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Why I'm Scared...

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

At this point in my journey I am at 297.6 lbs. Which is great, but it is really close to the 300 lb mark that I hope to never be back at again. In high school I remember being 250 or 260 and think I never want to weigh 300 lbs that was the be all end all for me. I just didn't think that it would ever happen. I knew then that I was fat and half attempts to change my ways for a day or so didn't do any real good for me.

Depression, anxiety and some very dangerous coping skills got me to get into counseling, but trying to diet while trying to fight to live another day just wasn't conducive for my mental well being, so I just stopped. I stopped trying, I stopped thinking about it until last November when the scale read 338 lbs. I was like no f*n way...how the hell did I let that happen, but it did happen and I decided come January I would make a change.

The change lasted all of about 2 months before I was on hiatus. This time around 6/17/2011 after eating two large fries, a huge BBQ western burger from Carl's JR, and a large drink and still wanting to eat my sister fries which she threw away, so I couldn't eat them...though I actually craved them even knowing that I couldn't have them and they were in the garbage. It was at this moment when I realized these types of episode couldn't continue...I couldn't continue on this way, and that very next day I recommitted my self to the journey to a healthier me.

Now I am on my way and doing fine with eating and being a hell of a lot more active than I ever was in the past...but I can't help but be afraid. AFRAID, SCARED, FRIGHTENED, ANXIOUS, NERVOUS, and all those other words that are related.

1. I am afraid to indulge in food that I know I can't eat on a regular basis and continue to succeed because what if I can't stop.

2. I am afraid to change up my workout routine, because what it the change cause me to not loose weight.

3. I am afraid to go too hard to really push because what if pushing too hard makes me want to quit all together.

4. I am afraid of hurting myself while exercising. If I got hurt I would fall out of habit of working out.

I know that some of this is logical while other parts are illogical, but I am still scared. I don't want to fail and most days I truly believe that I can succeed, but a small inner voice likes to pop up at the most inopportune times to pester me with the what ifs...

I am going to keep going hoping beyond hope that some of these fears dissipate with more success and overcoming other struggles that I come across.

I hope everyone out there is working hard towards their goals. Have a blessed rest of your week.

Hill
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • VINNIELOU
    My favorite saying to tell my son is that courage is not being fearless. Courage is doing something despite our fears. (now if I could only live it.) One time he got it mixed up and told his dad he had "cabbage" at his swim lesson.

    You did a great job of calling it out. You stuck a big ol' finger in the face of fear and called it by name.
    2617 days ago
  • LILMANN
    This morning I weighed in at 297.4, and felt a lot of the same emotions that you describe. It was my birthday this weekend and my husband said he would understand if I wanted to get something "bad" only on that day. I told him that it's never "just for the day". Building habits takes practice and sacrifice. I liken my struggle with food to my brother's struggle with alcohol. He will always be an alcoholic, just right now he is mindful and in control of that. That's what I'm doing...recognizing the fear is important. Of course, it shouldn't go to an extreme, but it can be an important part of our motivation.
    2624 days ago
  • BRENSJOURNEY
    Years ago I remember going to the doctor for a cold or something at about 190 lbs. and he told me if I didn't do something about my weight I would weigh 250 lbs. by the time I was 25, then he tried to give a weight loss pill prescription! I rolled my eyes and thought there is no way... well, here I was at 265 a couple months ago! It has definitely been a scary journey for me as well, although the specifics may be different. At the same time, it's also exciting. The fears give us something else to work toward because when you DO make it through them, it's twice as rewarding. I have seen a lot of small milestones that are meaningless to many people, but meant a lot to me...I completed exercises I didn't think I could do, I have resisted cake and chocolate bars that people have tried to practically shove down my throat (don't you hate that?) -- I didn't think I would ever be able to do those things but it's possible!!! Just take it one decision at a time...

    Those are the little things that help me along. Someone brought cookies to work (again) today and I know it's a safer choice for ME to avoid them completely, while some people may be able to have just one or two and be ok with that. Basically, for the same reason as your french fry story. I know myself well enough to know that once I have one, I'll be trying to justify having more later. So, I'll pass on them completely and go for an apple instead...then be proud of myself at the end of the day for facing that challenge and coming out ahead!

    Thinking these things through, as you have, will definitely help along the way. We have to realize what our fears are before we can begin to address them.

    Keep up the good work!!! We can do this. :)
    emoticon
    2625 days ago
  • CIYWLJOURNEY
    I could have wrote this exact same post this morning. I am scared of taking a day of from exercise because if I do I might not go back. We are in this for the long haul. Don't let your fears stop you from being what you want to be. emoticon
    2625 days ago
  • CUOGHI
    It is scarey. The what if's are the things that can stop you moving forward. As far as changing up exercise, ask a professional or check out a dedicated website.
    As for the bad food, I find it best to stay away, as I have an addictive nature, and once I start, find it hard to stop. Conquer the food before opening up to temptation! Keep going, you're doing great!
    2625 days ago
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