Every day I write the book
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I’ve gotten in at least a half-hour workout every day this week, since Sunday.
This is a rare and wondrous thing.
I have to admit, part of it is down to the craptastic Gold’s Gym Upper and Lower Body Cycle I picked up in the evil store of doom I rarely shop at, last week (starts with a W). This is a very grandiose name for an EXTREMELY simple peddler. No display, the adjustable tension is… not so much (it’s either easier than it has any right to be, or hard enough that I can’t get the pedals to go around without getting stuck periodically. Not because I haven’t got the strength for it; it just… gets stuck). It is, for lack of a better way of putting it, a cheap p.o.s.
It’s a cheap p.o.s. that, even when I don’t feel like working out, I can put on the floor in front of me and still get a workout in.
Is this ideal? No, of course not. But normally, I’m either too busy or too tired to manage to get even a 30 minute workout in every day. I usually manage 2, maybe 3. With PMP going on, I’ve been averaging 2 REALLY KICK-BUTT, hour-long workouts a week, with a couple of cardio workouts on other days if I’m not in too much pain.
This cruddy little cycle, for all that it’s… well, cruddy, gives me the chance to be a lazy-a$$ without actually being a lazy-a$$. I can watch a little TV for a change, instead of running around like a crazy person trying to get random things done, and still feel like I’m accomplishing something and moving towards my goals. It’s simultaneously useful and relaxing.
I feel pretty darned great, to be honest.
Between the bike-like thing and Wii’s Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout (suddenly, I’m a shill for Gold’s Gym. Not sure how that happened; I’ve never been to one), plus my strength training via a custom-generated kick-butt 58 minute long workout on EA Sports Active 2 (almost entirely strength training with my little 3lb weights – can’t wait to order my CAP dumbbell set on payday - with a few boxing, step-aerobics, and running sessions thrown in for cardio, plus lots of stretching at the end)… that crazy thing that I’ve heard other people talk about, but which I’ve never really been able to wrap my head around, seems to be happening.
I’m starting to enjoy exercise.
For the record… not so much, while I’m in the middle of it. I curse out my “trainer,” I piss and I moan and I sweat and I DO NOT LIKE reverse crunches, and the digital trainer guy berates me cheerfully as I lay flopped on the floor, dripping and miserable, trying to force my abs to do just a few more of them. This is not fun for me.
But looking at my arms and seeing more definition there, and hoping and waiting for my ol’ lady batwings to start slimming down, and… well, my calves were pretty hardcore to start with, actually, but I think I could crush walnuts with them now, and I’m really looking forward to seeing something similar happen to my thighs… and feeling the exhilaration of knowing there are things I’m doing better now than I was a month, or 2 weeks, or a week ago… it’s wonderful.
Last night, I had a friend coming over. Normally, I would’ve taken the night off. But she was running late, and instead of sit there and stew, and get bored and eventually give in to eating something I shouldn’t just because I was bored, I pulled the faux-cycle out and did about 40 minutes on it. And then she texted me and said she was still running late, and I popped open the laptop and did some of this week’s PMP assignment, and holy crap, ow. Calves - fantastic, loved it, even through the pain. Thighs – need to wear tighter pants, the tennis ball kept getting stuck. IT Band – holy crap, ow. I’m sorry, but either I have to have been doing that wrong, or a tennis ball just doesn’t have enough surface area to do the trick on my fat thigh. It didn’t so much feel like the soreness of muscle tension release as it did, “Ow, I’ve fallen on a tennis ball and it’s leaving a bruise.” Gotta get my hands on a foam roller. And when my friend finally arrived, I was sweaty, but I was thrilled I’d gotten a workout in. Which is very different than what I’d normally have been feeling at that time, which is as if I’ve gotten away with something because I’m taking the night off.
Tonight, I will print up my pictures of Aeryn Sun, my new lifestyle change motivation, my fitness and weight loss goal, and add them to the new corkboard tiles I’ve put up on the opposite side of my bedroom from my initial vision collage. If I’m lucky, I can find some of her working out, too – there were a few times she did that on the show. :-)
I’ve gotta keep this momentum going, because that’s always my downfall – I have good intentions, but no follow-through. I’m not very good at the whole visualization thing; I don’t really SEE my endpoint, most of the time. It’s this nebulous, “I have to lose weight so that I won’t be the fat girl,” thing, but it’s nothing I can hold on to; it’s just me beating myself up for being who I am. That’s why this whole Aeryn Sun Halloween next year thing is such a big deal. For the first time, in all the times I’ve tried to lose weight, I have something to AIM for. Not just, “Lose 20/40/60 lbs,” not just, “Work out at least 30 minutes a day 4 times a week,” because while all of those are things I need to do (at least!), they’re not a good *reason*. I’ve never HAD a reason, other than hating the way I look and not wanting to get diabetes (not wanting to get diabetes is a very good reason, mind you. It’s just not very easy to keep a picture of that in your head). Hating yourself isn’t a good reason to do anything; as I’ve read over and over again here on Spark, hating yourself can only carry you so far. And that’s as far as I ever get; I don’t get IMMEDIATE results, so I get discouraged and give up, because I have a very negative outlook. It is incredibly easy for me to say, “Look at you, you can’t even get this right. You might as well just give up. Again. At least when you’re fat, no one expects you to care about yourself or be a part of the world around you.” It’s soooooo easy. It’s not healthy, and it’s not TRUE (people do care, and they do expect me to care too, but if I’m hiding myself away from the world because I hate who I am and how I look, they don’t really get much of a chance to discuss that with me), but it’s easy.
Even when I was on Jenny, and lost just shy of 40lbs (which was my original goal when I went in, but was then talked into changing it to 60), and went from 205 to 169, I didn’t really get it. I let guilt from having to report my activities to someone else be my motivator, and yeah, it worked, but as soon as that went away… so did my weight loss! It’s OK if that’s a part of it, but it can’t be the only reason you keep at it; it doesn’t work, not alone.
So… vanity. I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do it the right way (healthy food, consistent exercise, lots of water, MORE SLEEP, the occasional slip up because no one is perfect but without the self-flagellation afterwards), and I’m going to look bloody brilliant by this time next year.
I am down with Yoovie’s cocoon plan. Come spring, people will be amazed.
And I’m going to keep telling you that. Because I want you to keep telling ME that. :-)
I posted the Aeryn plan to Facebook yesterday.
The world outside of Spark knows that this is the plan. I have stated, publicly, for the record, that I am going to do this.
40 lbs gone.
In a year.
I will be a buff sci-fi chick in black leather (or PVC; depends on budget and which one looks better on me).