Uncontrollable Life = Food

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Sad to say, but this past week my title has been my truth. Two weeks ago...I was struggling. I had went to the doctors (OBGYN) had to re-hash through my previous medical history and disclose personal information about my childhood, and at the time I didn't think it was such a big deal...after so much couch time and admitting those darks places in my childhood exist I didn't think it would come back with a vengeance...but I am starting to realize that maybe I am not as okay with things as I originally thought.

The talking didn't help as I have been thinking about it and I am struggling to get a grip on the here and now more and more often, but I had also been put on low dosage birth control to regulate my period. I think back to how a lot of my PCOS symptoms may not have gotten so out of hand if I had made the choices I am making now when I was in my teens. It is what it is though and there is no changing the choices I made.

Back to the struggling...which was two weeks. I found myself struggling with food more and more often, but I was for the most part coming out on top, then I sprained my ankle Monday night while walking...dammit pot hole in the road...and it was kind of the last straw for last week.

I ate horribly...fast food sometimes twice a day. I didn't wanna hop on my crutches around my kitchen or have to listen to my mom or sister over trying to get them to make something healthy, plus I was over it...over fighting wanting the food, over watching what I ate...just one thing too many and I was done.

Today, I am okay...not where I wanna be mentally, but I am gonna get there again. I think what got me there was when I had a screaming match with my mom because of eating...she'll let me go so far, but at the same time she makes comments (not always in a tone I like) and though they are of the you shouldn't eat that much, no you can't have the rest of my food cause you just ate yours variety. I still freakout on her...there was cussing involved...which for those of you who don't know me on a day to day basis is normal for me even in a conversation with my mother on the other end. She cusses at me more than I cuss at her...we have a weird dynamics all together...that is totally another blog topic though.

So after having a arguing match with her...I was pissed off...I wanted to do what I want and who was she to tell me that I was gonna end up putting on all the weight I had lost again...I knew that I was going to get back at it...just not yesterday. I know I sound like a 5 year old, but the logic was sound last night in my fast food high. Not so much today.

So this is me saying in a long drawn out and detailed way that for the past two weeks I have been struggling and that I realize the whys and reasoning behind it. My life isn't going to magically change and no one is gonna rescue me, but myself. I guess I better get moving again. I am just glad that it was two weeks and not two years...cause yeah...it could have been a whole lot worse.

Have a blessed weekend!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So many things I want to say to this... where to start.

    First, I know what it is like to have strained dynamics between mother-daughter relationships. My mom and I don't always get along, and I sort of begrudge her for a lot of emotional stress in my childhood (but am trying to let go of that).

    OMG don't listen to her! You will NOT gain all the weight back, and you will bounce back (faster this time), and keep bouncing back because you are making a resilient, healthy lifestyle change -- it just takes time and practice. Don't let her get you down.. it is very difficult, but we must try not to let them hurt us.

    Second... well, it SUCKS that you hurt your ankle :( I'm so sorry

    Third, I think the talking may have gotten to you because of issues that you have not fully dealt with, maybe. I know that in my therapy sessions, I opened a lot of wounds from my childhood, and it was very painful to ruminate over these negative feelings. However, after a while I began feeling like maybe the therapy was helping to close them--it just hurt for a while like an ointment or peroxide would on an open wound -- but it keeps that wound from festering, subconsciously, any longer.

    Overall, I love your attitude, and I really hope you get to a place you want to be mentally, and soon.

    If you ever need to vent, please do. We are here to help.
    2740 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/18/2011 2:52:33 PM
    I was going through the same thing for the past month, so I know how you feel. I have finally gathered myself again and I'm doing ok now, just back to taking baby steps one at a time. Losing weight is difficult and for some of us it's almost like fighting a battle every day of our lives, which is exhausting, sometimes we just need a break from it all. By acknowledging it, you're taking the first step. As long as we pick ourselves up before it gets too out of hand, we'll be fine!

    I also understand the frustration with family input. In my case, it's my husband who makes comments like "No, we aren't going to ______. You don't need to eat that." Nothing infuriates me more. On top of taking a jab at my weight, I feel like he's also trying to control me and that is a huge no-no. That might make him seem like a horrible person, but he really only says it out of love. He will see me working so hard at this day after day and then I say I want to get a cheeseburger and fries; it's a natural reaction when you see a loved one self-destructing, he (and family members in general) just need to learn how to rephrase it so it's constructive and not condescending. It doesn't help to make us feel worse than we already do. Chances are, if we're sabotaging ourselves it's because we feel bad about something already! Ugh, life.

    Anyhoo, I hope things start looking up for you again, try to take it one healthy decision at a time and you'll be back on track before you know it. (And I hope your ankle gets better, ouch!)
    2747 days ago
    We ALL make choices we which we hadn't , and sometimes we make a whole bunch of little ones all in a row... I think if they're "good" things we call those streaks in SP land. So, you had a bit of a bad streak. (and you're right, it was just 2 weeks. It was a bit in the grand scheme) It is so awesome that you are able to be clear about what you think triggered you. Identifying the "problem" is always the first step so we can make different choices!
    Remember that here in SP-land you have lots of support and LOTS of people who have felt similar to the way you do right now. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Really gentle. Hard as it may be to find the time and space, be sure to let yourself feel... because the eating is maybe to cover up the feelings? Just a thought. Tomorrow is another day!
    emoticon emoticon

    2748 days ago
    Sometimes we need to release that tension to put things into perspective. And you're right - it was 2 weeks - not 2 months/years/decades!

    A friend once told me that he didn't have any regrets. Not because he felt he had done everything right, but rather that he felt that if he had regrets, it meant that he hadn't learned something from the life experience. Every thing in our past forms who we are today. Its the lessons we learn and apply that will shape who we are tomorrow. You've learned from your past and you're making changes.

    2748 days ago
    Okay amisdst all of the emotional turmoil you were able to identify a reson or reasons behind your mindless eating. Could you have done that before trying to change your life? No, I don't think so. We are all here because we could not or chose not to identify with the reasons why we ate. You have come so far and you will continue to travel this journey with success, as long as you get out of the funk and move forward.

    Good for you for knowing when to start taking care of you!!!

    2748 days ago
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