100-249 SparkPoints 104

Trying to get back to my goals.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

This year has seriously been the biggest challenge I think I have ever faced in terms of general survival. I had lost the internet for the last 4 months, and thus I wasn't posting. I moved in safely, but not everything went smoothly afterwards.

Balancing bills and time became very hard, and along the way Ms. Critters and I ended up falling off the exercise wagon completely. We kept saying we'd go a certain day, then reschedule. I have been paying for a Y membership for 3 months without stepping foot inside because of this stupidity. And I feel it every bill cycle. My diet also took a dive. I had friends come into town, and then a room mate move in. And.. that's where things take an even worse turn.

I had known this man for 12 years, and I needed a room mate to make rent and the rest of my bills.. so we invited him to move here from Florida. Unfortunately it was the worst decision I ended up making. He was so argumentative that I spent all my time hiding in my bedroom. I ended up making fast food decision, whatever I could just heat up quickly and then dive back into my room. I started drinking to cope with the stress of it all. My sister started to lean on me and I wasn't even doing that well standing on my own.

"Convince me" is what the room mate would say all the time, even if he agreed with my opinion on anything. He just liked "debating" all. the. time. He would also say things about my sexual affect I had on him, though he worded in such a way that it really felt quite harmless. Other times, though, I would make it very clear to him that I would not tolerate anyone trying to get between me and Ms. Critters.

About a month ago the three of us were playing a drinking game. Ms. Critters went to the bedroom and passed out.. and he and I were talking. I was very drunk, and so was he. I remember I tried to get Ms. Critters to wake up at some point because I was scared... though I really can't remember why. I went to talk to him to try and get him to sleep and told him to stay on the other side of the exercise ball ( I use mine as a chair. ), but he didn't. This is where it gets extremely strange and scary, at least for me. I was talking, and suddenly he was strangling me. I wish for the life of me.. I wish I could explain what the hell lead to it. I wasn't insulting him, I wasn't talking hitting on him. I was just rambling about life.

I've had some people tell me there's no way, that I had to have done something. But, no. I knew the man for 12 years.. I wish I knew what the hell made him snap. It would be a BIG comfort. The idea that someone I loved and trusted for so long just suddenly doing something so violent without a trigger it the most terrifying part of it for me.

It went on for a bit, when he would loosen his grip I would tell him, "You're choking me!" and then he'd choke harder again. I had my phone on me and tried to text my sister, and call Ms. Critters. I don't know why I didn't call 911, I was so drunk and so scared I just couldn't think. He started to do.. other highly inappropriate things I don't really wish to put into words at this time, while continuing to choke me. I couldn't scream for help. My phone rang and he pulled back. At the time I thought Ms. Critters had drunk dialed me back, but it turns out her voice mail called me back after I hung up. It would be very chilling later on to hear my shaking voice as I repeatedly said "Hello??" He must have thought someone could hear what was going on and it stopped, he moved away. I ran into the room by Ms. Critters.

I cried. I called friends. When Ms. Critters sobered up enough and tossed her cookies a few times we took our animals and fled to her parents house. She spent the next day fighting with him over texts, kicking him out. I went to the police and talked to them. Thanks to the text evidence they were going to arrest him.. but that would mean him being stuck in Milwaukee.. and considering I showed him everywhere I shop and hang out at.. It was too terrifying an option. I knew he didn't have enough money left to stay here, he'd back to go back to Florida. So, I cowered out. I just wanted him back across the country. I pray my decision doesn't end up hurting some other girl. I'm not proud of it.

I've lost a lot of confidence through out the past four months.. and oooh, the stress eating. I started to try and do what I did earlier this year for inspiration, read fitness and weightloss blogs.. but it would make me tear up to remember just how well I had been doing and how far I've fallen back.

I'm going to attempt the Green Smoothie Diet, and supposedly we're going to the YMCA later on today. I really want to run and hope my foot doesn't act up ( I injured it while barefoot and outside. ) I miss the feeling right after a run with numb legs and accomplishment sitting on my shoulders.
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