Really, I meant that to be a Queen reference, and only after I typed it did I realize most people will just think it refers to Lady Gaga.
Ok.. so... umm...
You guys know I am trying, right?
When I was a child (maybe 12-13) I remember being in complete denial to how much I ate, how much I snacked, how I used food as a form of self-medication for my anxiety and depression. I would tell doctors I didn't eat more than a normal person... I ate plenty of fruits and veggies and didn't drink soda.. I played softball.. and all of those things were true, except that, late at night, I would sneak packs of oreos, icecream, potato chips, or whatever other horrid thing my family always kept an abundance of, into my bedroom for secret-binging.
I didn't feel as if I were LYING to these doctors, because my normal daily meals were, on the whole, quite healthy (or at least has healthy as my view of healthy got back then). My mind sort of pushed these "snacking sessions" out of memory, as a dirty little secret that I kept even from myself... probably out of fear of pain stemming from actually dealing with it (take away my only coping mechanism in a world full of pain?, nuh uh, doc!). Classic textbook denial.
I was a fat person in denial. I know you have seen one before.... they eat a pizza, then go for a walk, and eat another pizza, telling the doctor "I've really been trying to lose weight! I go for walks!"... maybe you've only seen them on T.V. dramas, or in stories told by others. But you know what I mean.
I AM TRYING. I am trying SO HARD. I have NO dirty little secrets, and I can prove it!! I cannot even express my dismay at having to go to the doctor today because I cannot lose weight, despite 6 good weeks of a huge calorie deficit, strength training, and nutrition. OH, and then there was also the fact that I felt TERRIBLE today, had a fever, inflammation, high heart rate, headache, fatigue... unfortunately pretty much the norm for me lately, only more pronounced than usual.
How do I explain that I am not a fat person in denial anymore? I told her I count every single calorie, I told her I do 4 hours of moderate cardio (50-60% pulse increase) each week. I told her I do 1-2 strength training sessions each week, I told her I eat between 8-12 servings of freggies daily, that I spread out my carbs into 5 small meals, than I drink 10-14 cups of water daily...I told her how I cook every night.... I told her how I have six weeks worth of documents that show I should have a huge calorie deficit totaling over 15 lbs... And then I tell her that I have lost 4.2... and the scale says, today, that I have gained most of it back, for a net loss of 1.3 lbs over six weeks.
I was literally at my wits end. I have never tried so hard for a short term goal in my entire life, and I was not getting results. How do you express that to someone, when all they probably see is a 400 lb woman desperately seeking to blame her obesity and lack of self-control on a medical condition?
I TOOK personal responsibility, I DID everything I could, and I succeeded--on paper, and in habits... but I have not succeeded on the scale.
I have had a small success in terms of body fat %.. which is probably the only saving grace of the entire situation, but I think (and I hope someone will agree with me) that a 400 lb woman who does this much work should be losing more than 1.3 lbs in 6 weeks. There are obviously factors out of my control.... factors which I need to address.
So, I sucked it up, and I went to the doctor. I told her how I wake up 4-8 times every night, for no real reason (I do use the bathroom, but more out of habit than actually needing to go). She ran a urine sample to make sure there is no UTi. There isn't. I told her how I slept 8 hours last night and feel like I haven't even slept at all..... and how I usually sleep 10.5 and still get a lot of fatigue, headaches, and what I call "brain inflammation"--the feeling of high blood pressure, or my brain pounding in my head, pushing in all directions on my skull. My eyes feel pressure too (but I just went to the eye doctor, and I don't have glaucoma). My blood pressure was normal at the doctor's office. I told her about my chronic headaches, my lack of energy, and how I have devoted EVERYTHING I have and everything I am to this recent weight loss effort in an attempt to pull myself out of this slump, to little success.
As I recounted the tale of my nearly 90 lb weight loss, and how I kept it off for 2 years, and how I gained almost all of it back in a period of about 6-8 months, I couldn't help but cry. It was so, so difficult. I felt unimaginable shame--but more importantly, anxiety. My biggest fear is being this weight forever, despite my best efforts. As I told her all of this, I felt (and this might be all in my head) like she was viewing me as one of those fat people in denial.... like someone who orders a triple baconator, a large fry, and a diet coke, and then says they are cutting their calories. I tried so hard to impress upon her how hard I have been trying in this lifestyle change... but at the end of it, she seemed unimpressed and unsympathetic. It just drove me crazy. Why do I care so much about what anyone else thinks of me? Well, in this case, at least, I know I NEED HELP. MEDICAL HELP.
Luckily, at my behest, she agreed to write me a prescription for my anxiety that is NOT an ssri (every SSRI and one SNRI I have taken gave me terrible side effects and made me feel worse off than without any antidepressants). It is also not an opiate, like Xanax (which, if used, long term, can be addictive and cause memory loss and other mean side effects). It is called BuSpar (Buspirone), and it is supposed to help me function with generalized anxiety disorder.
She also wrote me a prescription for Ambien, in an attempt to "jump start" my sleep pattern back to normal... and I am having a sleep study done on September 12 to rule out sleep apnea and other sleeping disorders unrelated to anxiety.
The best possible outcome: the anxiety medication helps me function normally, without feeling like there is a tiger hiding in every room about to pounce and rip my throat out. The sleep study reveals some factor out of my control that is easily curable, and I suddenly start to lose weight because of my incredible efforts that I should be proud of myself for maintaining over these 6 weeks and into the future. I feel well-rested and happy.
Please wish me luck... And thanks for reading about my issues. I would like nothing better than for SOMEONE to vocalize how they think I have been doing a good job (how sad is that?) and I am not above begging at this point. Has anyone else ever felt like a doctor didn't take your seriously because of your weight?
Oh, and grapefruits.. are apparently now my kryptonite.