This just in: I deserve to be loved, and by me of all people
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
So here it is, 8/24/2011, and I'm writing the introduction section on my SparkPage AGAIN. I went away for many months and didn't want to admit to myself or my tracker, not what I eat or how I am slothful, but rather exactly how little I have been caring for myself. Now I’m back with hope in my eyes. I came back this time because I'm finally ready to face the things that perpetuate this pattern, and I'm scared half to death about it. My old intro was all gung ho but totally out of touch with what I really need to create a life of happiness and healthy.
I could list 20 reasons that I am too busy to make myself a priority, but none of them matter. Even when I'm religious with SP I fail to care for myself in any loving way. And that is the core of my problem, not eating too much or exercising too little. Those are really just the symptoms. Please understand this is incredibly hard for me and I may burst into panic-stricken tears at any moment. I'm sharing it because I know I'm not the only one like this and I'm hoping this will shake the cobwebs off even just one person and get them on track again. I have been in therapy for my weight issues for a couple of months now. I can tell it's reaching new and scary emotional depths because I want to get up and run away every time we discuss how I feel about myself. Not just on the surface or even half way in, but deep down in my soul.
My core problem is a deep-seated and enormous lack of self-esteem. I didn't know I had so little self-esteem. I have a ton of self-confidence, which is my belief that I'm capable of doing anything I want. The self-esteem part is my belief that I am worthy of those things. So every day my confidence brain says, "You could totally work out and eat healthy today." My esteem brain counters with, "You don't deserve to look hot; you shouldn't even bother. Better yet, punish yourself for your inadequacy and eat everything you see." And so I have. For about 20 years.
We talk about where it came from and how it manifests but she can't help me break the pattern. And that brings me to this blog. It pains me to no end to admit out loud that I am _____ (take your pick: weak, inadequate, carrying baggage, in need of someone's help, broken, otherwise lacking in some vital character trait). I'm supposed to be Superwoman and can handle everything. Sadly, I must now say no, I am not.
Wow, that is actually kind of liberating! You mean I can be terrible at doing some things and still have value? Who knew?!?!?!
I’m only now realizing that SP is going to be invaluable for me to break the cycle of self-loathing and learn how to love myself, rather than just lose weight. I’m going to use every tool I can find to break this horrible pattern and become healthy both inside and out. And it started this afternoon when I tracked breakfast for the first time in I don’t know how long. Because I deserve the be treated well, most especially by me. I'm going to have to tell myself this over and over every day, but it will eventually stick and then I can finally move forward with the rest of my life.