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I can face reality...and walk forward.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Today I decided to own what my binges have done to me over the past few weeks. I have gained 5lb. Just on binges. And on the not exercising that goes with it (and with being a little sick). I have been wallowing in what I saw as failure.

I kept hearing this little voice that said things like, "you aren't worthy to be on the living binge-free team because you're not living binge free." And "you failed, you made it 42 days and then bailed." And one of my favorites, "you suck."

Harsh, yes. But I'm admitting it here for a good reason. I don't suck. I am not a failure. I am a powerful woman who gets a LOT done every single day. I am not perfect, nor do I believe in perfect. I am worthy to be on my favorite team even though I may need them more than they need me. Spark is here for help - for my help and for me to help when I'm in a place to be able to offer it.

So, I've gained 5lb, actually 5.8lb. But it's ok because I can start again. And I'm going to. I've put a mean face on that lady in my head who says snotty things to me, and so now when she says stuff I can thumb my nose at her and tell her she's being ridiculous. She's talking catastrophe when I've only had a minor trip and fall. She's making it out like I'm drowning when I've just lifted my arm for an extra breath while freestylin' it down the swim lane. If she'd been around when I was a baby, I'd never have learned to walk. I'd have given up after my third fall, listening to her that it just couldn't be done.

But today I hung around Sparkpeople, I read motivational stuff people had posted. I read one Sparkler's pic that said, "Fall seven times, get up eight." I got balloons from another Sparkle-rific girl reminding me to see day 1 as a celebration! And I got a shield from another Sparkletastic friend to remind me that I don't have to absorb any barbs that come my way (either from in my own head or from the outside world).

I can do this! I may not do it in one lap, or in one hike, or in one long streak, but I can do it. And I have to remember to laugh at the splats, laugh at the falls from down low and up high, roll with it, and come up ready to start again. Some days I'll need a hand up from a friend, and other days I can get up on my own power. But get up I will!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh wow, how familiar is this?!? Great blog and great attitude!
    3573 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8667808
    Yup, it's a perfect part of the process and it's temporary.
    Good for you for the nose snubbing! Keep it up!
    3573 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2219650
    Indeed - you most certainly Do NOT Suck ! Slap that rude voice in your head if ever she dares to say anything so detrimental to you ever again. Spend just 1 or 2 minutes each day finding something positive to say about yourself and just 1 thing that you are grateful for. It's a really great exercise (for your brain - just like we exercise our bodies) that will yield results - just try it - you'll see.

    Here - I'll start ... you're a supportive and encouraging Spark friend ... you're grateful for Spark and the support you find here.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3573 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10364891
    Hi! Its okay to fall and then get up again - happens to all of us. There must have been real reasons for you to binge. I think its better to be kind to yourself and figure out those reasons and see if you can do something about them instead of worrying about the binges. Can you do it differently next time? I think its an incremental process..for me, if I feel like binging, I've started to substitute and have hot chocolate instead of chocolate, a baked potato instead of chips so the calorie damage isn't as much and hopefully soon I can graduate to not reaching for food but working out or coming onto spark people instead. You can do this! emoticon
    3573 days ago
    It's ok to fall off the wagon sometimes as long as you get back on eventually. You're doing great.
    3573 days ago
    My Dear Friend,

    You do not suck, you are so worthy of being on our team, you are a beautiful, wonderful, loving, kind, honest, brave and awesome woman! No body can take that away from you, not even the little crazy lady in your head. I know I have one of those but I tell you keeping her in check is one hell of a hard time. I swear i take her out to the wood shed more now then she can take me out there. You too can put her out in that woodshed when she pop her ugly nose out at you. I maybe doing okay but i have struggled somedays it is really hard to get through a day binge free but i just keep telling myself this. I am a beautiful, wonderful, loving, kind, funny, honest, brave and awesome woman just like you and yes we have a disorder and as my therapis says as you do long periods of times and the binging gets less and less, the key is never to give up on yourself, to say okay i binge DAY 1 and move on do not let missy come out and beat you. You just celebrate your starting over!!! Why celebrate because you are not giving up!!! I am proud of you taht you are at DAY1 and i'm sure that my day will come. I am still riding the wave i'm sure i will wipe out but the key will be to get back up and have my friends and family rally behind me to get me back up and going.

    You are a great person worthy of it all!! emoticon
    3573 days ago
    Good job on choosing to thumb your nose at her since I would have given her another finger other than my thumb..... : )

    YOU don't suck, this sucks. This daily battle with our own mind is exhausting and challenging and tests us everyday. Nevermind throwing in family life with its own challenges- HELLOOOO!!!! It's HARD, and yes, it does suck. But not you darlin'. You are brave enough to share and express your true feelings. That's hard too! But you are so gifted in this area. I adore your blogs. No fluff involved, just your honesty.

    You WILL lose this 5.8 lbs, plus more. Just watch, we'll get ya there soon.

    3573 days ago
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