Hi! For any of you that have been following my blogs,
I have a hard time sharing my feelings, even with people to whom I feel very close. I just like to keep them all inside. After much deliberation, I think it has very much to do with when I was 11 and told my mom that I was depressed. I had called 1-800-Charter (anyone remember those commercials?) and told them, but they said, because of my age, I needed to tell an adult. My mom, in full compassionate motherly mode-insert sarcastic tone here-said, "What do you have to be depressed about?!" That was pretty much when I decided that I couldn't expect people to listen to me about my sad feelings. I mean, if my own mother, the one person who is supposed to comfort you and love you NO MATTER WHAT, didn't even think that my feelings were valid, who would?
I spent most of my first through fifth grade years being treated as some sort of weirdo who should be feared, at my school. I went to a Catholic school that was very small, with a maximum of 40 students in my grade at any given time. Any time I did anything strange, out-of-the-ordinary, or that made others uncomfortable, I earned a special program. This involved these steps: 1) a talk with the teacher 2) a longer talk with the principal 3) notes to my parents and then a talk with them 4) at least three sessions with the school counselor. Super! You know what I learned from this? The more I shared my actual feelings about things, the more attention like this I got. It made it increasingly difficult to share anything with any one that I thought would tell on me. Take a wild guess and tell me what happened? I spent 15 years of my life depressed, feeling isolated from people and burying myself in good books. I had enough when, finally, and used a certain chemical endorsed by one Timothy Leary to be used, in the proper setting, as a way to confront one's mental and emotional problems from an outside prospective and work them through step by step until you had a solution. Please, this is NOT the point of my blog...I just want to say that I decided that I had already been through the most painful things I could have in my life, so I certainly could handle anything else that happened! I know everyone has their sorrows and that's not what I'm discussing herein. Hold on, the thought train derailed...okay, got it!
This week, I haven't done any of my scheduled workouts at all! I have been feeling sad about how my relationship has failed and my bf is moving out...He keeps wanting to talk about it just when I start to feel okay again. He even asked me what is wrong with me? Why am I the way that I am? Wow! What kind of question is that?! I just want to love myself the way I am and, IF I am going to have a relationship, I want that person to accept me and love me the way that I am! I am very queer (not in the new definition, the old one) and I know that. I don't expect people to accept it, but if you say that you love me, then you had better! I've been struggling with this emotionally, and am sorry to say that it has effected me in every aspect, including my determination to be healthy! I've been exploring books to help me be happy with myself. The Fat!So? book I mentioned in my earlier blogs had been a tremendous comfort. However, the meaning of my title is that I have these things eating at me added to small, physical issues this week that have me stopped cold. I have been eating well, still, so that is good. I know these aren't great reasons, but they are what they are. First, I had very nasty blisters that popped during my second training walk for my virtual 5K. They hurt so bad that I had to dig into my reward jar to be able to get Band-Aid Advanced Healing Blister bandages and moleskin to ensure no repeat. However, I still need new socks and better fitting shoes, with no income at all to obtain them.
Then, I received a special, feminine gift that left me hurting yesterday. I'm so glad it the pain only lasts one day, but I also had other, job searching activities interfering with things and now it's Saturday. I've been trying to work for my parents, who are also my landlords and that's sucked up my time for Friday and most of Saturday is looking to be theirs, as well. I will get my walk in though, dang it! I am taking my two steps forward from my one step back. That's how it's going to be! I love you, Kat, but you have got to get it together
I had a slip up and fizzled out for this week, but today is the first day of getting back to good. It will be much better once the ex moves out, but for now, I'll be doing what I can to distract from that malarchy, no matter what it takes! Thanks for your support everyone!