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All or nothing

Thursday, August 18, 2011

That was the attitude I had when I first joined sparkpeople. Combined with constant feelings of guilt and failure and even anxiety. I was pretty sure I was pushing myself towards a panic attack (I've had one before.. it was NOT fun).

I pushed myself hard. I'd work out for 2 hours a day, watch EVERY little piece of food I put in my mouth and weighed myself 100 times a day. I cried all the time. This constant pressure was what my life had become. I didn't often read other people's blogs. I rarely posted in team threads or even added a whole lot of people to my page (and half of the ones I did disappeared off spark pretty fast). I wanted to give up but I didn't because I felt like I HAD to do this for everyone else's sake.


I had tried like hundreds of times to do this before but never stuck with it. I usually gave up after the first week because it was just too hard and I was depriving myself and, well, basically just wasn't ready. I was a bitter, angry person blaming everyone else for me failing, blaming everyone else for me gaining weight. Blaming everyone else for making me do this. I got in a fight with my boyfriend one night and to avoid him I had a bath. He came in while I was in the bath and we argued some more. I got angry at him because he wanted to have sex on the couch and I didn't want to because it's out in the open and there are lights and I had just gotten to the point where I didn't want him to see me naked anymore. In the bathroom while having a bath he was now staring at me again while I was naked and we were arguing. He was talking to me about working out and eating better and I took it wrong and got mad and he said something I never thought he would say. "What's wrong with me wanting you to lose some weight" Harsh right? I thought so. I kicked him out of the bathroom and cried some more. Then I had a realization. He wasn't saying it because he wanted me to know he thinks I'm fat. He said it because the past 2 months I've been whining about being fat and not letting him see me naked and just shutting him out completely. He said it because he wanted me to feel better about myself so that he could enjoy me again since I wouldn't let him anymore.

Incoming another failed attempt. I tried again but still without the proper advice or help. I didn't know if I was doing it right or if I was going about it all wrong. I also knew I had 150 lbs to lose and it just seemed like an unreachable number. So I gave up.

Then my 30th birthday happened. My birthday was on a monday so we were supposed to celebrate the weekend before. We invited a few people over. One person showed up. Regardless, I had a good night with that one friend.

But then came the day of my birthday. I spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon in bed crying about being 30 and just being a complete failure at life. I cried because Jason has 5 brothers and I only have 2 sisters (one's a step sister) and NO friends for the day that we get married and I need bridesmaids. I cried because every wedding I've ever been to has slide shows of the happy newlyweds and their friends having a blast together and we don't have pictures like that. I just cried and cried and cried and even when there were no tears left I still managed to sob.

History lesson over.. phew... *wiping away left over tears*

That was the day I decided I needed to change and this time it HAS to be for good. That was the day I found sparkpeople.

It took a long time for me to fully understand this site. I would write blogs and get some comments that would make me feel better. But it wasn't until I read other peoples blogs that I realized just how un-alone I was. Poof the weight of my world was lifted! I'm now into my fifth month on this website and I am NOT giving up. I've lost 35 lbs so far and I have 115 more to go but I am NOT giving up.

The fat girl is vanishing.

The fat girl attitude is vanishing too.

There is no way I am giving up on myself now. I refuse to spend the next 40+ years of my life as unhappy as I was. I deserve this new life. I deserve a best friend to share stories with. I deserve to be able to run without pain. I deserve to play with my kids for longer than 5 minutes. And I am the only one that can make that happen.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for writing this. It did bring on the tears. Brutally honest and so appreciated! It takes courage and support on this journey, doesn't it? emoticon
    2763 days ago
    Your blog is inspiring! I think many of us can relate. Thank you for posting!
    2763 days ago
    Thank you for posting this emoticon

    More and more, I'm convinced that the all-or-nothing attitude is a defense mechanism. We know deep down that it can't work, so when it 'fails', there's an excuse for giving up. I don't know how many times I assumed weight loss would only happen with perfection and that it was impossible because of that.

    Congrats on breaking through that and on the fantastic progress you've made.
    2767 days ago
  • TONYA43
    Well now I'm wiping away tears!!! Just remember YOU are worth it! Great job on the 35 lbs!! You'll get there!!!
    2770 days ago
    Very open & honest - WTG. emoticon You deserve much out of your life. If you get a chance check out YOOVIE's SP (
    .asp?id=351993). She has helped me to see that I make my life emoticon . By the way, your wallpaper is awesome. emoticon emoticon
    2770 days ago
    Glad you are finding out what you deserve, and moving toward it. :)
    2770 days ago
    You are right- You deserve this!! When I started this journey the first time (I have done this many times 2) I want to be that 152 lb girl again- have not been this weight since I was 16 and I am 36 now. Then when I rejoined Spark I read an article about women setting unrealistic goals. IT said that you may never be the size you were in HS because your body has changed so to set realstic goals. So this time I did the percentage challenge. I no longer desire to be 152, but for now I know I want to be under 200 (19lbs to go !). Then I will set another goal and then another until I think I am where I want to be. This is my journey and I need to find the size that will make me happy not what the scale says
    2770 days ago
    Wow, you were very brutal on yourself. Been there, still doing that. I know what it is to hide your body from the man you love. And have that fear in the back of your mind that one day he might not want to put up with your fat ass anymore.
    It kills your self esteem, your self worth. You stop valuing yourself.
    I'm so proud of your 15 pounds!! That's just AMAZING!! And it's been 5 months?! God, I hope I'm not like you. It's been barely a month and I'm already whining and complaining.
    But I know that together we can do it. I want to see you on here a year from now so we can compare progress pics!!
    Keep up the great work!! And thank you for being one of my biggest supporters!
    2770 days ago
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