CDGOLDILOCKS

SparkPoints
 

Is this rock bottom?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Today is one of those days. I don't know why, but I feel the negative energy stirring inside me, eating away at my motivation and my spirit like poison. I know why it is happening. I am unhappy and loathing myself right now.

I track every bite of food, then I half @$$ workouts by walking and doing low intensity stuff. Yeah, I burn calories, but apparently it isn't enough to make the body want to release fat....

I then work out more, then I don't track. I weigh myself, then I hate myself. I honestly have to ask myself WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN???

I cycle the same 5 pounds up and down for YEARS. My youngest child is almost 8. It is time to regroup and reach the goals that I am MORE than capable of attaining.

I plan out my meals, then I have "just a bite" of a brownie. I eat "just a bite" of the meal I am cooking for my family. I think to myself "it's ok to not track today since I burned 650 calories at the gym today".

I say to myself that it isn't fair that I have to do everything. Why do I have to work, come home, work out, go to the gym? Why can't someone do some of this work for me?

I see the success of others. I truly am happy for them. BUT.
The "yeah buts" begin.

For almost every success story I see, I create a "yeah but" in my mind.

"Yeah but she doesn't have any kids, so it is easy for her to lose weight since she has all this free time."

"Yeah, but he is well off enough to afford a trainer and nice fitness gear."

"Yeah, but she doesn't have to work and she has all this time to work out, prep food, do whatever she wants."

"Yeah, but"...............I could really do this all day.

The truth is that the "yeah buts" keep me from facing some honest truths here:

1. As a human being, my body can lose weight just as the success story people have.

2. While I may not have all the resources someone else has, I CAN lose weight with the resources I have.

3. Life is NOT fair. I can still lose weight.

4. I really am the only one standing in my way.

I can change. I CAN. I searched for some motivation, some courage to put on my page to keep me going. I need something visual to help remind me of why I am here and what I want.



















I am NOT afraid of working hard. As a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, nurse, human I am all ABOUT working hard. I can do the work it requires to make my goals a reality.

This struggle I have in my soul is about deserving MORE than I am giving myself. I can teach myself how to eat right and exercise. I am all OVER that. How do I teach myself that I DESERVE to reach my goals? When I take a bite of something THAT I DON'T EVEN REALLY WANT, I later wonder what it is within myself that feels that need to sabotage.

My weight loss journey is the only thing I have ever done in my life that is ONLY for me. At this point in my life, I am the only one hurt by my lack of progress. I am not so overweight that it really gets in the way of anything. I think THIS is why I set my self up to fail.

I don't know why I hate myself deep down inside. I didn't think I hated myself but I must, because I would NEVER treat another soul as badly as I am treating myself. It needs to stop. It stops with ONE SIMPLE RULE: I will NOT take ONE EXTRA BITE OF FOOD that is not on my plan. I don't want it, I certainly don't need it, and it is poison to my goals.

I am not a bad person, and I am going to stop treating myself as though I deserve to be treated as such.

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DDOORN
    Wow! What a busy SPARKER you've been!

    Sorry I haven't been around lately...traveling, visiting with family, etc.

    Your metaphor of the "hurt locker" has REALLY resonated with me and I think it explains a lot of what holds ME back and I suspect there is a strong connection between YOUR hurt locker and self-sabotage.

    I know I need to do a lot better to feel my hurt and other emotions AS THEY ARE HAPPENING and not STUFF them away so they can come back and BITE ME!

    Great to see your successes MOUNTING!

    Don

    ps...yo
    ur son is a pretty cool tasty-tester! :-)
    2605 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    Oh, Crystal, it saddens me to see you use the word "hate" towards yourself. I wish there were something I could say to make that feeling go away. It seems that you already know that you are not afraid of hard work, now you just need to steer some of that hard work towards yourself. I know how focused and dedicated you are to your family--not only do you deserve to be taken care of, but they will be better off from you taking care of yourself, too.

    emoticon
    2612 days ago
  • JANLYNN32
    You can do this and even though the weight lose is for you, your family will benefit greatly. You can do this and yes it is very hard. I also know how easy it is to beat yourself up. I am tired of fighting with the scale myself, I have lost inches but no pounds. So today my husband is hiding the scale from me so that I can concentrate on eating healthy and excersing and not worry about what the stupid scale says. Sorry the scale and I are not friends right now. Maybe in the future but not now. Everyday is a new day it is not about what you ate yesterday you can't change it but you can eat better today and go from there. I beleive in you and know you deserve to be a healthy happy person. emoticon
    2613 days ago
  • ESILBO
    OH, SWEETIE, I WISH I HAD A MAGIC WAND TO CHANGE YOU INTO THIS LITTLE BODY THAT WE WANT...BUT I DON T AND NO WORDS I CAN SAY COULD CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL...
    WE ARE MASTER IN DESTROYING OURSELVES, WE DID THAT FOR A GREAT PART OF OUR LIVES...

    BUT IF YOU COULD JUST FIND ONE LITTLE THING, TO CHANGE, ONE B BY ONE AND BEGIN TO LOVE YOURSELF...

    ITS NOT THE STOPPING OF EATING THAT HELPED ME BUT THE EXERCISES, TRACKING AN SUPPORT OF FRIENDS...BY A MIRACULOUS (AND I DON T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES) WAY , I DID NOT CRAVE THE FOOD I USED TO LOVE SO MUCH...AND THE PORTION DIMINISHED ALL BY THEMSELVES...

    MY HEART GOES FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE IN PAIN...IF YOU HAVE TIME, CHECK MY BLOG OF 4 MTHS AFTER...IT MIGHT HELP

    emoticon emoticon
    emoticon
    LISE
    2613 days ago
  • BRATS4
    you can do it.
    2613 days ago
  • HOWLERMOM
    You can do it - life sometimes gets in the way but there is always tomorrow to reset, restart. Love your inspirational pix - hope they work for you!
    2613 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment


    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.