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What is my problem?

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Ever since I've been back from our vacation I've been in a slump. Not so bad a slump that I'm gaining weight back but just where I don't have the same drive as I did before we left. I walked around for 3 weeks in a sort of "blah" state and wondered where that drive went and how come I didn't feel the same push I did before we left. I sat down with Jason one night and we were watching Big Brother and started talking afterwards and I had a realization while we were talking. Before my trip it was about impressions. It was about showing my family I had lost weight and about being smaller before I met his family. The first whole 3 months of this journey wasn't about me at all. It made me sad. I thought I was over caring what other people thought about me but I realize I still care a whole lot. Even after I hit this realization I started trying to find reasons to get my drive back and the only thing that came to mind was that my son's hockey season starts in november and how cool it would be to show up 60-70 lbs lighter than I was last year. How sad is that? It's sad because again, it's not about me.. it's about showing those other women that I'm not a big fatty and I will be worth being friends with once the weight is gone.

Ummmm.. hello? Brain? *knock knock* Have you gone retarded?? When will you get the idea that this needs to be important to ME? That my worth does not rely on what other people think? That even with this weight I am BEAUTIFUL, STRONG and SEXY? Okay I know if I was to look in the mirror I wouldn't believe any of that crap if I had to say it to myself. But maybe I need to do it anyway a few times every day until I start to believe it.

Jason paid for a membership for the gym at his work and he talked to his boss and his boss told him it was okay for me to go for free for a month or two to see if I liked it before I had to start paying as well. He told him this a week ago. So why haven't I went yet? I could make up all kinds of excuses. (Sort of the queen at excuse making. Sorry guys I know you all are good at making excuses as well but clearly I am the queen) The plain and simple fact is I'm scared. It's a very small room with equipment jammed into it and the only thing I can really see myself using is the treadmill (demon reason - why do I need to go for a treadmill when I can just walk around this town?) There's also some strength training machines I need to use. But I'm scared of being in there and have other people come in while I'm there. (I live in the tiniest of towns -500 people I sht u not- There's a list on the door of people who have access to the room and there's like 6 maybe 7 people on that list) plus you can hear if someone's in there before you go in so the chances of someone else coming into this tiny little room with like 4 machines is pretty slim. Yet I still have only been in it once and that was when Jason took me there to show me where it was and to show me what's inside. It's pathetic.

So the plus side to all this whining and drive-less few weeks. I have still lost weight. I think I'm terrified to go back to what I was. At least my head knows that I can't go back up, that I refuse to gain back 30lbs. Every week since I've been back has been a 1lb loss. I know a lot of you are probably like "hey that's still good" but it could be so much better and I know it. This bare minimum crap just isn't sitting well with me anymore. Time to get my motivation back and make this journey more about doing this for myself and much less about doing this for other people. On the plus side - 10% of my total body weight and 20% of the pounds I need to lose is gone FOREVER! And I do mean forever. I will never be 300 again ever.

Okay time to force down some breakfast and track it. Then off to look under the furniture for my will power and drive.

Have a great week sparkers! emoticon

Oh and TOM? Go to hell k thanks!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Yeah, it's good you are realizing it can't be about what they think or doing it for someone else. Find something that really inspires you...for everyone it's different.

    the gym can be intimidating. Is there anyone that can show you how to use the machines? Someone who works there? Jason?

    As for losing motivation. I feel like it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel so motivated and sometimes I can't get myself to do anything. But what helps is just to do something. that helps me feel motivated again. I like the way I feel and I want to do more. the days I work out, I want to do more, the days I don't, I don't.

    The treadmill can be cool. You can control speed, incline, do intervals, train for a 5k (Spark People 5k your way..), and do cool down and warm up. Some you can program and you don't have to think about it, it does the speed adjustments for you.

    You might want to watch some demo videos of machines or strength training on SP so you feel more comfortable.

    Have you made your vision collage? That might help you focus on what you want, what your goals are, what really drives you.

    2815 days ago
    I think we've all been there. Honestly, as much as I wanted to get healthy and feel better, at the beginning the mental image I had was me struggling to do up a very large wedding dress over my very large tummy. I'm about 90% into doing this for myself, but I still feel that extra drive if I'm seeing friends or family. I don't think it's necessarily a bad reason to want to do things, but it can't be the only reason. The fact that you've already recognized this puts you miles ahead of all the people who give up once the more shallow goal is met (or those who give up because they don't think they're going to reach that goal in time, forgetting that they still have the rest of their life to go after that date).

