Why I'm Scared...
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
At this point in my journey I am at 297.6 lbs. Which is great, but it is really close to the 300 lb mark that I hope to never be back at again. In high school I remember being 250 or 260 and think I never want to weigh 300 lbs that was the be all end all for me. I just didn't think that it would ever happen. I knew then that I was fat and half attempts to change my ways for a day or so didn't do any real good for me.
Depression, anxiety and some very dangerous coping skills got me to get into counseling, but trying to diet while trying to fight to live another day just wasn't conducive for my mental well being, so I just stopped. I stopped trying, I stopped thinking about it until last November when the scale read 338 lbs. I was like no f*n way...how the hell did I let that happen, but it did happen and I decided come January I would make a change.
The change lasted all of about 2 months before I was on hiatus. This time around 6/17/2011 after eating two large fries, a huge BBQ western burger from Carl's JR, and a large drink and still wanting to eat my sister fries which she threw away, so I couldn't eat them...though I actually craved them even knowing that I couldn't have them and they were in the garbage. It was at this moment when I realized these types of episode couldn't continue...I couldn't continue on this way, and that very next day I recommitted my self to the journey to a healthier me.
Now I am on my way and doing fine with eating and being a hell of a lot more active than I ever was in the past...but I can't help but be afraid. AFRAID, SCARED, FRIGHTENED, ANXIOUS, NERVOUS, and all those other words that are related.
1. I am afraid to indulge in food that I know I can't eat on a regular basis and continue to succeed because what if I can't stop.
2. I am afraid to change up my workout routine, because what it the change cause me to not loose weight.
3. I am afraid to go too hard to really push because what if pushing too hard makes me want to quit all together.
4. I am afraid of hurting myself while exercising. If I got hurt I would fall out of habit of working out.
I know that some of this is logical while other parts are illogical, but I am still scared. I don't want to fail and most days I truly believe that I can succeed, but a small inner voice likes to pop up at the most inopportune times to pester me with the what ifs...
I am going to keep going hoping beyond hope that some of these fears dissipate with more success and overcoming other struggles that I come across.
I hope everyone out there is working hard towards their goals. Have a blessed rest of your week.