My UP's and Down's. Literally!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I will start out by saying I've been through so many ups and downs with my weight and my health. I lost over 200lbs throughout the years and gained 200lbs throughout the years. I will start here.....
I was a very skinny little girl. When my parents divorced I was almost 4 years old . My dad used to get very angry with me for not eating. Which in turn scared me enough that I didn't want to eat until I was forced one time and actually threw up right after because I was so upset.
I have been very emotional from as far back as 3 yrs old up until this present day. I've battled with my emotions. Some say I am weak because I show my feelings. When I try to keep them in it makes me worse.
I believe I've suffered depression since I was 3. My path to life was just beginning and I was very sad.
My mom got remarried when I was 4. My biological dad, well I loved him so much. As much as a little girl can love her daddy. And he loved me more than anything else, for the next few years.
He got remarried when I was 6-7. He married a woman who already had 2 children a girl my age and a boy several years older.
As time went by I started to hate the weekends I had to spend there. I lived with my mother and saw him, if I can remember correctly every other weekend. My step sister and I fought all the time. My dad gave her and his step son all his attention.
He coached her through sports and did all the things with her, he had wanted to do with his own daughter, but I wasn't interested in those things.
My parents never stopped fighting. They fought in front of me. Screaming matches and even one time my dad and step dad had it out on my front porch as I stood at the door watching them through the glass shingles.
This was before my dad got married though. Afterwards he could care less about what my mom did.
I used to hear my step mother talking to my dad about giving me up to my step dad for adoption. He would always disagree with her, and I would have a sigh of relief. He still loved me even though I wasn't good at sports and other things like that.
When my mom married my step father I started to become a happy little girl with him around. My mom was visibly deeply in love with him and he loved me and showed me all the time. His family embraced me as their own. My new Grandmother introduced me to what we called "the wonderful world of food". I didn't know at the time the way she cooked was very unhealthy, all I knew is that it tasted so good. She used tons of butter and salt and I could eat 5lbs of her mashed potatoes. She made fried chicken like nothing I've ever tasted before and she loved making cakes and various other deserts.
I started getting chubby around 8-9 years old. That is when I became aware of my body and how it looked. I didn't like it and to top it off I started puberty early. My mind wasn't catching up with my mature body and I developed a very low self esteem.
The kids started to tease me in school about my training bra I had to wear in 2nd grade. When I got my period the boys and girls found out by going into my purse, in 5th grade and tossing my pads around in the school yard like a game of ball toss.
I was mortified. My breasts were bigger than my mothers. I couldn't understand it. I had the body of a very "curvy, hourglass" 16 year old at the age of 12.

But back to my dad. When I was 10 my step mom would constantly pick at me about my manners at the table, if my elbows touched in anyway or if I took "too" much food. She also had magnets on her refrigerator making fun of fat people because of her own low self esteem. Which of course I didn't understand at the time.
All I knew was she was skinny, had very small breasts and my mom, well she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Outside of my opinion, she was and still is a very beautiful woman. She was also very thin when I was young and always worried about her weight. I wished I had smaller breasts and a flat stomach like her. She would spend hours on her hair and makeup everyday. Growing up, even though I wasn't pleased with my looks, I didn't have the time to make myself "beautiful" everyday for school. Remember Lynn, it hurts to be beautiful. That was a saying in my house, from my mom when she would do my hair and makeup for certain occasions and when she did my hair everyday when I was little. I hated it.

Boys called me ugly at school and the girls frowned down upon me for "growing up" faster than them. What did I know, I was so embarrassed by my chest I developed a slouch.

