Today is one of those days. I don't know why, but I feel the negative energy stirring inside me, eating away at my motivation and my spirit like poison. I know why it is happening. I am unhappy and loathing myself right now.
I track every bite of food, then I half @$$ workouts by walking and doing low intensity stuff. Yeah, I burn calories, but apparently it isn't enough to make the body want to release fat....
I then work out more, then I don't track. I weigh myself, then I hate myself. I honestly have to ask myself WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN???
I cycle the same 5 pounds up and down for YEARS. My youngest child is almost 8. It is time to regroup and reach the goals that I am MORE than capable of attaining.
I plan out my meals, then I have "just a bite" of a brownie. I eat "just a bite" of the meal I am cooking for my family. I think to myself "it's ok to not track today since I burned 650 calories at the gym today".
I say to myself that it isn't fair that I have to do everything. Why do I have to work, come home, work out, go to the gym? Why can't someone do some of this work for me?
I see the success of others. I truly am happy for them. BUT.
The "yeah buts" begin.
For almost every success story I see, I create a "yeah but" in my mind.
"Yeah but she doesn't have any kids, so it is easy for her to lose weight since she has all this free time."
"Yeah, but he is well off enough to afford a trainer and nice fitness gear."
"Yeah, but she doesn't have to work and she has all this time to work out, prep food, do whatever she wants."
"Yeah, but"...............I could really do this all day.
The truth is that the "yeah buts" keep me from facing some honest truths here:
1. As a human being, my body can lose weight just as the success story people have.
2. While I may not have all the resources someone else has, I CAN lose weight with the resources I have.
3. Life is NOT fair. I can still lose weight.
4. I really am the only one standing in my way.
I can change. I CAN. I searched for some motivation, some courage to put on my page to keep me going. I need something visual to help remind me of why I am here and what I want.
I am NOT afraid of working hard. As a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, nurse, human I am all ABOUT working hard. I can do the work it requires to make my goals a reality.
This struggle I have in my soul is about deserving MORE than I am giving myself. I can teach myself how to eat right and exercise. I am all OVER that. How do I teach myself that I DESERVE to reach my goals? When I take a bite of something THAT I DON'T EVEN REALLY WANT, I later wonder what it is within myself that feels that need to sabotage.
My weight loss journey is the only thing I have ever done in my life that is ONLY for me. At this point in my life, I am the only one hurt by my lack of progress. I am not so overweight that it really gets in the way of anything. I think THIS is why I set my self up to fail.
I don't know why I hate myself deep down inside. I didn't think I hated myself but I must, because I would NEVER treat another soul as badly as I am treating myself. It needs to stop. It stops with ONE SIMPLE RULE: I will NOT take ONE EXTRA BITE OF FOOD that is not on my plan. I don't want it, I certainly don't need it, and it is poison to my goals.
I am not a bad person, and I am going to stop treating myself as though I deserve to be treated as such.