you, too!
    2451 days ago
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