One night at my dads house I overheard the conversation about adoption again. He began to cave. He even talked to me about it and what my feelings would be on it. I was dead set against it of course!!
It didn't matter, it happened anyway. It was one of the saddest days of my life when he told me in a park on a park bench my step dad would be my dad, but I could see him again when I turned 18. So everything was just fine.
He didn't want to do it, looking back I know that now. He cared more about his wife and his professional career he was building than hanging onto an emotional little girl, who didn't share the same interests as he did.
It was bittersweet, I was sad and I was happy. My step dad was so happy and I loved him so much that it made me happy.
I never stopped loving my dad, or missing him.
I never understood fully why he did it. I had to try to find out the reason. My mother said it was money, he said I was being torn between two families.
I couldn't remember details like that when I was just a little kid.
It hurt my mom very much that I wanted to have contact with him when I was 18. She would always say" should I pull out the papers he signed giving you away? Taking you away from your Grandparents?"
When he "gave me up" he said I couldn't see my grandparents anymore as well. It was part of it. As an adult I learned that he lied to me and to them. My grandmother had her own issues with her son but when she found that out, when I was an adult and married with a child, she disowned him.
They never made peace and she said "when I die I do not want him at my funeral". She died and it killed me. She was my best friend when I was little and became it once again when I was 18.
He went to her funeral anyway. My grandfather didn't have the heart or the will to stop him. He was too grief stricken.

During my teenage years I was constantly concerned about my appearance. I felt ugly and fat almost all the time, not to mention I only grew to 5ft tall. I weighed 116lbs when I was 16. When I saw that number at my doctors I cried. I thought I was fat! All the other girls in school weren't built like me. My parents didn't realize it but when they said I had the body of stripper and danced like one, it made me feel even worse.
My Doctor said exercise, it will make you feel better. I asked him what I had to do. He said you could start with some sit ups. I looked at him like he had 3 heads. Sit ups! Oh My Lord, No Way! I hated exercise. Let alone sit ups. They just plain sucked.
As I grew into a young woman I found myself being interested in older guys. The boys didn't like me at school. Except for one, my boyfriend of almost 3 years in high school.
He thought I was beautiful. I didn't and his friends would ask him why her? She's ugly. I know now I wasn't ugly. I just wasn't in the popular group. I didn't follow the clicks. I was my own person. As I am til this day.

Time went by and I lived with a man 13 years older than me that I had a crush on since I was 12.
I left home at 18 and moved in with him. My parents, more my mother, was crushed.
I was unhappy, I felt like I was in a prison. I had 2 brothers, who I adored and hated to leave but I was like their Mom and their Dad. My parents always had me watching them, taking care of them, since I was 9 when my brother was born. I was never given enough freedom a teenager normally gets. If my chores weren't done to perfection. I couldn't go out to the mall with my one and only best friend that weekend. I had no social life. I couldn't even go out with my boyfriend.

So my relationship ended my with high school sweetheart and I became a young woman on her own living with an older man I loved deeply. Everyone thought he was taking advantage of me because I was young. He wasn't. We didn't have relations til 9 months into the relationship. I was a virgin up until then.
I gained weight when I moved in with him and was settled.
That's when the real issues with my weight started.

Things slowly diminished and I met another guy, much closer to my own age. We got close very quick and I got pregnant. Than the real story of my weight gain came into play and I was at constant odds with.

This is how it began.
We were engaged to be married, 2 years later so we thought. I got pregnant and we were married 3 months later. We should've never gotten married.
However we both got the greatest gift a person could get and that was a beautiful healthy, chubby baby boy.

I gained a ton of weight with my first and second son. 78lbs for the first boy. I started at 127 which for me was o k at that time of my life and the way my body looked. I'm 5'0 and petite as well. I was always, always dieting or on some starvation diet and I hated
exercise, still. I did it though. It didn't work.

I would really love to have a tummy tuck. Even before I had children I wanted one. I always had a belly. Belly and boobs and skinny legs. My stomach was only flat when I weighed my lowest, when I got pregnant with my second son years later. I probably couldn't get it approved by my insurance, surgery is high risk for me as you will see why below and my husband now that I married in 2009 and known for 8 years before that, won't hear of such a ridiculous thing.
This man, high metabolism, toned athletic body who has problems keeping weight on. Oh how thrilled was I when the real pounds started.

