Caution: Rough Road Ahead

Friday, September 16, 2011

Warning: this blog is completely muddled, and pretty much a stream-of-consciousness. I promise they'll be better in the future.

My summer of becoming healthy (obviously) was a failure. It was an awesome summer, don't get me wrong. I didn't become nearly as healthy-making as I'd wanted. My mental health has (though not perfectly) greatly improved, however, and at times I think that is more important than the physical aspects. At the same time, I relapsed on smoking yet again over the summer, and am now 4 weeks smoke-free again. With that came an extra 15 pounds, as of Wednesday. I had seen in myself that I'd gained weight, but I was truly afraid to see how much I'd gained until a couple of days ago. There are a possibility of many things causing the gain, though.

Yes, I stopped tracking. I thought that I was doing okay because my BF and I eat relatively healthily, and we've been lifting weights for a few months now. Turns out, I was totally wrong. I tracked today for the first time since May, and realized that I had stopped paying attention to drinks completely. I drank a cappuccino today, because I barely slept last night and I was super late this morning and exhausted. Tracking it, I saw that it was an extra 400 calories in my breakfast.

Of course, I've known all along that things like convenience store cappuccinos are full of sugar; it just didn't occur to me how much. (It should since those things are delicious and don't taste at all like coffee, but we all like to trick ourselves).

I've decided, though, that I have to do this, once and for all. It hit me like a punch in the face earlier this week, because my BF told me he is afraid I'm diabetic. I've been having wicked mood swings, and my mood is quickly leveled by eating. This scares me, because the one thing I told myself when I started trying to lose weight (4 years ago) was that I'd never get to the point of being diabetic. I'm in a situation now, where my BF and my mom want me to get blood sugar tests, and I'm terrified to see the numbers. I know I have to do it, though. I need to know for certain, especially because if my blood sugar isn't the problem with the mood swings, I really need to find out what is.

So here it goes. I'm going to take the next week (possibly two, if I really need it) to really get back on track with my food. I have a plan that throws into play such necessities as eating breakfast, writing grocery lists, cooking at home, and dealing with eating left-overs. (that was a HUGE problem over the summer) I am also going to start doing cardio regularly. BF and mom think that the weight lifting contributes greatly to my weight gain, but I think it's more to do with the lack of cardio, combined with eating like I was still doing cardio.

It's going to be rough, but I need to do this. I need to fight through the cravings and tears and stress and stop tricking myself into thinking it's okay for me to be this obese. What a dirty word that feels like...but I need to start being honest with myself. I am obese. In fact, according to the BMI, I am morbidly obese. Being fat enough that it can kill you isn't okay for anyone. Someone asked me kind of recently if I thought that I was killing myself slowly because I am too chicken to do it "fast and dirty." I never thought of it that way before, and I almost fear that somewhere inside me, it's the truth. I've been suicidal before, but always had something to keep me from going through with it. At the same time, those are the points where I really self-destruct and go on binges, stop exercising and start smoking all over again.

I can't do this anymore. It's time for some real change. I can't continue this slow suicide. Time to get real, and get healthy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I feel your pain. I'm pre-diabetic at 23. Too much more of my lifestyle and I will be diabetic. The mood swings could definitely be because of the blood sugar peaks and lows. If I skip lunch, which I tend to do if I sleep late, I'm an emotional crabby mess by the time 5pm (time to start dinner) rolls around.
    Weight training I don't believe would be that large of a contributor to weight gain. . Weight training can cause sore muscles to retain muscle as they repair themselves from the workout, but it shouldn't be substantial. You are probably right with the eating being more of an issue.
    I quit smoking when I started dating my fiance over a year ago. I have cravings when I stress out, for nicotine or sugar. One thing that helped with smoking was having an analog. I used a straw cut to size, or rolled up paper. Just to take the drags with no smoke.

    2413 days ago
    You can get back on track, it will just take time like anything else. Please do find out about your blood sugar, that could be a major issue with your health!
    2413 days ago
    You have made a lot of positive changes to your life over the past few months and this is just another one. You have a really good support system with your BF. I know the gene pool is working against you but you can overcome it!
    2413 days ago
    To cure a problem you have to know you have a problem. Go for it. My only suggestion is that you veiw this a changing your lifestyle and not just temporarily altering your life to reach a number on the scale. From experience I know that doesn't work in the long run. Decide that you are now going to be an active person which will take time but in the end you want to be a new person not just a lighter one feeling deprived all the time.
    2413 days ago
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