The Truth...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I have fallen into a depression that I am more embarrassed of than my weight itself...
I have accepted that everyone gets to see me everyday,..they know what I look like,..I cannot hide my physical instead I have hidden my inner pain,... I dont hide it well,... The spark I once had, diminishes every time I take a good look at myself... I dont take very good care of myself anymore, and I dont think I deserve more than what I can give myself.

...but the truth is...

I know I wont be like this forever, as much as I have beaten myself up, as often as I belittle myself, my acceptance over my own failure, My fragile shell being broken, My weekness, beyond every difficult day I barely make it through, I have NEVER thought for a SECOND I would be fat forever. Its not that its not an option, its more like its something I know... Im thankful for this, because its the only thing that ever brings me back.

...but the truth is...

i have never accepted why I am fat, Ive never, not even to myself... been completely honest. Im not even sure if I really know why, but I haven't ever put the blame on me... School, parents, genetics, depression, life, food.... Ive found lots of places to destribute all the blame. Truth is I eat too much of the wrong things,... Im WAY too over educated about food and excercise, to not have a way better life style.

..but the truth is..

I have no clue what Im doing,... Im weak, and I need someone to drag me through this,..

...but the truth is..

I dont trust anyone. I dont trust their motives, there intentions, their opinions, their loyalty... NOTHING... and I dont know why, It scares me all the time.

...but the truth is..

Im such a rambler, Ive already seen and been through so much, and now im stuck in this same ass situation, and Ive never felt so simple. I dont know what I want, or where I want to be. I think this puts the breaks on any other questions or problems I have going on around me.

...but the truth is..

Im a fool. I just obviously dont try hard enough. Does it really get more complicated than that??

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh sweetheart, you are WORTH IT. You have a healthy whole body and a mind and you are here for a reason. You might not know the reason yet, but how will you ever find out if you don't give yourself a chance? Sometimes our motivation is hiding in the stupidest and most random places. Do some digging and try to find yours! And be proud of whatever it is!

    I personally think you have the prettiest hair and I am jealous of it. Try not to be so hard on yourself doll - you are gorgeous! Think of weight loss as a way to be stronger and more bada$$, not to be some supermodel prototype society makes us feel like we should look like. You ARE SOMEONE, remember that!
    3518 days ago
    Omg i could have wrote this blog. Created the watch me shrink challenge to overcome this.....
    It's private, will invite if u r interested. Go to my all the blogs titled watch me shrink from teammates and the comments...if u want to be part of it...msg me!!!
    3518 days ago
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