After my first son was born I was stuck at 160. I hated it. I was used to being a little chubby, like I said I've always been well "endowed" but this stomach was just gross to me. I had a c-section. At first I pushed for 2 hrs, was cut, high forceps and suction but he wouldn't come out due to his shoulder width. He was 8lb 10 oz and that is big considering my size, and my husband at the time, he is barely 5'3. We had the biggest baby in the nursery that Christmas day. Yes my son waited til Christmas Eve to start his way into this world. He was born at 3:37 pm Christmas Day.

I was a weeble wobble with him, no joke! I couldn't lose the 40lbs I so desperately wanted til a year later. Did it by myself for some number of months, joined Jenny Craig lost 10lbs, became too expensive, than they decided to hire me as a weight consultant and I learned a lot there about food and exercise and was able to lose the rest of it. I exercised my butt off though. I HAVE to, my body requires it. Just like I had to study hard to get good grades. Nothing came easy for me.

Years later I found out I had cancer on my 26th bday. Hodgkins Disease. Very close to the 3rd stage. I knew something was wrong with me 2 yrs prior but doctors kept waving me off when I said the lumps in my neck reacted to my menstrual cycle. I was around 115lbs than, only because I thought I was doing everything right but I was so so tired all the time and developed night sweats. Luckily for me my Mom was discussing my symptoms to her neurologist and he immediately went across the hall to an oncologist and got me an appt right
away. Right before that happened I was giving up going to the dr's and thought this was just
something about my body I had to live with, not knowing it was cancer. Hell I even went to a dr who, after seeing a cat scan, saw just a bunch of white cloud looking substances in my whole chest and neck and wanted to crack my chest open! No way!!! I got even luckier my Aunt lived next door to a general surgeon who said he would do a biopsy on me right away,
than a few days later I got the bday present I didn't ask for.

Before I knew I had cancer I had already split up with my husband, wound up losing my job because I was so tired and taking care of a 4 yr old myself and in my first apt as a "single" person. Everything went downhill after I found out. My unemployment was about to run out, I was getting a very strong dose of chemo and it was supposed to be weekly but my body was so weak I could only handle it once a month. I even had to be medicated to trick my body into thinking it had more white cells than it did to get the treatment. That medicine made me feel like what I think, if you were alive to experience, rigamortes. It hurt all over and I could barely move my limbs, my bones actually hurt.

After the money wore out I moved back in with my mom at 26, with a 5 yr old and still separated. Luckily my ex husband turned his original hatred into empathy for me and our son, he let me stay on his insurance. So we couldn't get a divorce. He did this solely on the fact that he lost his mother when he was 12 and knew what it felt like to have a parent die. I wouldn't have survived w/out his insurance. The chemo didn't work. I had to go to a radiation oncologist and had 28 straight days of radiation. It was hell and the sickest I've ever been. I had to go on very strong pain killers and became addicted. Even though I mentioned to the dr when he originally prescribed the medicine, "isn't this highly addictive and given to ppl that are already
dying?" he said if I become addicted we'll deal with that when the time comes. The first few weeks on the medication made me feel so sick but got rid of the pain. I was down to 105lbs by than. I was even given "legal pot" to make me eat. So I was getting high off of them and eventually built up a resistance to the pain med and got addicted to that.

I wouldn't have fallen into that hole if my "love life" with the man I was so in love with was very bad at the time, but I was too drugged up to realize or care really , what was going on. I was still
receiving radiation. It was coming close to the end of the treatment and the dr didn't think it
worked and refereed me to a "stem cell" Dr. He went over all the things I'd have to go through
to beat this and it was overwhelming and I would be hospitalized for a month just having them retrieve my stem cells and filtering the blood and basically putting it back in. I was adamant I wasn't going to go through that, but my mom, who was with me the whole way through, insisted and because I had a son, that made me go with whatever they decided to do to me.

After a few days of that awful meeting I got the news that the radiation did work and I was clear and in remission. I was so relieved and happy but scared because I didn't know how I would build my life back up, by that time I was finally receiving disability. I couldn't kick the drugs, I gained weight. About 20-30 lbs and the way they said "we'll deal with that when the time comes" meant putting me into rehab. It was awful. I was too sick to receive half the medication to beat the withdrawal from the cancer treatments. I remember I had a great appetite there and ate my face off. When I got out everyone was commenting about my weight gain in the matter of 6 days. Turned out I was allergic to the sleeping pill they gave us in the rehab and had to stop, and the new dr I was seeing who specialized in drug problems wouldn't give me anything else, cause it could be habit forming. So I didn't sleep for a month.

