I will give it a try. From over 30 cigarettes a day to non-smoker, day 1

Saturday, August 06, 2011


I don't care if this sounds weird. I wrote this down in a word file as some kind of "diary" to write down what I feel and to make it easier to think about everything. Hence the writing style. It's a long read.


Friday, 5th of August

Most people on the interwebs don't know.
I have been a strong smoker since the age of 14. I'm 23 now and it's getting close to my 24th birthday, leaving me with almost 10 years of constant smoking. I never stopped, I even smoked when I was ill, when my lungs were burning and my throat was feeling like it was about to explode. I still smoked. I run, I have been riding for years, I have been swimming, I bike, I do Jillian Michaels workouts. All with smoking. Over 30 cigarettes a day. And not the light ones, of course. I love my cigarettes. I love the feeling they give me and I enjoy the smell of tobacco (mind you, not burnt tobacco or such. Just the tobacco that you can buy to build your own cigarettes out of them). I know a lot of people who smoke occasionally, who say they aren't addicted and such. I never believed that. I knew – and I know – that I am addicted. That they hold power over me.

Yesterday evening, the BF went home to sleep there instead of here. He was feeling so bad. When he is at home, he usually smokes about 3-4 cigarettes a day because he doesn't smoke in his room. In my flat, you can smoke. Meaning not only that he smokes about 15 cigarettes a day when he is here, but the smoke is everywhere. I actually don't even smell it anymore. But I can see it, I can see how yellow my walls get, how yellow my white cupboards are and how yellow everything is when I clean it. I have to clean alot. Everything gets dirty and sticky so fast. I don't notice it, but the smoke has to be everywhere. Well, to continue, he smoked here and as you might know, a side effect of too much nicotine is sweating, headache, tummy ache and such. So he went home, hoping to feel better there. He apologized a lot, but I was feeling so bad. He was feeling bad because I do what I did for almost 10 years now. I live in this flat since 2008 and ever since I have smoked inside of here. You can imagine it, right? Well, he says he doesn't bother – he is a smoker himself -, but that he is not used to being able to smoke all the time. Being allowed to. He left around 10:30 PM yesterday. At 11:00 PM, I was out for a run. The thoughts went around and around in my head.

It's noon now, at the next day. I haven't touched a cigarette since yesterday evening, 10:30 PM.
And this is why I write this, I wanna write down how I feel, so that I know it's just the nicotine being missed by my body, that it's my addiction making me feel this way. This is day 1 and I'm a non-smoker in training.

I got up at 8 AM and i put one of these patches on my left arm. The little note in the box said that I'm not allowed to sweat too much or take a shower with this on because the nicotine release could be uncontrollable then. Though, you can take it off some times and just put it back on.

10 AM - I was ready to smoke a whole package or – if not available – kill somebody. I already drank 2 huge cups of green tea and have a nonstop sugar free chewing gum rotation, meaning: tea – gum – tea – gum, etc. I still can't understand why people say they think this feeling is hunger and when they don't smoke, they eat more. It doesn't feel like hunger at all. In addition, my tummy feels like I've gotten seriously ill and my metabolism is somewhat screwed up I guess. I have a weird taste in my mouth and a headache like hell. I sweat. It's only the nicotine, I'm actually ashamed that I seem to be that addicted.

12:30 PM – next tea. Doing stressful things and not smoking is like horror. My stomach feels like there is some black hole in there and I still got that damn headache. I feel dizzy. Put the ashtray and the tobacco aside. Not sure if I chose the right intensity of those patches. They didn't have "strong" ones anymore so I went with "medium". Seems not to be enough. But I now officially made it to over 12 hours without a cigarette. I would still like to kill somebody. The weirdest thing I encounter is that my eyes hurt. Since when does this affect your eyes, seriously? I'm feeling like my body fools me. It's just the addiction talking out of me, though I wish it wouldn't scream that loud.

2 PM – I smoke the most when I play computer games. I smoke like, ye, almost nonstop then. I just played a bit League of Legends and the desire to have a smoke right away when I got the teams from hell who were just annoying as hell and stupid as a piece of paper (I apologize for all pieces of paper who feel insulted now). *sigh* Though, desire to kill somebody has changed to the desire to beat somebody up really hard. I take this as an improvement. I am still fascinated by the reactions of my mind and body.
Decided to do something useful – since the time goes by sooooo slowly – and started some laundry. Discovered that somebody destroyed a part of the machine, wasn't really amused. But it's still working. Gonna vacuum soon and go for a walk/run I guess. Just doing something. I somehow feel miserable. Everything in me is screaming for a smoke. I'm not sure if these nicotine patches do anything at all or are just a very expensive placebo. I would love to do dishes, but I have injured my palm yesterday when I cleaned the bathroom. Got stuck on an edge and thereby removed a nice piece of skin from my palm. Doesn't really hurt that much but is annoying as hell because it's my right hand and I can't really do anything with it. Soap and stuff hurt, I bought some plasters that are supposed to survive a shower but they didn't, ofc. Meh.

