Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I'm not going to load up on too many goal for Sept b/c I had a weird August. But I think August was mainly an eat-for-tainment month at the end. So, when I have family in town, how do I not eat-for-tainment? At night when alone, I'd feel all excited that I was alone and start to eat. When we were all out for dinner, I did something I rarely do, I'd eat an appetizer, entree, and dessert. I NEVER do that when alone. So why do it just because someone different is sitting across from me at the table? Social eating (hearken back to the term social drinking from the 60s-80s). I've heard of social smokers, too.
Back to the eating: at home, I'd drink wine with her, even though I didn't have to. I'd eat sweet treats because it feels like being a good hostess. She WANTS the treats, and makes comments like, "oh, you probably won't eat any of this with me." It feels like peer pressure. Like I'm trying to prove something by doing this WITH her instead of abstaining. I could set a good example and refuse, but she won't see it as a good example, she will see it as deprivation. The thing is, these are NOT things I'd have ever treated myself to alone. I wouldn't buy treacle tarts, mince pies, and coffee cakes. Not because I'm depriving myself, but because if I were treating myself to a food, those just wouldn't be my first choices.
But I ate them. And kept eating them. I can't blame someone else, she didn't make me eat them. Pressure isn't something that someone can put on me if I don't let them. But why did I let her? And outdated social more that I needed to be a good hostess and indulge with my guest? But she's family, not a royal visitor. I could have done it differently.
And at the outset, I intended to. I had plans to share with her minimally. I'd have a bite of this or a half ounce of that. So what happened? Stress. Stress made me fall back on an old way of performing. I let myself get too stressed. I didn't exercise enough at a focused rate for a consolidated period of time. Yes, I still boxed Mondays and Fridays, and I got plenty of movement in with all the activities we did. But I didn't take time to meditate, or blast music into my ears while exercising. I didn't do that enough days to keep my focus. I got all ratcheted up day by day until I leaped off the top into a gigantic pile of Mexican food.
It was SO delicious. And I keep thinking about it. And that's how I am now drawing the conclusion that it's nothing but eat-for-tainment. I ate that food to entertain myself, my guest, and well, myself. I saw it as a pleasure during a time when I was feeling more strain than pleasure. The fact that I keep thinking about the yummy food (not exactly a craving, more like missing a lover who is away on business), is what tells me that it was never about hunger. It was simple entertainment--a dalliance.
What will I do differently in October when I visit my own family back East, and then down to visit her and other in-law family? I plan to exercise every single day. I plan to get at least 1/2 hour ALONE every single day that isn't hugging a bag of junk food. I plan to keep positive.
Oh yeah, all of the family we'll be visiting tends toward the negative. It's not their fault, they just never had a reason to change. But I can. I can come to Spark for positive vibes. I can read something positive. I can just have it in the front of my mind that I need to be POSITIVE and just let all the negative stuff flow by.
If I were standing in a stream of drek, I wouldn't stoop down to pick up blobs of ick as it flowed by! So why do I pick up on the negativity that flows around me? No reason to in the future. I will endeavor to let it flow past, like the drek it is. I will try to not pay any attention to the bobbing little globs of nastiness, and just focus on the sunshine over my head, or the dry part of my body that isn't wading in filth.
Negativity is filth, let's not get our hands icky today!
And only EatForTainment once in a (planned) blue moon, and not simply to drown the ick.