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Back to the Future: Re-Committing, Re-Thawing

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Yep: Back on track, re-committing to myself and dusting off all the stuff I know that works for me as I have written before. I'm coming to appreciate more & more the value of blogging and building a reservoir of one's trials and tribulations and more importantly, of one's wisdom and self-knowledge. When life pulls the rug out from under and you're frozen like deer in the headlights? You have all your smarts chronicled away in your blogs. I google 'em...where is that blog I wrote about...? Works pretty well!

How did all of this get started? After I did that awesome NYC Century I got an e-mail from Brightroom...a service that takes zillions of photos of athletes at events such as marathons and cycling, etc. They then offer to sell you photos of yourself in action. I thought: cool! I could finally get a good pic of me in action on my bike!

Well I went to look at the pics and was not very happy with what I saw! Despite my internal feeling and perception of myself as a light & sprite cyclist zooming about the city the external reality was a whole different story. Who stuffed that pillow bunched up around my belly as I'm bending over riding my bike?!?!

Well *I* did, that's who!

I saved a few thumbnails from Brightroom...not going to pay for a blow up of THESE! My 1st reaction was to tuck these away in shame. But I've decided I will share them after all as a motivator for myself. I want to look on a bicycle like I FEEL when I'm grooving to a workout while listening to Pat Metheny's tune "Eighteen": www.youtube.com/watch?v=
Revved, light & sprite!

So here are the thumbnails from the ride:

And here are a few that showed up under my number even though I don't see myself...just to share a few more itsy-bitsy slices of that Big Apple:

Now I realize it's only been a few days, but I've been back to my morning treadmill workouts, tracking all my food on the nutrition tracker and most importantly this morning I jumped back on the scale after an oh-so-long hiatus!

Like many of you I have a real messed up relationship with the scale. I struggle so NOT to give the numbers such power to BOOST or CRASH my self-esteem. They are just numbers. Like so many who have been successful in losing and more importantly maintaining their weight I'm still learning how numbers give me power. They remind me that in this world where SO much is beyond our control there are some vitally important things that are ALWAYS under our control.

I anticipated a much higher number on the scale and was amazed to find myself weighing in at 238. Not a good number at ALL, but a do-able number. I've been here, done this and although I'm getting tired of doing the Sisyphus rock-rolling up the hill I'm pleased to find that I haven't lost as much ground as I have in the past.

It seems when I let myself go and do my own thing I gravitate around the 240 mark. Although I take *some* comfort in this I know these are some decidedly dangerous waters in which sharks patrol! www.youtube.com/watch?v=

Dusted off my old workout room as my fitness center is STILL bouncing back from the flood. I got over this sense of going back to "kindergarden" in retreating to my old home workout routines which I followed before joining the fitness center and am now getting up in the morning and tackling my treadmill 1st thing in the morning before my day runs away with itself.

It worked before. It will work again!

Another thought: a rebuttal to myself in an old blog where I contemplate this seeming "set point" of 240 which I reach when left to my own non-tracking devices. I once upon a time considered: is 240 "good enough"...? After all the extremely high weights I've run in my past, can I take comfort in the ability to maintain myself around 240? Is it "worth it"...? All the tracking, vigilance and diligence?

My present answer (hey, I realize NOTHING is ever set in STONE...!) is: Nope. It ain't good enough. I'm still WAY to critical of my body at this weight and there is far too great a dissonance between the lightness of my spirit and desires and what this body of mine will allow.

What's the magic number? Perhaps the 200 pound mark I reached in March 2010. We'll see.

Another goal I'm dangling in front of me? Dancing. I'm hearing that, of all places, a local martial arts studio offers a low-key beginner's dance class which might be a good fit for me. I may need to lose a little more weight before I jump in as I am OH-so-self-conscious and critical of my body and klutziness. We'll see...

But I really do YEARN to match my body with the ever-in-motion spirit of lightness and brightness that so often courses through my being!

Yours in SPARK!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    WOW!! That's sounds like an awesome bike ride!!
    Me? I'm glad to just be able to do my 40 minute walk!
    And you did the hills!!
    You're a motivation to us "sparkies!"
    2392 days ago
    Wow ... I LOVE this blog! I'm a biker, too ... and I know how awesome I feel on a bike -- until I ride by a plate glass window and actually SEE myself. hahaha -- at least we FEEL that great, right???

    I'm with you (as it appears many of us are, by looking at these comments). It's time to re-gear, re-commit, re-assess. You inspired me to go back to my food tracker (can't believe how long it's been ... I used to be PERFECT with that!).

    Ride on, brother.
    2392 days ago
    We spark friends are here for you, you are doing great emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2393 days ago
    Woohoo, Don - you continue to be an inspiration! Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my reaching goal (58 K) and I'm still determined to get back there, although I also have entertained thoughts sometimes of this current weight (62K) being "good enough." We'd rather have "great," right?
    2393 days ago
  • CHRIS3215
    Don, YOU will get YOU back!!!
    I also been there a few times & know how you feel..
    Your pictures are nice I even hate seeing my own self in pictures & I see stuff I don't like either..

    It's great you are getting you back & you know we all are here for you all the way!!
    OK BUDDY, GET MOVING & emoticon emoticon
    2395 days ago
    This is a great blog.

    I think what happens to a lot of us is we are flush with success and we kinda, sorta, lose those old pictures. Or they get shoved to the back. And then, if we backslide at all, we have this skinnier version of ourselves in the front of our minds. And either we're in denial or at least we are not owning up to our issues.

    That reminds me - I definitely should change my big pic on my page. That's about 20 lbs. lighter than I currently am. It is untrue. I need to fix that.
    2396 days ago
    Your 240, my 190. I've been up and down the fitness trail, bouncing off low weights near 190 three times.

    Thanks for the blog. It's another testamonial to the adage that I can't out-train a crappy diet, and to the conclusion that I'll need to track my food for life. So I may as well get good at tracking, because it isn't going to go away when I get to goal.
    2397 days ago
    Never forget just how far you have come, Don!!
    2397 days ago
    Thanks for the inspiration - I've been hanging out far too long at my still-too-heavy pre-baby weight (baby is 7...) & I know what I need to do to change that - just need a kick in the behind to DO IT!
    2397 days ago
  • DEBRA0818
    Weight loss and maintenance feels Sisyphian to me too, but I cannot stop trying to roll this particular stone up the hill. It's good exercise anyway!

    Cheers, Debra
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2397 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    what an awesome job you are doing.....
    your journey motivates so many here...
    blessings and hugs...lita

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2397 days ago
    I needed to read this! I'm right there with you, time for me to stop making excuses and continue doing. I also struggle with that scale in the same way. thank you for the reminders and the honesty.
    2397 days ago
  • JLITT62
    It would be really nice if this were a journey that ends, but it just isn't. The good news is every go-round we learn a little bit more about ourselves.

    Dancing is fabulous exercise. I am so not graceful, but if DH would even tolerate it, I'd sign up in a heartbeat. Don't let your present weight hold you back!
    2397 days ago
    You live in my heart as the "ever-in-motion spirit of lightness and brightness," Don. That's Who.You.Are. Yeah, now to match the shell with the inner reality!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2397 days ago
    You're doing a great job of getting back on track, Don. I can sooo relate to your comment, "I'm getting tired of doing the Sisyphus rock-rolling up the hill!" I guess we just get "weary in well doing" sometimes and wander off in the tall weeds for awhile. emoticon

    Best wishes emoticon
    2397 days ago
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