Lowly lurker...lost motivation.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
This is from an email I sent a good friend of mine yesterday and another today:
"I've become a lowly "lurker" on Yoovie's team challenge now. :( :( I didn't do one bit of the last week's challenge. I've fallen off the wagon...my motivation has left me. I'm still looking forward to my 5k for some reason, even though I haven't run since I walk/ran out to Starbucks a week ago. I'm going to buy running pants tonight or tomorrow. I must!
I haven't been paying close attention to my eating. I haven't been moving much at all. Definitely not more than a walk at lunch. I can walk 2.5 miles easily in one hour lunch break though. That's good. I haven't been tracking my fitness or my calories burned or eaten in Sparkpeople at all. I mean, I'm sitting here eating oatmeal and coffee though for breakfast, which takes me about 1.5 hours to eat, just because I'm doing work stuff or I'm just eating slowly, like grazing. My lunch is homemade soup with potatoes, barley, onions (I think...), chicken stock (homemade), and other stuff I don't remember...it's homemade though and thick from the barley and potatoes, so it's filling. Plus I have brown rice for later with seaweed. I did bring some Pocky (Japanese chocolate covered biscuit sticks...sooo yummy) for a bit of chocolate. And an apple maybe? I forget. But it's not like my daily eating routine is too bad. Dinner is usually my downfall, but it's all been homemade recently unless we're at a family thing.
I don't know. I've lost my mojo for now. The weather changed and got cloudy and cold and I'm not motivated to go outside, even though I should more than ever to get ready for winter and the non-existent sun season. :(
Okay, enough of this. I'm not feeling that bad. Except, well, this is random, but yesterday Matt and I went to go spend time with Baba. She asked me in the middle of some conversation, "Are you on a diet?" And I immediately said, "Of course!" I said it somewhat sarcastically but in all seriousness, and then when I realized my automatic response, I tried to back track a bit and say, "Well, I watch what I eat..." And she said something about herself too and not wanting to cut out foods she loves. And I said that that's what I do too. I still eat what I want, but I try to balance it all out. But anyway, my automatic response made me really sad. I was truly resentful of how I have to live my life "dieting." And yeah yeah, I've been saying lately "it's a lifestyle, it's a lifestyle..." and I really was believing it. I've lost my momentum though, and that has made me resentful when I try to jump back into it all.
I think I need to buy a pass to the rec center. It's the fancy gym that I have to pay for. Lame. But I would feel much more motivated to go there than to the other gym or to go outside at this point. Grrr.
Okay, I really am done on this email thread now. I'm okay with the fact that I'm off the wagon, but I am wishing I was still on it. But wishing gets you nowhere."
My friend responded with some questions and comments:
"Do you know why you've lost your motivation? Is it just the weather? Is it something else?
Why is it that we can be so motivated, feel like we've REALLY changed, and then it all just STOPS? What does it take to make it a real, lasting change? How can we get back on the wagon faster?
Maybe we should check in with each other on health stuff more often. The biggest thing with weight loss/health is accountability. If you can hide it, it doesn't seem to bad. But we need to help each other with this -- for OUR HEALTH. For our futures. FOR OUR HAPPINESS.
I mean, we check our e-mail at least once a day. We have phones. We should check in. And not accept excuses. And not hide. Sometimes you need someone else to say, 'STOP IT. Get out there and DO SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR LIFE!!!'
I was so inspired by you (and still am). I could tell this summer that something else was clicking. You also were so happy and motivated and you just felt better about everything! I want you to get back to that feeling and to prioritize your health. And I want to do the same thing. I NEED TO. So, let's hold each other accountable. Let's come up with a plan or a system for checking in on each other. Maybe brainstorm some fitness/health goals every week and then check in to make sure we're doing it."
She then sent me her goals for the day, here's my response to her questions:
"Apparently it's supposed to be like 77 today, but it's still only 59 out! So if it's nice when I get home, I might go run...or run/walk. I might go back to Week 5 on my C25K where the first day is 5 min run, 3 min walk repeated 3 times...and the second day is 8 min run, 5 min walk, 8 min run (i think), and then the last day is the 20 min run. We'll see. Or maybe I'll jump back to week 6 which leads up to the 25 min run. I need to decide.
