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After 39 years .....

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I am preparing to take my oldest daughter to meet her biological father for the first time in her life. They have never set eyes on each other. I was barely 19 when I got pregnant, and he was well into his 30s. Of course, he denied it was HIS baby....but that was understandable, seeing as how he was a deadbeat dad to four other children, too. That was okay, we didn't need him in our lives.... and with his issues, not only did we not NEED him, I didn't WANT him in our lives. After my daughter was born, I tracked him down in Salt Lake City and called him once again (just out of fairness) to let him know that he had a 6 month old daughter who looked just like him, and the first word out of his mouth was an expletive. That was all I needed to know. I hung up the phone, and never talked to him again. We got along fine without him. I eventually married, and my husband raised her as his child. We never lied to her though, and she was always aware that there was a "sperm donor" out there somewhere who had a part in her creation.... but she never even asked any questions until she was 23 years old. Then, because there were some health issues, I gathered a sampling of pictures of her from birth through the years to the current time, and made color copies, and wrote a letter to him. I began it by saying that in 23 years, I'd never asked for money, never called or tried to contact him, never took legal action to try and make him pay child support, and as a matter of fact would not be contacting him now if his daughter didn't need to know some things that were health-related. Being an alcoholic, after he got my letter, he drank himself some liquid courage and then telephoned me. He kept me on the phone for nearly an hour, constantly asking if I was sure she was his kid, and how did I know, and how could he be sure I wasn't lying to him? Finally I told him that if I was going to lie to my daughter about who her father was.... I'd sure as HECK make up someone better than HIM!!! That shut him up pretty fast. Eventually, he called her.... and they chatted for quite a while, with him drunkenly repeating himself and making excuses over and over again, until she was able to politely disengage. That was when she was 23 years old. They have kept in touch sporadically - he sends her Christmas cards and advertising calendars from his business.... and once, he even sent her $50. That was a shocker! She's now 38, and FINALLY has decided that if she ever wants to meet him, she'd better do it quickly, because he's got to be in his 70s, and being an alcoholic, who knows how much longer he will live? I phoned him a couple of weeks ago, and asked if he would be willing to meet with us, and he said "yes" - that he'd like that. And he even said that he would make an effort to see if some of his other grown children would care to meet her. Apparently they all know about her, but they don't much care for him.... so he's not sure if they'll be willing to meet her, especially if HE is in the picture. That's sad.... but - if they know about her, then she can feel comfortable contacting them through FaceBook (she's already looked them up and found out what they look like, who they're married to, and other things about them - but hasn't wanted to intrude in their lives unexpectedly). So, this weekend will be an adventure - I hope it goes well, and that she gets what she needs from it. I'm there for her, and always will be.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! What a story.... and it has many similaries to mine, one difference \i married the guy, and it took over 5 years to divorce him finally. But when my daughter was 27 she contacted him, spoke by phone only a couple times, met one half-brother, and he sent her a pic of himself, which she gave to me, she didn't want it and now she too, at 38, doesn;t have anything to do with him. As a matter of fact, she too asked if she had any siblings when she contacted him, and he wouldn't even tell her...Some real deadbeats out there...Hope the weekend goes well for you all.
    2466 days ago
    I hope it goes well, if nothing else, to give your daughter a sense of maybe 'closure' about things....and I don't even know if that is the proper word to really use. But I can relate to this in a big way, since I was adopted as a child and never knew my bio parents. Health history is very important.....I tried repeatedly to obtain medical insurance for myself thru the years, because I was self-employed. The sole reason I was denied time and time again was due to the fact that I was adopted and had no medical history for myself. Not knowing what is in your genes can impact your healthcare to a large extent. I am sorry that her father was a deadbeat dad, and had no interaction with her thru the years, but possibly this will be good for them both to meet now. I am sure, given his age, that he has had many years to think about all of the mistakes he may have made along the way, and whether or not he ever verbalizes it, even to himself, I am sure he has many regrets, as do we all. We are all victims of one thing or another during the course of this lifetime that we are given, and it's not possible to make it thru without making mistakes. May God bless all of you and hopefully bring something good from a situation that seems predominantly bad for all of you.
    2468 days ago
    Blessings to you and thank you for sharing.

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    2468 days ago
  • SALEX52
    This will be an interesting weekend for you and your daughter. I hope it goes well, especially for your daughter.
    2468 days ago
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