Time went by and I kicked the habit, got a place for me and my son to live, had a job at a restaurant as an admin assistant. It was a family restaurant that also specialized in their homemade ice cream. I gained weight and was starting to have serious back issues. The
pain was becoming intolerable. I tried to exercise and diet .
I stopped working there and soon started taking phentermine. Than later on my husband (who I am currently married to) and I was trying to get pregnant w/my second son and I wasn't
conceiving . Luckily it was just a lack of a certain hormone that I could take to have the
right levels" and so fortunate the cancer didn't affect my reproductive system. I
stopped the diet pills and went up to 160lbs . After he was born, another c-section, I
suffered a pulmonary embolism, a heart and lung problem because of it, a week later after he was born. I knew I was too swollen in the hospital after his birth but the nurses just
waved me off.

I than had an allergic reaction to a new anti depressant, that wasn't monitored closely like
my Dr said he would. I just kept calling with my newest problems, and unfortunately had to
deal with an assistant to the Dr who had an opinion of everyone she talked to and assumed
things of me and broke HIPPA regulations.

Because of her that led to a lot of weight gain and the opposite effect an antidepressant is
supposed to have. Caused many extra medical problems because of it. I had so much steroid
in my system to help my back hence, I found out 4 of my discs in my low lumbar section of
my back were basically dust and I had disc disintegration disease, and was especially feeling it than because of the excessive weight gain.

I battled back and forth w/addiction, weight, depression etc. Recently I went through a very
traumatic time, I had been in my biological fathers life for several years now and all of a sudden something I wrote got twisted around by someone else and he believed that person and gave up on me, just like that, again. I finally came to the conclusion that he was a coward and was so worried about his career and marriage, the fact that I had mentioned I would never give up my children in a conversation was twisted into a conversation I was discussing myself and my bio dad about and it wasn't true.

I completely broke down and was diagnosed with PTSD. That was the last straw my soul and heart could handle and it triggered a nervous breakdown. Was the worst thing I've ever felt
above and beyond all I had fought through still can't grasp why that particular incident made
me crack and not everything else I've been through, and there is so much more! This is
the short version!

Good news is I've been sober for over a year. I have a personality that tends to want to "disappear" when things go wrong and drugs helped me do that. I'm an addict and always will be til the day I die. I'm only human and had very small slip ups but nothing ever came as close to what I did before. I took as prescribed when I needed something and I consider that a slip up, just having to take something for pain when I had so much trouble with it in the past. I proved I could control it now. I was a changed person. This is someone who couldn't take a pain pill w/out throwing up before I got cancer and later developed a very high tolerance.

For a year now I have devoted myself to making my body stronger and healthier everyday. I am
on this site everyday for the past 2 months! Been fluctuating. Not sure of the cause. Medically everything is in order . I'm just older now, and have had a lot of damage done to my body. I thought I broke a plateau when I lost 4 lbs after months of 1lb here or there and then I was recently sick and put on an antibiotic and I'm holding water and gained it back +1, despite following my diet and exercise plan. I missed one day of working out. So who knows! It's so much harder for women than men. I know I was a weight consultant once.
Me and my boys Now
Good Luck and Congrats to everyone else on here! You all give me hope that I need so badly. Especially now. Feel free to befriend me! I'm always interested in meeting new ppl on the same path, or have been on that same path. I'm a great motivator. Just not to myself!
Me Now
My life through Emoticons! Ha,Ha :-)

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    ok we're more than just soulsistas, we have to be twinners seriously the only things that were diff in my life was I didnt have kids, my father was an alcoholic, and my troubles were always with my knees and not my back everything else is pretty much exactly the same even at the same times in my life...weird huh?
    3033 days ago

    emoticon so much. You shared so much with me and I'm so grateful ...everyday the "bad" past fades..I'm working at it and focusing on my children and my newest goals. Having positive people in my life help more than I ever imagined!
    I won't forget about you! emoticon
    3042 days ago
    You deserve the love you want. Give it to yourself
    3046 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/26/2011 5:45:17 AM
    A paraphrased inspiration for me from the bible is that when I was a child, I reasoned and acted like a child, but when I became an adult, I put away childish things. This inspires me because like you, I too have experiences with PTSD. However, I'm learning every day that my past isn't my present, and the past can't hurt me unless I let it.