I want to go buy running pants tonight, but since it's going to be warm, I might just go home and run, eat dinner, and enjoy the day. I could go tomorrow since I should take a day off.
I'm eating oatmeal with a fresh apple cooked in it right now (I started eating it at 8:15am and it's 4 minutes to 11 right now.) Haha, I eat my oatmeal so slowly, but it's good to keep me with a constant blood sugar level all morning. Plus I'm sipping on my same coffee from yesterday. It's cold now, so I should heat it up, but it's really sweet. I put too much hazelnut coffee mate in it.
I have rice with seaweed for lunch and/or plain yogurt with maple syrup, walnuts, and a few dark chocolate chips. And carrots. I realized yesterday that I've been eating a lot more fiber, but it's all in the form of whole grains. My stomach was really upset, like I was hungry, but not at the same time. So that's why I made sure to have the apple this morning (and now haha) and brought the carrots to munch on. I'm not motivated to eat carrots very often lately, but it will help me feel better to eat some insoluable fiber with the soluble fiber I've stuffed myself with (oatmeal, brown rice, and barley all in the same day....oi!)
I'm really trying to drink water too (that will help with the fiber situation too). I got off the water track for a little bit. I still drink a ton of it with my meals, except breakfast since I'm normally sipping on coffee. But I was getting around 12 to 14 cups a day when the reccomendation is 8. So good.
I should do some strength training to jump back into the yoovie challenge, but I'm not motivated right now. I'm almost feel like I'm fitness/health depressed...I'm not depressed or sad or low in any other area really. But this I've just fallen off, and I can't seem to lift myself back onto the wagon just yet. I need to build that strength to jump on back up.
I've been trying to think of what made me lose the motivation, and I really just think it was losing the consistancy that I had. When I pulled my adductor (groin), I had to stop running for a few days. I tried again and it was sorta fine, but then Labor Day weekend came and I didn't do anything since we were really busy driving from one place to another. And then it got cold. I tried to run on Labor Day, but I was cold, it was cloudy and ugly out, I hadn't run in about 4 or 5 days or something, and I could only run/walk. It feels like I gave myself some excuse because of all that then... I don't know.
When I first jumped into running, it wasn't because I came to any realization or conclusion that NOW IS THE TIME. It was a just a beautiful day, I wanted to go take a walk after Matt and I got back from the Farmer's Market, and he didn't want to because he was hot. I was slightly upset, so I just decided to strap on my shoes and go. I had been saying for, well, it was over a year at least....maybe even 3 years since the last time I did c25k was before I went to the Academy...anyway, I had been saying for years that I wanted to start it over again. So that day, I just did it. And then kept it up.
There was no "Ah ha!" moment for me. There was no health concern on my mind. There was no challenge in place. I was just a little frustrated and it was enough to get me out the door with or without company.
I went far that day too. I did my w1d1 workout all the way down to Westside Park, one way, which is only a little over a mile from where I get on the path next to the river. From my house it's maybe 1.5 miles or something...? But when I got to the park, I turned around and walked back, including some INSANITY jumps, lunges, etc etc on the way home...just because it felt good to move. I danced, I jumped, I skipped maybe...haha. And I just walked and enjoyed the sunshine. It took me an hour and a half probably...maybe just over an hour. I don't remember. But that was it. I just went out to have fun and to blow off a bit of steam. And then the pattern started.
I think it's become a chore now in some ways. Instead of going out to enjoy time with myself, I get frustrated that I'm tired and have to walk when I was doing so well. I have been reading fitness stuff for the past 3 months all day, everyday at work...so now it almost feels like I'm not living up to something. I don't feel like a failure, but I keep thinking, 'If only I'd stuck with it, my 5k at the end of October would be so much better...more comfortable.' I've gotten to the point where I still want to race, but before my goal was to run the whole thing. Now my goal is to finish in less than 45 minutes (I think...that could change because I have no idea about pacing) running and walking if I need to. I'm still excited to do it. And I know the day of I'll be excited and the adrenaline will up my performance some. I'm excited for the event of it all, but not excited to have to walk in the middle of it because I'm not prepared. And I know to prepare, I have to train...there just seems to be some kind of block. And I know I just need to GO AND DO. I've just been the master of little excuses for the past three weeks."