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Anxiety Gaga

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Really, I meant that to be a Queen reference, and only after I typed it did I realize most people will just think it refers to Lady Gaga.

Ok.. so... umm...

You guys know I am trying, right?

When I was a child (maybe 12-13) I remember being in complete denial to how much I ate, how much I snacked, how I used food as a form of self-medication for my anxiety and depression. I would tell doctors I didn't eat more than a normal person... I ate plenty of fruits and veggies and didn't drink soda.. I played softball.. and all of those things were true, except that, late at night, I would sneak packs of oreos, icecream, potato chips, or whatever other horrid thing my family always kept an abundance of, into my bedroom for secret-binging.

I didn't feel as if I were LYING to these doctors, because my normal daily meals were, on the whole, quite healthy (or at least has healthy as my view of healthy got back then). My mind sort of pushed these "snacking sessions" out of memory, as a dirty little secret that I kept even from myself... probably out of fear of pain stemming from actually dealing with it (take away my only coping mechanism in a world full of pain?, nuh uh, doc!). Classic textbook denial.

I was a fat person in denial. I know you have seen one before.... they eat a pizza, then go for a walk, and eat another pizza, telling the doctor "I've really been trying to lose weight! I go for walks!"... maybe you've only seen them on T.V. dramas, or in stories told by others. But you know what I mean.

Now?

I AM TRYING. I am trying SO HARD. I have NO dirty little secrets, and I can prove it!! I cannot even express my dismay at having to go to the doctor today because I cannot lose weight, despite 6 good weeks of a huge calorie deficit, strength training, and nutrition. OH, and then there was also the fact that I felt TERRIBLE today, had a fever, inflammation, high heart rate, headache, fatigue... unfortunately pretty much the norm for me lately, only more pronounced than usual.

How do I explain that I am not a fat person in denial anymore? I told her I count every single calorie, I told her I do 4 hours of moderate cardio (50-60% pulse increase) each week. I told her I do 1-2 strength training sessions each week, I told her I eat between 8-12 servings of freggies daily, that I spread out my carbs into 5 small meals, than I drink 10-14 cups of water daily...I told her how I cook every night.... I told her how I have six weeks worth of documents that show I should have a huge calorie deficit totaling over 15 lbs... And then I tell her that I have lost 4.2... and the scale says, today, that I have gained most of it back, for a net loss of 1.3 lbs over six weeks.

I was literally at my wits end. I have never tried so hard for a short term goal in my entire life, and I was not getting results. How do you express that to someone, when all they probably see is a 400 lb woman desperately seeking to blame her obesity and lack of self-control on a medical condition?

I TOOK personal responsibility, I DID everything I could, and I succeeded--on paper, and in habits... but I have not succeeded on the scale.

I have had a small success in terms of body fat %.. which is probably the only saving grace of the entire situation, but I think (and I hope someone will agree with me) that a 400 lb woman who does this much work should be losing more than 1.3 lbs in 6 weeks. There are obviously factors out of my control.... factors which I need to address.

So, I sucked it up, and I went to the doctor. I told her how I wake up 4-8 times every night, for no real reason (I do use the bathroom, but more out of habit than actually needing to go). She ran a urine sample to make sure there is no UTi. There isn't. I told her how I slept 8 hours last night and feel like I haven't even slept at all..... and how I usually sleep 10.5 and still get a lot of fatigue, headaches, and what I call "brain inflammation"--the feeling of high blood pressure, or my brain pounding in my head, pushing in all directions on my skull. My eyes feel pressure too (but I just went to the eye doctor, and I don't have glaucoma). My blood pressure was normal at the doctor's office. I told her about my chronic headaches, my lack of energy, and how I have devoted EVERYTHING I have and everything I am to this recent weight loss effort in an attempt to pull myself out of this slump, to little success.

As I recounted the tale of my nearly 90 lb weight loss, and how I kept it off for 2 years, and how I gained almost all of it back in a period of about 6-8 months, I couldn't help but cry. It was so, so difficult. I felt unimaginable shame--but more importantly, anxiety. My biggest fear is being this weight forever, despite my best efforts. As I told her all of this, I felt (and this might be all in my head) like she was viewing me as one of those fat people in denial.... like someone who orders a triple baconator, a large fry, and a diet coke, and then says they are cutting their calories. I tried so hard to impress upon her how hard I have been trying in this lifestyle change... but at the end of it, she seemed unimpressed and unsympathetic. It just drove me crazy. Why do I care so much about what anyone else thinks of me? Well, in this case, at least, I know I NEED HELP. MEDICAL HELP.

