Cupcakes > Edward Norton
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I find lots of things irritating. I'm a glass half empty, better fill it up before it gets drained again kind of girl and I know this must be fixed, stat. First and foremost, I'm irritated by myself. For making excuses. For not sticking to the gameplan. For involving cupcakes in my daily fantasies rather than Edward Norton. If you'll notice, my profile picture was taken by my husband from an angle above me. So slimming, and a trick used by many a myspace and facebook debutante to make their eyes and boobs look bigger and their asses look smaller. Now, I like to think that being a short girl, that everyone is forced to look at me from an angle above me and they all think I'm 30 pounds less than I actually am. I LIKE to think this. It gets me through the day. What I am currently irritated about myself about, is that I couldn't bring myself to upload an actual picture that shows my chunk in all it's glory. Even for random strangers who are here to support, and couldn't give a rats hiney if I were 400 pounds bigger or 60 pounds slimmer. I still couldn't do it. Why the roadblock?
I secretly envy those "big and beautiful" girls, who exude confidence....who even if they aren't at the pinnacle of good health, they are happy with their size, even proud of how great they look. When I was tiny..anywhere from 105-125...I always perceived myself as fat and was miserable. If I had a time machine...well, before Quantum Leaping it up and making right what once went wrong, I do believe I might slap my aged 16-24 self till my own eyes watered.
I want to make it clear that I am NOT miserable. I have a fantastic life! A wonderful husband...two children who seem to be pulled right from the set of some zany sitcom. But I feel so self conscious about this extra weight that I am holding back. Why? Why can't I be one of those BBWs? For health reasons, I certainly wouldn't want to be...but their positive attitude about their size and how they look is to be envied.
I guess I worry that no matter how big or small I am I will always be self conscious. The picture posted is flattering and it is recent....but it's not what I see. I delete pictures that show the truth as fast as my friends tag me in them. I worry that my inability to bring myself to post a straight on shot of my chub means I'm not ready. That I'll fail again. That by not posting a better picture of "the problem" that I'm not taking full responsibility for myself.
The truth is, I'm 5'1, small framed and 174 pounds. I love myself. I'm ridiculously awesome. But I am overweight. I am obese. Because I love myself, I'm going to change that. I'm 31 years old. No growth spurts in my future to use up all these extra calories, and it's not going to get any easier to lose the extra poundage. Despite my fears and my insecurities, I do have to try....and hopefully by blogging about it, being active within this online community, and using the resources available to me that I will become a healthier person over the next year and throughout my lifetime. But I think I'll always enjoy a good cupcake.