I am a jerk
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Yeah I am. And I know it’s automatic for people to say “No you’re not!”. But I am. I realized it yesterday. I have had a tough couple of weeks with losing my job and then taking another one. The gym is fine but I am not getting the hours or pay I need to sustain myself. I took the job yes because I am into fitness but also because I was unemployed at that moment and am not the person to turn down a job. So as time has gone on, I have continued to pursue other options, mostly other hair salons because it’s what I do and I enjoy it and in the end you can make more with a license than just minimum wage.
I hadn’t found anything. I went on a few interviews but nothing panned out. And all along I had been kind of depending on this one wedding I was doing on October 8. I do bridal parties, and this was a big wedding, 65$ a head because we have done many weddings and have the experience and references. I would have made about 400-500 dollars depending and it was going to pay for the tickets for the theme parks on our upcoming vacation. I was depending on it because I wasn’t working at a place where I was making enough money so this lump sum would cover it to keep me from having to further myself into debt.
The girl cancelled. She found someone to do it for free. I won’t go into being pissed and angry that I was played along. Or that I had done many many trials for this bride in order to make sure she was happy. I spent a lot of time and energy on this project thinking it would pay off in the end. Immediately I realized I can’t afford our vacation. We have a room, flight, and car booked for Orlando and no money to go to any of the attractions. I realized realistically, we might have to cancel.
Now let me pause and tell you I am PMSing. And that as a result of PMS I can be outrageously emotional and unreasonable. Hence, the following argument.
I was very upset and started to get down on myself. I made a trip to wawa that I wish I could erase that involved Reeses and some chips. We won’t talk about that. And then I took it out on my boyfriend, the ONLY person who supports me in everything I’ve ever done. We had an argument, which was dumb because in the end he was only trying to help me find a better job. And I felt like crap for being a jerk.
So I was depressed and upset that night, feeling like everything was wrong and everything was terrible. I kept thinking I am poor, I’m broke, Matt has to handle the bills alone, I can’t do this. Then I went to bed.
It really is crazy how the next day can seem like a world away from an overly emotional pity party. I really wanted to go back in the Delorean and smack myself. I woke up and we discussed it and said we will see what we can afford when we get there. Why was that such a hard conclusion to come to? THEN I am called for an interview at the salon in MACYS. I am on the phone with the manager for 45 minutes and we click immediately and she loves me and can’t wait to meet me. THEN. I get a letter from my college about the Digital Sonography program I am in and I found out I am going to be put on the waiting list later this month.
I have said before I believe in signs. I believe that the universe tells us when we are being jerks, when we are being impatient, and when we are being good.
This was the universe saying “STOP WHINING!!! You have so much going for you! You have a man who just told you he would fight forever to keep you. You have a home that is your own, not a tiny apartment, not sharing a house with anyone, not living with your mom. A HOME. And a healthy fit body that you got back after fighting for over a year to get it that way. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND STOP WHINING!”
So I did. Last night I cried and cried and cried. I was so depressed, so down. Tonight I am okay. I am realistic about this interview. Good things could come from it, or I could end up not getting it. I will always keep looking. I am very motivated and I know I can do anything. I have been able to maintain my weight for almost a year. I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams in fitness and continue to push myself further. I need to stop whining and see that I am very lucky. And basically that’s my blog. Yep.