Luckily, at my behest, she agreed to write me a prescription for my anxiety that is NOT an ssri (every SSRI and one SNRI I have taken gave me terrible side effects and made me feel worse off than without any antidepressants). It is also not an opiate, like Xanax (which, if used, long term, can be addictive and cause memory loss and other mean side effects). It is called BuSpar (Buspirone), and it is supposed to help me function with generalized anxiety disorder.

She also wrote me a prescription for Ambien, in an attempt to "jump start" my sleep pattern back to normal... and I am having a sleep study done on September 12 to rule out sleep apnea and other sleeping disorders unrelated to anxiety.

The best possible outcome: the anxiety medication helps me function normally, without feeling like there is a tiger hiding in every room about to pounce and rip my throat out. The sleep study reveals some factor out of my control that is easily curable, and I suddenly start to lose weight because of my incredible efforts that I should be proud of myself for maintaining over these 6 weeks and into the future. I feel well-rested and happy.

Please wish me luck... And thanks for reading about my issues. I would like nothing better than for SOMEONE to vocalize how they think I have been doing a good job (how sad is that?) and I am not above begging at this point. Has anyone else ever felt like a doctor didn't take your seriously because of your weight?

Oh, and grapefruits.. are apparently now my kryptonite.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KARMATASTROPHE
    This sounds so frustrating. You are doing a great job keeping your head up and moving forward, though! I know your efforts will pay off soon.
    emoticon
    3321 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5815518
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair to put forth SO much effort---more than most people I've spoken to lately--and not see any sort of physical proof that you are doing so. It sounds to me like there might be a medical condition that is either agitating your weight loss efforts or standing in the way of them, and I hope you find a doctor that is willing to listen to you for YOU. Perhaps someone who is a certified nutritionist? Someone who specializes in people with obesity? Unfortunately, there are a lot of doctors who assume that we are lying just because we are overweight...that there is no way that we can't be losing anything if we're putting forth THAT MUCH effort. I, too, used to lie when I was younger; I was in complete denial of things. But they should know if you're that desperate right now that you have to be telling the truth.

    I hope you find something in your sleep study, or something else that really leads to a break-through as far as understanding your body and your weight struggles goes. Please keep us posted, and maybe start to shop around for a better, more understanding doctor?
    3321 days ago
  • no profile photo CD929744
    Random note: did you know that Lady Gaga's name is a combination of lady Madonna from teh beatles and Radio Gaga from queen?
    3322 days ago
  • CHEFSOPHIE
    No need to beg. You are working hard. You amaze me at all the research you do on nutrition, all the foods you prepare to ensure they are all natural, and all the projects you take on like the water garden. I have a great respect for you. My greatest hope is that the steps you are taking now help you feel better.
    3322 days ago
  • BECKYB73
    You're working your a$$ off and it's maddening to not be seeing any results at this point. When I last went to the doctor, her diet advice to me was to eat 1200 calories per day, not worry about exercise and the weight would just melt off.

    Yeah. not doing that. I mean maybe if I was prepping for a humanitarian mission in Somalia or something, but seriously? Then last year I went to a doctor who wanted me to go vegan for 12 weeks...vegan? me? Um, I'm FROM the Midwest, seriously, vegan was not in my vocabulary until recent years and relocating to the Pac-NW.

    So, I think you just use the doctors for things they're good at...like writing scripts and making referrals. Cause honestly, if your brain chemistry is not up to snuff you're going to have an even harder time losing. Same thing with the sleep apnea; it's something I have that went undiagnosed for YEARS.

    Just remember, to be your own best advocate and if the Doctor is telling you something that's straight out of Crazy Town, you can IGNORE that advice.
    3322 days ago
  • MAMADWARF
    I hope you start feeling better and really, just take it one day at a time. You can do this and it WILL start kicking in. You are gonna get there and you have what it takes!~!!
    3322 days ago
  • BECOMING_HOLLY
    You are one of the people that I know for a FACT is working her hardest to accomplish her goals. My partner use to take BuSpar and it really helped her. I don't know if you read my blogs but back in February when she took it, she lost 10lbs and was so active with me... it was great. I really hope that it will help you get a good night sleep, do the medical things it needs to do for you so that you can see some results with the work you have been putting into your new life.

