Lacking Motivation and Other Things......
Thursday, September 15, 2011
It's been a while since I posted. I don't have any excuses other than I've been lazy and feeling bad that I've done (or not done) some things that I shouldn't have.
I have a long family history of depression, stress, and anxiety disorders. I'm going through some personal issues now dealing with my marriage and inner demon issues as well. I am trying to start my own business making and selling handmade cards and gift items. It's slow going and very stressful. I don't feel as though I am doing my best getting it up and running, but being a stay at home mom takes up most of my time and leaves me tired at the end of the day. I am drained by the time dinner is done and the girls are bathed. I don't want to do anything else other than my yoga stretches and get into bed. Oh and that's another thing...I haven't been sleeping well at night at all. Too much on my mind for me to get a deep sleep. It seems as though I am always thinking of something. Something that I didn't do that day or something I need to do the next day. Something I may have eaten that I didn't write down, and the list is endless.
This week I cracked....I had to pick up a prescription at the grocery store and I went right to the bakery department. I bought a slice of cheesecake with cherries on it, cookies, and a donut. I don't know when I thought I was going to eat all of that....but I bought it and it came home with me. I ate one cookie in the car. Then another one when I got home. I thought to myself that I needed to eat it all before my husband got home. He would see what I did. I don't normally hide food from him because I practice everything in moderation on most occasions. But not this day, this day I was stressed, pissed, and just down right feeling sorry for myself. I wanted something to help me feel better. I didn't eat it all before he got home from work, thankfully. I decided that I was going to let myself have those things but I wasn't going to try and gobble them all down at once. I was just going to have a small portion and make sure that I tracked it. I still didn't feel too good about doing it. But I didn't beat myself up over it. I just allowed myself to have that human moment, and that bit of self pitty. I then moved on. I asked my husband to take the rest of the cookies to work with him to share with his coworkers, and I cut the donut in pieces and shared it with my daughters.
I guess I am lacking motivation right now because I feel like I haven't learned anything. The book, the website, the stories, the buddies....I feel like I just stepped back to the beginning. Day one of Sparkpeople. I feel so broken and hurt. I don't want to be too hard on myself because then I may just throw it all out the window. But I have to remember that this is for my life, not just for last week or this week or for today, but for the rest of my life....so there will always be tough times ahead.
I guess I need motivation and support more now than I ever did. I thought I was off and running, and then BAM life hits and it's too much for me to handle and I fall down again. Will I ever be able to not use food as my safely net? I love food, I love to cook food, I love to eat food, I love sweets, I love creating new dishes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE food. How do I turn that into something positive?
If anyone has read this, I need help!!!! I don't know what type of help I need, but I am reaching out knowing that I can't do this alone.