    Intentionally I read motivational books, stories, etc. I do so to remind myself that nothing has to stay the same, especially feelings. They change and with those changes come new opportunities to change my life.

    The pain of the past is in my head only. Those moments in time no longer exist, and it does me (and you) no good to hold on to what's already gone. Today I am making the decision to live in the present. The past can't hurt me. The past can't hurt you. Make today count as a beneficial day.

    You and your children are beautiful. Simply accept this as true because it is. As long as you focus on the bad stuff, the bad stuff will happen. Choose to change your mind and I assure you, your life will change. It's up to you.

    I lived in a "poor me" world for a long time. Over time I came to realize that we all have a story. We've all had sadness in our lives. We've all been insecure for one reason or another.

    We all can choose to look at ourselves differently and accept our uniqueness. We can't change the yesterdays, but we can certainly change our todays to make them brighter tomorrows. A change of mind is required. Just change your mind, and watch the miracle happen.

    I thank you for sharing your past. Now let it go. It's over. Today . the first day off the rest of your life. Live in love with yourself. You deserve it.

    3046 days ago
    Bless yours emoticon and ALL OF YOU for stopping by to take the time to read about me. Thank you for the support and your kind words. People would/will tell me being emotional and showing it is a sign of weakness. There were times I thought they may be right. When I tried not to be myself, I just felt worse. If it's the only way I have of expressing myself and getting things out w/out wanting to share that's what I do best. emoticon I'll always wear my heart on my sleeve, emoticon but now it's got a few guards keeping a look out for me . emoticon I believe I am a fighter, people have said so but I questioned myself. Than one day it just clicked emoticon and I realized nobody has been able to hold me down and keep me down, I always wind up putting up a fight. I have a lot of passion just waiting to come out more and more everyday, writing and singing helps me guide my emotions and passions into a stable place. Helping animals find their way to a better place, loving them, reading books and talking to friends is what I need to focus on. Besides my children this is where I feel most at ease, now if I could just live by the water, the ocean, than I'd be complete. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3065 days ago
    Bless your heart! You are a real fighter! You are awesome! Keep it up girl! Thank you for sharing!!!
    Your friend,
    3066 days ago
    Oh, my gosh. You've really been run through the wringer, sweetie. However, I believe you've got the right attitude and are in the right place (SparkPeople) to encourage you on your way to being happy and healthy. Keep up the great work.

    3071 days ago
    Wow, what a story! Thank you for sharing!
    3071 days ago
    Hi- it's Abbemine - Yes I read your story and it shows very "Up
    and Down" situations, feelings and actions. No one deserves to go through what you have, however God had a plan for you. He showed you, you can overcome whatever comes toward you. And you can still give birth to two beautiful children. As for the spouse effect, God lets you make choices and if you fall, he teaches your to stand up and do something about it. And you did.
    So now enjoy your life. Give thanks everyday to the God who made it possible. Take care and God Bles emoticon
    3072 days ago
    Thank you SOOO MUCH for reading. I need all the support I can get. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3072 days ago
    It sounds as if you have a plan. Thank you for sharing and I hope that it was beneficial to write it all down and get the emotions out there. It is a very brave thing to do. emoticon emoticon Debi T.
    3074 days ago
    You are a very strong young woman to have been through all that you've described. I wish you much success for a very bright and happy future.
    3074 days ago
    Thank you for taking the time to read it and for your support! You take care of yourself as well. emoticon
    3075 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your story. Keep up with taking care of your self and make a healthy choose.
    3076 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.