Fessing up time

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So I need to confess that I've been dealing with some serious depression surrounding several things in life. Not life threatening or even medication needing depression. This is more like feeling sorry for myself, dealing with old issues that have decided to return, etc. 1) when my power lifting coach emailed me some information that made it impossible for me to continue working with him (the 2nd time now that I was nearing my 1st competition) - old memory of being pulled from gymnastics as a kid when my coach had told my mom more than once that he felt that I could make the Olympics. 2) back & knees giving me pain that sometimes makes it really hard to even want to move. 3) grandma dying and not being able to meet my 4 younger kids. 4) my dad being on a mission of destruction. 5) my uncle & aunt cutting me out of their lives when my 15 yr old was under 1 yr. old for reasons they still won't share accept that it was because of my ex (acting really weird at grandma's funeral). 6) my mom deciding to move back to California without even saying goodbye to me or the kids. 7) 4 kids at home (2 teens & 2 pre-teens) on my own; a couple of them struggling with identity issues and just plain old fashioned "I'm a kid, that's my job troubles". To top it off, the summer schedule makes it impossible to go to the gym to do cardio at night like I normally do which has thrown my body into "gain mode" which is not making me happy at all. So, now that I've whined I need to let this stuff go somehow, know that God is in control & that he loves me and the kids no matter what and find a happy place for all of us and make traditions, etc. that the kids can carry on instead of these sick patterns that previous family have instilled in our lives.

What am I doing for myself? Well, I still workout at lunch time and when I can I like to take long bike rides. Saturday is my day to spend 2-3 hrs at the gym depending on what the kids have going on. Staying in contact with my two good girlfriends and occassionally going out to the movies with them just to relax. Tracking food and trying to figure out what's triggering my body into the state that it's in. Any ideas from anybody reading this would be fantastic!!!

Side note: if anybody knows a good plastic surgeon that would like to do pro-bono work, please give them my contact info! emoticon
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    Wow Shanibug, we've missed you! So so sad to hear all that's been bubbling up for you. I agree with the others that it's so important to blog about it, share it, get it OUT THERE, rather than holding it all to yourself. That's the very first step to beginning healing.

    2473 days ago
    wow! that is a lot on your plate. somethings just blog helps priortize or exam the issue! hope things work out
    2473 days ago
    I hope that 'voicing' some of what is going on was helpful to you. Sometimes we get so much going on that it helps to sort it out by writing it down. You may never get some of the answers that you are looking for. I have learned the hard way that sometimes there just aren't answers (even when it seems there should be). I have also learned that when you have a lot to deal with you need to start with the things you can control. You cannot control or change anything that is in the past. You should focus on you and your children. If it is too hard to let some of the other things go on your own, then you need to think about talking to a professional - it's what they are there for. Don't let it fester any longer without dealing with it some how. If you aren't able to cope, you will never be able to help your children - it will hurt them in the long run. You have handled a lot and it's ok to seek help if you need to -there is no weakness there. Keep your chin up - you can get through whatever comes your way - it's the way we are built! emoticon
    2473 days ago
    LOL you made me seriously laugh with the plastic surgeon comment!

    As far as the family, you have the right idea about making your own traditions. I moved to another state, 60 miles away from my family when I was 19 and I stayed away until I was 28. I would visit them, sure. But there are some people that are just toxic. And it's your responsibility as a mom to shield your kids from that as much as possible.
    They're also watching you and seeing how you react to stressful situations.
    That's what did it for me. I didn't want any of my children to grow up and be like me (how sad is that?!). The change has to start from within.

    Congrats on your success so far! Keep up the good work!!

    2473 days ago
    It sounds like you really have a lot on your plate. You sound like a strong person though. Summer schedules are tough, but school will be back in soon so you will have some routine again emoticon If you find the plastic surgeon that does pro bono I want his number too emoticon
    2473 days ago
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