PASTORJO

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Meh

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What a great word - 'meh.' From my teen and young adult children, I understand it to be indifference, a shrug. Both my eldest son and 16 year old daughter recently bought tee shirts showing a cup that would usually be described as half empty or half full. A cloud above the cup shows it thinking 'meh.'

Maybe 'meh' isn't really accurate for today but I don't want to admit how low I feel.

Today is Sept 20th, the last day of summer, though it hasn't felt like summer for a couple of weeks. Even though the weather is still in the 70's it is dark in the morning and getting darker at night. I haven't seen the sun since Saturday afternoon - that might not seem long in days but as I have SAD, I notice the sunlight missing.

Last night I pulled up my full spectrum light from the basement and am sitting with it on. I also have two lights on in the living room where I work - the church I serve doesn't have office space in the building.

I've noticed reduced energy the past week and a desire to eat carbs (bread) plus sleep. My hibernation mode is calling out - this is the time I really need to be intentional, to practice the good habits I developed over the summer.

Both sons will be back, late tonight, for about 6 weeks, so I want to enjoy their visit. We are going up to MI early October to visit friends and I want to be fully present. I'm still working for a 5K in mid October, though I'm not running as regular as in the summer. When my eldest returns from a long weekend away, he will help me stay on track. :)

I am blessed in so many ways, i do know that and am thankful. But, I can look ahead and see winter come and can't stop it. I've struggled with life altering SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) for 15 years now; I manage it much better than the first two years, when I was unable to work or even get out of bed and shower for about six weeks each winter.

Spiritually, I try to look at this time as my desert time, the time when I struggle with temptation, when I struggle with feeling alone and misunderstood.

The past four winters my husband and I have taken a week vacation in Jan or Feb somewhere sunny and warm - it does help. $ is an issue this year and I haven't brought up yet where or when we might go. I know I need to begin planning soon, to find a good deal and to have something to anticipate.

A friend posted today on fb that she has taken her beloved Bailey to the vet, after efforts to fix a collapsed lung, unable to do more to help other than put her out of pain. I'm reminded of our Hanson, who died in August and I've yet to pick up his ashes from the vet. Another friend's mother died, at 94, and I am reminded of my own mother, who died in Sept 20 years ago at only 69 and my father who died three years ago, at 92.

OK, so I'm not indifferent today, I am low. I am blue - and not the Caribbean blue of my spark page. All I can do is keep on, do what work I can and remember this too will pass.
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  • PASTORJO
    Serena -

    thanks for your comments. A day of sunshine helped yesterday afternoon - though it rained in the am, and cut our running plans. I use my light in the morning, up to 2 hours.

    I agree I am much more self aware, and have learned to not run from my feelings. Guess that does make it easier.
    3242 days ago
  • REVSERENA
    Hi Jo,

    It's ok to grieve a little too.

    My dad was 64 when he died. A friend just went with her father for a biopsy, suspecting the same kind of cancer that took my dad. Her father's mass turned out to be a non-cancerous cyst. I am glad for her, and her father. I would not wish what my father endured on my worst enemy, much less a friend. Still, it makes me blue to contrast their relief with my father's painful and terrible experience of pancreatic cancer.

    Sometimes we just need to wallow in our memories a little.

    The frustrating thing is that the sadiversary of your mother's passing comes at the same time as your SAD starts to kick in each year. Remembering how hard it has been in the past to deal with your seasonal affective disorder does not mean it will be as bad this time. You are older and wiser than you were, even last fall. You have the knowledge of what is happening to you. You have the tools you need to address your situation. You have the hope, that there are things that you can do that will make a difference.

    It is good that you have the full spectrum light and the son to keep you exercising. Try to use the light first thing in the morning so that your day doesn't start with a deficit. Remember the resources that are available to you, mechanical, personal, and spiritual. Be attentive to your self and your footing on the slope of the season. As you walk the path each year you will learn more and more how to navigate it.

    Martin Luther had his meh moments. You are certainly allowed to have yours. Just remember that you don't have to endure them forever, and you don't have to endure them alone.

    Praying for you, friend.

    Serena
    3244 days ago
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