Lacking Motivation and Other Things......

Thursday, September 15, 2011

It's been a while since I posted. I don't have any excuses other than I've been lazy and feeling bad that I've done (or not done) some things that I shouldn't have.

I have a long family history of depression, stress, and anxiety disorders. I'm going through some personal issues now dealing with my marriage and inner demon issues as well. I am trying to start my own business making and selling handmade cards and gift items. It's slow going and very stressful. I don't feel as though I am doing my best getting it up and running, but being a stay at home mom takes up most of my time and leaves me tired at the end of the day. I am drained by the time dinner is done and the girls are bathed. I don't want to do anything else other than my yoga stretches and get into bed. Oh and that's another thing...I haven't been sleeping well at night at all. Too much on my mind for me to get a deep sleep. It seems as though I am always thinking of something. Something that I didn't do that day or something I need to do the next day. Something I may have eaten that I didn't write down, and the list is endless.

This week I cracked....I had to pick up a prescription at the grocery store and I went right to the bakery department. I bought a slice of cheesecake with cherries on it, cookies, and a donut. I don't know when I thought I was going to eat all of that....but I bought it and it came home with me. I ate one cookie in the car. Then another one when I got home. I thought to myself that I needed to eat it all before my husband got home. He would see what I did. I don't normally hide food from him because I practice everything in moderation on most occasions. But not this day, this day I was stressed, pissed, and just down right feeling sorry for myself. I wanted something to help me feel better. I didn't eat it all before he got home from work, thankfully. I decided that I was going to let myself have those things but I wasn't going to try and gobble them all down at once. I was just going to have a small portion and make sure that I tracked it. I still didn't feel too good about doing it. But I didn't beat myself up over it. I just allowed myself to have that human moment, and that bit of self pitty. I then moved on. I asked my husband to take the rest of the cookies to work with him to share with his coworkers, and I cut the donut in pieces and shared it with my daughters.

I guess I am lacking motivation right now because I feel like I haven't learned anything. The book, the website, the stories, the buddies....I feel like I just stepped back to the beginning. Day one of Sparkpeople. I feel so broken and hurt. I don't want to be too hard on myself because then I may just throw it all out the window. But I have to remember that this is for my life, not just for last week or this week or for today, but for the rest of my there will always be tough times ahead.

I guess I need motivation and support more now than I ever did. I thought I was off and running, and then BAM life hits and it's too much for me to handle and I fall down again. Will I ever be able to not use food as my safely net? I love food, I love to cook food, I love to eat food, I love sweets, I love creating new dishes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE food. How do I turn that into something positive?

If anyone has read this, I need help!!!! I don't know what type of help I need, but I am reaching out knowing that I can't do this alone.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Cindy, I truly hope that you are feeling better. I understand how you can feel a bit overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also been dealing with a lot of personal issues and I even almost lost my twin sister to an asthma attack. It has been a rough couple of weeks. It won't always be this way Cindy. You have to believe that your life is changing. Although you bought all of the bad foods home, it is true that you made the right decision in sharing it. There will be good days and there will be bad days on your new journey to health but you have to try and stay positive and know that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes but its how you bounce back from them that count the most. I hope your issues with you husband resolve themselves but if they don't , take care of yourself and your health so that you can be the best mom you can be to your twins. It sounds to me like you are on your way to success even if you don't see it now. God bless you and your family. Keep reaching for your goals. I am here if you need me. emoticon emoticon
    3314 days ago
    There is so much in life that we can focus on. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. I think that's where priorities come in to play. I think sometimes you just have to accept that you can't do or fix it all. You have to pick and choose. I know for myself when I feel overwhelmed and down on myself I stop doing the things that I know work towards making me feel great. It's like just when you need the good habits the most the bad ones reappear. It turns into a vicious cycle that is hard to control. The worse I feel, the poorer my ability to make healthy choices, the more I tend to take out my frustration on those around me and then I feel worse. And so on and on it goes. It sounds like you were able to catch yourself. Yes you bought the food, yes you brought it home, yes you ate some of it. But you stopped and corrected. That's progress in my book! So don't be too hard on yourself. You have alot on your plate to juggle. Keep trying to make the right choices & don't give up! We are all there in the same boat together! emoticon
    3324 days ago
    Thanks, I did think of it turning into fall. But I do take a D supplement everyday. I guess it's not the same as seeing the sun though. We recently had massive amount of rain and record flooding. A lot of devastation around me, and September 11th just past as well. I think there are so many things happening all at once, I just don't know how to handle it all.

    Thanks for reading my blog post. I appreciate the feedback.
    3324 days ago
    sounds like a touch of SAD to me, as the days shorten we all get a bit more lethargic. With your history of depression you are likely to respond to the trigger more than most.
    get out in the daylight as much as possible, it boosts the Vitamin D too and that will give you a bit of bounce.
    best wishes, Sandra
    3324 days ago
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