Cheese puffs & that whatchamacallit
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Stuffed with cheese puffs and a whatchamacallit, my heart is heavy and my spirits dampened.
I’m tired…..tired of trying so hard all the time; only to stare defeat in the eyes. That feeling is spread evenly and thick over all avenues in my life right now.
I know that cloud of disappointment in myself, generates from me…..I swear I do; but I need some relief before I can get back up on that horse and ride bareback in the surf once more. Not quitting just need to find my smile and spark again.
I am not giving up on my goals; I still visualize them daily. I am working on getting my confidence back; I AM A QUITTER and it is a hard fact to face. I talk a good game and get a burst of “I CAN DO THIS” (in any life situation) but that flame quickly dwindles into unfinished projects and excuses! I RECOGNIZE IT (have for a long time now) but have not figured out what the key to me changing it is; in spite of trying!
The fog my head and heart is in, is compounded other issues and stresses……..preaching to the choir I know. lol!
I even let myself feel like I wasn’t being included in my weightloss challenge group (not on this site). Stupid but true! I felt like I was putting forth some great effort & info into the challenge and trying to engage with everyone, but few people were responding to me (goes back to, tired of trying). Not saying it’s true, it’s just how I felt. I need to focus on finding inspiration and drive within myself, not in other people. LOVE MY KK GIRLS, but now I have to figure out how to love me…….
Feeling like this lead me to the biggest looser website today (first time ever!!) and I filled out an application!! Really I wanted to ask them if they ever though of having a "Petite's" season!!
I’m not as heavy as the usual contestants but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle everyday with my weight. Being 5 feet tall makes it pretty damn rough; let me tell you! I feel like I hold my weight well until I see myself in a window reflection or a photo. All I see is an umpaluma with dark hair and blue eyes.
I don’t necessarily “want to be on the show” (my husband put the kibosh on it as soon as I brought it up) but I do want the guidance, self-realization, camaraderie, training, and ass kicking that comes along with it!!
I have tried so hard for so long with so many different diets, workouts and pills that somewhere along the way I lost the "want". I can feel the funk rolling in and I don't know how to stop it. Does that even make any since?
IDK maybe I need antidepressants or something; I do know that I have a feeling of emptiness inside of me (good lord I'm crying!! wow...didn’t expect that!) now, TODAY that I didn’t feel last week. The feeling that I am a quitter has always been there (I start with a bang & quickly loose momentum in all aspects of life), but this black ball of nothing in my chest (apparently it has now moved into my throat too!) hasn’t. It’s a new feeling……..AND I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL!!!
I just feel like I can’t do it on my own! I fantasize about winning the lottery and going off to some fat farm type of spa (I was reading about a Zumba, Yoga one! OMG I WISH!) For a few months and coming back looking like a pin-up model! DON’T JUDGE ME! LOL!
So that’s it……this is me, right now; in a nutshell that is slightly cracked and in need of repair……..