3:30 PM – Time is running by so slowly. I hang the laundry, I cleaned the ashtray and put it away. I did dishes which is really annoying if you don't want to get your right palm wet. So all I do takes tons of time, too, but still the time is not passing. I vacuumed my whole flat, even the ceiling and up on the cupboards. By then, I decided that is was time to finally eat something. Not doing good with the eating, still not eating enough! But, right now, I have finished my lunch. And I want a cigarette so badly! The smoke after the food, seriously, so good! I'm chewing some peppermint gum right now, doesn't go well with the food, meh. Not sure if I'm gonna make it. Still feeling awful. But I think it's not the nicotine I miss the most – as I thought before – but the habit. It's just weird not to smoke. There is something missing.

5 PM – Survived until now. Feeling like I wanna kill somebody or eat a whole chocolate cake. I made a tea instead. Told BF about the whole thing, he is proud that I'm gonna try and wants to do the same. That kinda gets me into more pressure on succeeding, right? Though, he is a lot less addicted than me.
Noticed something interesting. Went for a run after that 3:30 entry and while I run/walk etc, I don't feel the urge to have a smoke. Took the patch off because the note said not to sweat too much while having it on. Gonna put it back on when I had a shower. Though, maybe leave it off? I thought about getting rid of the need to have that habit of smoking, the habit of reaching for a cigarette every few minutes and then getting rid of the nicotine. We'll see.

7 PM – took it off. Feeling better now. Will try to get through this without the patches. Seems like some of the sick feeling was side effects from the patches. Yay.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can do it! Smoking is horrible for you and that smell....ugh.... you will start to notice how everything stinks like cigarette butts, YUCK! I didn't notice the smell until I quit.
    2454 days ago
  • 23KAIYA
    Good for you!!! I smoked for 10 years, 2 or more packs a day, quit for 5 years, started again after a loss, quit again 2 years later. For me the 3rd day with out is the worst physically. Drinking ice water with a straw actually helps, it's the biggest tool I use. I also used the gum, nicorette, the levels aren't steady like the patch, they rise and fall just as they would with a cigarette.

    Way to go!!! emoticon
    2455 days ago
    emoticon Great job going a whole day without smoking! Keep up the great work. You are well on your way to a more healthy you!

    2455 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    I'm so proud of you for making it through the day!

    I used to be a 2-pack-a-day smoker, and I'm so happy that I quit more than 5 years ago. I used nicotine lozenges and gum for more than a year. I liked the gum and lozenges because they gave my mouth something to do, and didn't make me feel nauseated like the patch.

    Here's to day 2!

    2455 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Day four smoke-free, with the help of patches and Light-Free Cigarette Substitute. I almost forgot lollipops.
    2455 days ago
    This is a really good insight. :)

    Well done on getting so far - you're doing fantastically! I am not a smoker but i have many close family members and friends who are heavy smokers, so i have a little understanding of how hard it can be.

    Congratulations on beginning. I wish you the best of luck. It'll be worth it in the end. You can do it! x
    2455 days ago
    Its so hard to quit. I've been smoke free since January, and I still get pangs. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
    The best advice I ever received regarding quitting was to own my cravings - to accept that they would happen, to acknowledge them when they do happen, and to choose a different behavior.
    Best of luck to you. Chewing gum and sucking on hard candy helped me some, but not much...
    I hope that you can find something that works for you. Its hard - but it can be done!
    2455 days ago
    I do not smoke never had never wanted to. It was because my mother and my father smoked for so many years that I detested the smell that I vowed never to smoke. My mother stopped smoking way before she died and my father gave it up cold turkey without any patches or the gum. I was proud of him and when he had passed away he had lived about 5 years without taking a smoke. I know that you can do this. My dad was 69 when he stopped smoking. He started when he was 6.
    2455 days ago
  • EDWINA172
    Please stick with it! Thanks for being brave and posting your feelings. You might be able to help someone else quit too. You can do this. If you can run, and do all of that exercise while smoking....just think of what you can accomplish without the cigarettes.
    “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”
    2455 days ago
    Today is day 12 of not smoking for me! I am 56 and have smoked since I was 14. Nicotine is a strong addictive substance, but the behavioral traits that we develop with it are very difficult to change.

    Nicotine gets out of your system in 48 hours. The behavioral traits can be and must be approached personally to be successful in the big picture of quitting smoking.

    Good luck to you!

    2455 days ago
    I know smoking is difficult to quit, but every cigarette dropped is contributing to your health and well-being. So, congratulations on already being successful. Here's to quitting!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2455 days ago
    Oh honey, both my parents smoked through more than half of my life, and they finally managed to kick the habit. My dad just gradually started smoking less and less when he met my stepmom, an avid non-smoker who'd banish him on to the balcony for his ciggy. My mom had a much, much harder time, tried quitting many times, and then quit the quitting. Finally, when she was on kur one year, she stopped. Her husband quit smoking to support her. Amazingly, neither my sis nor I have ever smoked. Kinda odd, when you think about it.

    Anyway, there are two things I really want to say about your post. One, thank you for writing this down. It's so easy to say "sure, it's hard, I get it" but the truth is, we really don't. Makes it much easier to emphasize when someone spells it out for you.

    Two, I am so proud of you for doing this, even though it IS so hard! That's one hell of a challenge! Buuut.. you know... I believe... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2455 days ago
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