Uncontrollable Life = Food
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Sad to say, but this past week my title has been my truth. Two weeks ago...I was struggling. I had went to the doctors (OBGYN) had to re-hash through my previous medical history and disclose personal information about my childhood, and at the time I didn't think it was such a big deal...after so much couch time and admitting those darks places in my childhood exist I didn't think it would come back with a vengeance...but I am starting to realize that maybe I am not as okay with things as I originally thought.
The talking didn't help as I have been thinking about it and I am struggling to get a grip on the here and now more and more often, but I had also been put on low dosage birth control to regulate my period. I think back to how a lot of my PCOS symptoms may not have gotten so out of hand if I had made the choices I am making now when I was in my teens. It is what it is though and there is no changing the choices I made.
Back to the struggling...which was two weeks. I found myself struggling with food more and more often, but I was for the most part coming out on top, then I sprained my ankle Monday night while walking...dammit pot hole in the road...and it was kind of the last straw for last week.
I ate horribly...fast food sometimes twice a day. I didn't wanna hop on my crutches around my kitchen or have to listen to my mom or sister over trying to get them to make something healthy, plus I was over it...over fighting wanting the food, over watching what I ate...just one thing too many and I was done.
Today, I am okay...not where I wanna be mentally, but I am gonna get there again. I think what got me there was when I had a screaming match with my mom because of eating...she'll let me go so far, but at the same time she makes comments (not always in a tone I like) and though they are of the you shouldn't eat that much, no you can't have the rest of my food cause you just ate yours variety. I still freakout on her...there was cussing involved...which for those of you who don't know me on a day to day basis is normal for me even in a conversation with my mother on the other end. She cusses at me more than I cuss at her...we have a weird dynamics all together...that is totally another blog topic though.
So after having a arguing match with her...I was pissed off...I wanted to do what I want and who was she to tell me that I was gonna end up putting on all the weight I had lost again...I knew that I was going to get back at it...just not yesterday. I know I sound like a 5 year old, but the logic was sound last night in my fast food high. Not so much today.
So this is me saying in a long drawn out and detailed way that for the past two weeks I have been struggling and that I realize the whys and reasoning behind it. My life isn't going to magically change and no one is gonna rescue me, but myself. I guess I better get moving again. I am just glad that it was two weeks and not two years...cause yeah...it could have been a whole lot worse.
Have a blessed weekend!