Please help me
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I swear, I'm my own worst enemy. I daydream about being a sparkmotivator and how my accomplishments will inspire someone, but I don't accomplish crap. I couldn't even stick to my goals for 2 days, nevermind any longer than that. I don't want to look like this. I hate how I feel. Is there a blog trophy for most depressing?
I think my husbands depression is bringing me down. He refuses to go get help. He blames me for attacking him when I just want him to get help. He has an answer for everything when I try to tell him that he has symptoms of severe depression. I tried to tell him I would leave if he didn't go... well, its been nearly a month and he hasn't gone. Now what? I can't deal.
All I want to do is eat. I know if I had a big bag of candy right now I'd feel fine. But since I don't, I'm just sitting here crying. I made terrible decisions today and I can't help but beat myself up. I guess one day's worth of pride was enough for my brain to say, good enough, let's go back. I suck at this. I suck.
You know, I'm just tired of it. I KNOW how to lose weight. I have done it before. But I get so damn lazy. I'm just flat out lazy. It makes me want to scream and I have nothing to scream about. Just 5 more pounds. I'm the first person I know who gained weight on a diet. I say I want an accountability buddy and my husband tries to help me over the phone, but what do I do? I LIE. I lied about what I got from Sonic. And I lied a lot. I didn't just get a plain hotdog. I got a footlong coney with chili and cheese, and mozzarella sticks, and cheddar peppers. WTF is wrong with me?
Please help me. Just say anything. Anything has to be better than this.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
This is sooooo why I rejoined Sparkpeople.THANK YOU all for your positive words, encouragement, and tough love. It is so deeply appreciated. And every bit of it taken to heart (and mind, and body).
Today IS going to be a better day! New blog to follow.
2495 days ago
There is nothing about this that is easy. I would love to tell you that the heavens will open and magic will happen and it will be a smooth ride. I have taken this journey for most of my life. There have been periods when I was on point.......food, exercise, committment. Other times, I was not even close. I hope that you can get some support outside of your home, as your husband can't provide it right now. Wake up tomorrow and do ONE THING. Just ONE. Drink you 8 glasses of water. OR walk around the block. Do that for a week. Make it a habit. Then add one more thing. Rome was not built in a day, and neither are we.
I am here if you want to stop by my page. I have recently recommitted and have lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks. If I can do it, so can you. Slow and steady CAN win the race.
2496 days ago
Maybe you yourself are depressed. That feeling of being too lazy to do the things you know you should do and that you want to do is a symptom. Sitting around crying can also be a symptom (even if you have something to cry about).
Perhaps your craving for food is an attempt to self-medicate: sugar fires up the "reward" circuits in your brain.
Even if your husband won't get help for his depression, get help for yourself. You LIE about food, which isn't healthy behavior. You seem to know that already.
I'm not the food police. Who am I to throw stones? I had a Dairy Queen chicken strip meal and a Blizzard the other day and am having a little trouble myself with EE right now.
However, you did ask for it: I don't see that loaded foot-long coney in your food tracker. Stop right now and add it, and those other goodies too. If they're not already in the tracker's food database, you can get the nutrition info easily from the Sonic web site: http://www.sonicdrivein.com/nutriti
on/. Lie to your husband if you feel it's necessary, but don't lie to the tracker. Otherwise, why bother?
Not including a drink, your three snack foods had 1308 calories, 631 of them from fat. Maybe next time, just have one of those wonderful but fatty treats.
Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up too much.
2496 days ago
First, this is a difficult and long journey and you can't keep beating yourself up. If you are sticking with it you are on the right path. Second, you can only control your choices, as frustrating as it is you can't change your husband if he doesn't want to change. But I think you should follow the advice you gave him. It is unbelievably stressful to live with someone who has drepression issue, you should seek out theraputic support for yourself. You need time to focus just on you and therapy can really offer that opportunity. You deserve only the best.
2496 days ago
We have all had times when it is harder to stay on track. What is important is to keep trying. I think back to all the times in the past years, that I would "diet" and would be lucky if I lasted a week. I would have one "bad day" and then I would throw in the towel. Because I was not perfect, I guess I thought I deserved to be fat and miserable. Now, I'm finally getting it through my head that I do not have to be perfect. When I go over my calories, I forgive myself. I do not use it as an excuse to eat thousands of extra calories for days on end. Nope. I went over three hundred calories one day (or whatever). That is not enough to equal a pound of fat. That is no reason to give up on myself. So I keep fighting. I treat it kind of like those alcohol and drug abuse programs tell addicts...one day at a time. That's all I can control. I cannot change the fact I spent the previous 15 years packing on the pounds through my own poor dietary choices and lack of exercise. But I can control what I do today. So can you. One day at a time.
2496 days ago
i wish i had some helpful words. depression is like drug abuse, it drags down those who love the person to the point that they need help themselves, all i can say to u is go get some help for yourself, find what you need to be strong, maybe he will find a way to help himself, i know from experience, if someone doesnt want to get up and take that first step, no one can take it for them, good luck to you.
2496 days ago
I used to sneak things too. It was a long journey to get from where I was to where I am now.. a whole year a half to get excited as heck about going for a walk even when all I want to do is sit and stuff my face. A year a half to come home from work and cook my dinners or pick up something healthy instead of fast food. A year and a half on my journey to finally make the BEST choices for me.
You have to want to do this for you! This is not going to happen if YOU yourself and well YOU don't truly want it deep down in your heart and soul. It wont happen if you dont truly want to go for a walk, if you dont find exercise stress relieving. etc etc. I would sit down, close my eyes with a pad of paper and pen and just let my mind go and what you truly want will come to you, write them down along with the step you are willing to achieve them and you got a start, the next step is to get up and do it NOW not later or tomorrow or monday, you have to start RIGHT NOW.
I hope things get better, when you are truly ready it will happen. Good luck and keep sparkling
2496 days ago
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