Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My father died on Sunday. He lingered after a stroke for 3 weeks before finally passing on. This event brought up a lot of feelings with me, but none of them particularly strong, at least not in a negative way. I don't feel like I've been cheated out of a chance to make things right, or that I will never have closure because I didn't forgive him for his wrongs, and so on. I don't believe in forgiving someone who refuses to admit that he did anything wrong at all. What is there to forgive if the man doesn't speak of his actions, therefore will not admit that he did them?
Then too, he had many, many years to come out to the world about his sickness and his past and all the wrongs he perpetrated on others. He chose to stay silent, and in that silence he chose the worst sort of life I can imagine - no joy, no friends, no love, only a television set where late at night he watched porn movies nonstop. That became his life for the last 30 years.
I've been doing a lot of talking in the last few weeks. I call it overanalyzing, but what I have been doing is getting all this stuff out of my body. I haven't binged, either, so I think I'm doing something right. I've let it all out to the cosmos, to the atmosphere, anywhere but stuffed back inside of me. My friends all say that whatever I do is the right thing, and not to do something because it's what I'm supposed to be doing. So I am on the right track, I'm in a good place inside my head.
I don't feel thwarted, either, that my father never got his comeuppance. What he did to himself makes everything else pale in comparison.
So, since I have 3 days of paid bereavement leave, I've embarked on a whole-house cleansing. I'm scrubbing, vacuuming, shampooing, washing, and all the windows and doors will be open to let in the air, and I don't care how hot it gets. I do appreciate that our weather right now is pretty mild!! When I've done the cleansing, then I'll light the cedar incense throughout the house to purify it, and then I'll do a traditional Japanese bathing ritual for my own spiritual cleansing. Old baggage, old dirt. Begone shadows, welcome light.