What is my problem?
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Ever since I've been back from our vacation I've been in a slump. Not so bad a slump that I'm gaining weight back but just where I don't have the same drive as I did before we left. I walked around for 3 weeks in a sort of "blah" state and wondered where that drive went and how come I didn't feel the same push I did before we left. I sat down with Jason one night and we were watching Big Brother and started talking afterwards and I had a realization while we were talking. Before my trip it was about impressions. It was about showing my family I had lost weight and about being smaller before I met his family. The first whole 3 months of this journey wasn't about me at all. It made me sad. I thought I was over caring what other people thought about me but I realize I still care a whole lot. Even after I hit this realization I started trying to find reasons to get my drive back and the only thing that came to mind was that my son's hockey season starts in november and how cool it would be to show up 60-70 lbs lighter than I was last year. How sad is that? It's sad because again, it's not about me.. it's about showing those other women that I'm not a big fatty and I will be worth being friends with once the weight is gone.
Ummmm.. hello? Brain? *knock knock* Have you gone retarded?? When will you get the idea that this needs to be important to ME? That my worth does not rely on what other people think? That even with this weight I am BEAUTIFUL, STRONG and SEXY? Okay I know if I was to look in the mirror I wouldn't believe any of that crap if I had to say it to myself. But maybe I need to do it anyway a few times every day until I start to believe it.
Jason paid for a membership for the gym at his work and he talked to his boss and his boss told him it was okay for me to go for free for a month or two to see if I liked it before I had to start paying as well. He told him this a week ago. So why haven't I went yet? I could make up all kinds of excuses. (Sort of the queen at excuse making. Sorry guys I know you all are good at making excuses as well but clearly I am the queen) The plain and simple fact is I'm scared. It's a very small room with equipment jammed into it and the only thing I can really see myself using is the treadmill (demon reason - why do I need to go for a treadmill when I can just walk around this town?) There's also some strength training machines I need to use. But I'm scared of being in there and have other people come in while I'm there. (I live in the tiniest of towns -500 people I sht u not- There's a list on the door of people who have access to the room and there's like 6 maybe 7 people on that list) plus you can hear if someone's in there before you go in so the chances of someone else coming into this tiny little room with like 4 machines is pretty slim. Yet I still have only been in it once and that was when Jason took me there to show me where it was and to show me what's inside. It's pathetic.
So the plus side to all this whining and drive-less few weeks. I have still lost weight. I think I'm terrified to go back to what I was. At least my head knows that I can't go back up, that I refuse to gain back 30lbs. Every week since I've been back has been a 1lb loss. I know a lot of you are probably like "hey that's still good" but it could be so much better and I know it. This bare minimum crap just isn't sitting well with me anymore. Time to get my motivation back and make this journey more about doing this for myself and much less about doing this for other people. On the plus side - 10% of my total body weight and 20% of the pounds I need to lose is gone FOREVER! And I do mean forever. I will never be 300 again ever.
Okay time to force down some breakfast and track it. Then off to look under the furniture for my will power and drive.
Have a great week sparkers!
Oh and TOM? Go to hell k thanks!