A Battle In Here
Monday, August 01, 2011
Rubbish is the first word that comes to mind to describe pretty much everything at the moment.
I'm back on antidepressants- I even had to switch them as the ones I use to take just were not working at all. My sleep is... interesting. It's gotten a tiny bit better with the meds, but I honestly cannot go to bed at night (no matter how long or short my day is) without the help of sleeping pills right now- not if I want to fall asleep before 1 or 2AM and sleep the whole night. It's awful and I hate it. I only started dreaming again last week, thanks to the new medication.
Big factors on for the depression? This job (less than three weeks left on my contract) has been a total drain on me as a person. It's not a positive or supportive environment, or even an organized one. I've never had so much trouble at a job before. I'm always that annoying person who exceeds expectations, was always dreadfully helpful, and super responsible. Even at the jobs I didn't like at all, I was still good at them. I honestly cannot pinpoint what has happened here. I'm not a part of a team? Different communication styles? I even wonder if I'm making stuff up! Like, this was a six month contract, so why would she put any effort into me as an employee? There was no good information on my job description either, or the programs I was working with, and while I was there to do things for her, I never felt I ever really understood the whole picture. I *hate* that this sounds like I'm pushing it all on her, but I genuinely cannot grasp what happened here, and now my self-confidence has been eroded a great deal from by experience. Now I'm going to have to fluff myself up and try and get a "real" job. Fantastic!
I'm also dreadfully lonely. There are days where I literally have no conversation. For an extrovert, that is AWFUL. Now, I do talk to people online, and I love my internet friends to bits and pieces. But when you need a hug and a sympathetic (physical!) ear to listen... I don't have one. Nick is always working his little heart out, and there are people I know would listen but... geez, it just hurts more. "Let's get (insert meal or snack) together soon!" and.... then, nothing. Yes, you don't have to remind me people are busy, but honestly, how many times do you have to be rejected or ignored before you starting wondering if there is something massively wrong with you? And heaven forbid anyone want to spend time around me. I think I'd die if someone asked ME to have coffee.
I did go swimming a bit last week, and the gym a couple times. Planning to repeat that again this week. Eating hasn't been great, but I seriously need to lose weight. I loathe the way I look, and there are so many clothes in my closet that just do not fit. I just want to be healthy, I'm not obsessed with looking like a model or something, but I don't feel well- on so many levels. I'm not being the best me I know I can be.
Even my little escape into writing is impossible right now. I haven't updated my current story in nearly two months. I'm not even dreaming at night, how am I suppose to imagine a story and be able to write it down?
So to summarize once more, rubbish.