    Is there any way you can look for a new doc? I had a doctor (who I only saw for an ear infection!) go off on a rampage about my weight and so now I refuse to let her treat me OR my daughter - just because of the way she treated me. You deserve to be treated with respect and trust, no matter how many pounds the scale claims!

    Keep working - it will pay off. I hope that you figure out exactly what is going on medically because I know how frustrating and overwhelming it can be when you don't have an answer.
    3322 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10459487
    I never go to the doctor, and it's because of my weight. Not because I can't handle the "you need to lose weight" speeches, or the clinical classification of just how fat I am, or any of the normal reasons...it's because I feel like they blame my weight for any medical problem I'm experiencing. I had horrible migraines as a teenager - they said lose weight and they'll stop. I get chronic sinusitis in the winter - they say lose weight and it'll clear up. I swear I could go in with a toothache and they'll tell me diet and exericse is all I need.

    And they're so condescending about it, like just diet and exercise! How hard is that?? Um, really hard. Like super duper hard. Contrary to what you're probably thinking Miss 90-pound Know-it-all Medical Practitioner With The Judgey Stare, I don't eat fast food two meals a day and a gallon of ice cream for the third. I don't lounge on my couch wistfully watching reruns of the Biggest Loser thinking that one day it'll magically be me, whilst scarfing down two dozen chicken wings, sauce and grease all over my face and XXXXL AC/DC shirt that I'm wearing even though I don't like AC/DC but somehow they're the only shirts that come in XXXXL besides Budweiser ones and that one's in the laundry. I'm a salad eating, zumba-ing, deep-fryer shunning, weight training, awesomely healthy fat person, so SHUT UP.

    woo tangent. anyway.

    So I totally understand your frustration with the doctor. I swear they're more sympathetic to smokers and alcoholics than to fat kids. It's the worst. But good on you for going, and trying, and putting your health first. It doesn't matter what they think, you know how hard you're working, and it -will- pay off eventually. You'll see. =]

    also, I'm a big fan of the MSPaint wtf pictures. XD
    3322 days ago
  • VANESSA2200
    You are doing a great job!! I can't believe how frustrating it is for you. I have had a doctor treat me like that. (She is still my doctor because I live in a place where it is hard to find doctors.) I can't understand why they can't still look at you like a person and help you with your problems. Your weight should not matter to a doctor!
    Just know I'm here for you and all your hard work has got to pay off soon! I'm hoping for you that all of a sudden a whole bunch comes off! Keep up your hard work, I know you can do it!
    3322 days ago
  • ESOLLING
    You've been working really hard, and I'm so sorry that you're not getting the results. I cannot imagine the frustration. I hope that the medications work, and I'll send prayers your way.

    By the way, you ARE doing a good job, and you didn't have to beg for that. You're working your butt off. You're not keeping any more secrets. You are doing the best that you can right now. And you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.
    3322 days ago
  • K_CHRISTER
    Yes, DO NOT eat grapefruits, and DO NOT drink grapefruit juice!!!! Don't be sad, sometime we all need help to get back on track! I am first to admit I have taken most of the things you wrote about. Some had the adverse side-effect to gain weight, but it was depression and anxiety and not the scale that was my main problem then.

    I am glad you were 100% honest both towards self and your doctor, and I am glad she took you seriously!!! You are a wonderful person, and you deserve nothing but the best from those around you. You didn't beg doctor for help, believe me I have seen those that do, you explained your despair and the urgency! You have done all you can, you have used all the tools you have had available, you explained you had run out of option and you need professional help. I hope you will receive it...

    Know that you always have my support, you always free to write and contact me... please take care. Keep up the high hopes, keep fighting, and know without change there would be no butterflies. HUG!
    3323 days ago
  • SOSMEGOD
    Good for to stand up for yourself with that uncaring doctor. It's a proven fact that doctors treat overweight people differently then our skinny counterparts. If we don't fight for good health care who will fight for us. Not everything health wise is because we're overweight. Keep fighting, keep fighting for the weightloss, Keep fighting to exercise and definitely fight for your health care. Hang in there! Good Luck in your journey.
    3323 days ago
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