Im on vacation- and re-setting my goals!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Ok... here is what I know- I have been trying to go after what I want for as long as I remember- I spent my allowance as a child on a VHS workout tape, Tami Lee Web/Buns of steel. I have been on weight watchers several times, like probably 5- and the last time was June/July of last year up until June of this year. I have tried several different workout plans, read several weight loss books, and tried several different workouts, reward systems, I have had 2 different personal trainers, tried about 5 different gyms.... so whats the deal? Its not like I don't want it. Im obsessed with finding what it is that will work. I have so much knowledge about it, that scientifically, I know what I need to do-
So... I have been doing some real searching--- deep deep bones I have dug up lately- stirred up old feelings, and although it seems like its getting worse, its probably has to before it gets better-
I am kind of mad at myself for being so down pretty much this whole month. But I know that I am always right where I am supposed to be.... and I got into a few huge fights with my mom in the last few days... and I think from them I learned something.
My mom is a wonderful mom, but very protective and controlling. I think I figured it out that if something is not her idea- she doesn't approve of it or want anything to do with it..She wants to be in her comfort zone. The thing is... I am an adult, and I shouldn't need her approval for the things I do. But, my whole life- anytime I started something- I don't think I finished anything without her. Like- even baking cookies- She would take over because I was too slow, or making a mess, or she wanted her kitchen back--- I wanted to be in band in school... Nope- horses was my hobby- that she chose for me- and she made me pick between my horse and band. I picked the horse. If I try to lose weight- I don't feel support from her. She would like to lose some weight, and when I was on weight watchers, she would scoff at me when I was calculating my points or sitting at her dinner table with my ww books in my hand. Just last Thursday I told a group of people that I had a few days off of work and I was sooooo looking forward to it because I needed some down time... she gave me the scrunched up face look and asked me what I needed a break for... and why was I so stressed. Also... my friend asked me if I was going to the horse show this weekend and I said I was going to try it.... my mom was like "you are?" I was like- yeah... she was very discouraging and telling me my horse isn't ready because he just got over a lameness and there was no way that I would have him ready--- It goes on much deeper-- from there- like- it got really ugly-- Things are patched up pretty good now but I realized that if its not mom's idea- she doesn't approve of it. I have also realized that I am very sucessful when I have her support. Its like I feel like I can do anything that she tells me I can do.
So- why can't I tell myself to do what I know I need to do?
Why do I feel like I need to be told specifically what to do?
I think this is why I have been looking to Lauren so much for direction. I know what I need to do... its just like I need someone else to tell me to do it.
Whats that all about?
I went and did some reading on spark tonight- and my mind is in a much better place now... I need to tell myself its ok to take orders from myself- and finish something that I set out to do.
Am I making any sense? Can anyone relate to my mom and the situation with my need to have her approval for the things that I set out to do?