    As for the gym, do me a favour and promise me you'll try it out? I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I ended up in tears after my first week of working out in public. I look back on it now and realize that it was entirely in my head, but getting past that fear is one of the hardest (and most rewarding) things I've done in my life.

    To share the trick I used, promise yourself a reward after ten (or even five) sessions. Something nice that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself. I used stickers on a calendar, and it didn't matter when I went or how many days in a row I hit - I just had to do it. The more I went, the faster I'd get to my reward. Any little motivational trick you can use is a good thing, because the truth is that raw motivation doesn't really exist. Sometimes, even when it's habit, you have to fake it or trick yourself into it, or just stubbornly push through. In the end, it's always your choice - it's that simple.

    Good luck, and I know you can do it. Post a status update here when you get that workout in!
    2815 days ago
  • TONYA43
    Oh my gosh! I could have written this same blog about 6 or 7 months ago. I too came to the realization that I was not doing this for me at all, it was other people I was trying to please.

    Toni is right, if that's what it takes to get the job done, use it!!! But know in the end it will all be for YOU because YOU are worth it!!!!
    2816 days ago
  • MOM2FAT1
    Use any reason you can find to get you thrue the hump. If it is what other people think then grab hold and ride it for what its worth. At the end you will know you are the one that that did it. And that will mean more to you then what other people think.
    2816 days ago
    At least you went in there with an "I want to impress" instead of "I need to do this to make them happy with me" attitude. There's nothing wrong with a little confidence when you walk into a room. But I really like that you're working on your personal self for your personal self. I can't wait to see you at the finish line.
    2816 days ago
    Awe honey, I'm so sorry. Days like today just suck. There's no other word for it.

    You motivated yourself because you were meeting his family. You had a goal. So, give yourself another one. At this point, whatever works!!

    My motivation right now is my vacation in 2 weeks. But my long term goal is a bikini by summer 2012.
    You know you're doing this for the wrong reasons. But how good does it feel to be doing it? To know that you watched what you ate today? Or that you worked out today?

    As far as the gym, I had that problem. I was sure that everyone in there was staring at me and internally laughing at my rolls, or the jiggle in my thighs. But I got to the point where I didn't care. Because I was there DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! And if they want to stare, that's okay by me. They can watch the pounds just melt away...

    2816 days ago
  • no profile photo LITTLETEALOVER
    Treat yourself like a child. Tell yourself to go to the gym just once and if you don't like it, you don't have to go back. You may hate it, but at least you'll know. You may even surprise yourself and enjoy it.

    As for caring for others' opinions, I think we all have moments like this. I'm not sure that it matters so much what your motivations are in the beginning. The important thing is that you get started. You did, and now you are aware that it is even more important to turn your focus inward. Don't downplay that! It's a huge achievement!

    Keep moving forward. I find that sometimes motivation precedes success, but sometimes it's the other way around...
    2816 days ago
    It is good that you wrote this all down. I bet it helped. I have gone through all the same thoughts. I do get motivated by events I have to go to but since I have been up and down so much, I now concentrate on my health. There are so many reasons to lose the weight for "us" that do not involve others.
    Obviously the low blood pressure and other health measurements. But how about we can free ourselves of this head trip and just get on with our lives. When I am heavy or struggling with it, how can I make room for the new and better adventures in my life. I don't go to gyms. I hate them. You can do it all at home with DVD's, stability ball, resistance bands, free weights, walking, swimming and just moving. Listen to your inner voice. If the gym is not for you find what it. And don't minimize your 1 pound a week weight loss. That means you have learned, you are on the right path, and you could be trying very hard and still not lose that. The loss doesn't stay stable through the whole process. Maybe by losing slower you will stick longer and develop the habits you need for permanent success. I think a vacation throws us all off or a stress or work, etc. If you are still in the game, you are doing good. I have gained it all back over and over only to have to lose again over and over. I will be content at maintenance along the way if it leads to permanent success. This is just my 2 cents worth. It sounds to me like you are working the plan and sure you can always kick it up a notch but if you are losing then you still are successful and on the road to where you want to be. emoticon
    2816 days ago
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