I can face reality...and walk forward.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Today I decided to own what my binges have done to me over the past few weeks. I have gained 5lb. Just on binges. And on the not exercising that goes with it (and with being a little sick). I have been wallowing in what I saw as failure.
I kept hearing this little voice that said things like, "you aren't worthy to be on the living binge-free team because you're not living binge free." And "you failed, you made it 42 days and then bailed." And one of my favorites, "you suck."
Harsh, yes. But I'm admitting it here for a good reason. I don't suck. I am not a failure. I am a powerful woman who gets a LOT done every single day. I am not perfect, nor do I believe in perfect. I am worthy to be on my favorite team even though I may need them more than they need me. Spark is here for help - for my help and for me to help when I'm in a place to be able to offer it.
So, I've gained 5lb, actually 5.8lb. But it's ok because I can start again. And I'm going to. I've put a mean face on that lady in my head who says snotty things to me, and so now when she says stuff I can thumb my nose at her and tell her she's being ridiculous. She's talking catastrophe when I've only had a minor trip and fall. She's making it out like I'm drowning when I've just lifted my arm for an extra breath while freestylin' it down the swim lane. If she'd been around when I was a baby, I'd never have learned to walk. I'd have given up after my third fall, listening to her that it just couldn't be done.
But today I hung around Sparkpeople, I read motivational stuff people had posted. I read one Sparkler's pic that said, "Fall seven times, get up eight." I got balloons from another Sparkle-rific girl reminding me to see day 1 as a celebration! And I got a shield from another Sparkletastic friend to remind me that I don't have to absorb any barbs that come my way (either from in my own head or from the outside world).
I can do this! I may not do it in one lap, or in one hike, or in one long streak, but I can do it. And I have to remember to laugh at the splats, laugh at the falls from down low and up high, roll with it, and come up ready to start again. Some days I'll need a hand up from a friend, and other days I can get up on my own power. But get up I will!