I have a screwed up self-perception (warning: venting)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I lost 10 lbs since my last birthday (my birthday is for the next few hours, whoo hoo! Being on Wed is kinda sad, though). I should be done, happy with where I am. Parents are kinda worried if I lose more weight, and strangers have called me "little". But I'm a girl, and I can't be happy, always nitpicking! Little flab here, little bulge there, get rid of this saddle bag here. But at 5'4" and 120 lbs, I'm pretty much on the lower end of the BMI chart, and this is WITH visible muscles in the arms and legs.

I love my mom, and how brutally honest she is. But growing up, I always heard about how Indian women are soooo skinny, and had A-cups (I have D...ever since I lost weight I gained a cup size...no one told me this!). My cousin and cousin in law are all rail thin, and when I visit the in India, I always feel so fat. I can't really buy street clothes that often, since I'm not built like they all are. I hear about how my mom was soooo skinny, and I have her old sari tops, and I can't get my hands through them because my biceps bulge out, so we have to let them out.

But...I'm NORMAL. I'M HEALTHY. I KNOW THIS! I'm not skinny fat, I'm athletically built. But...I'm also scared of turning into my mom, who gained 60 lbs after having me, and never lost it, and is still trying to lose it. I'm scared of her constant struggle, because if she caught it early, it wouldn't be so bad as it is now. I want to be the skinny fat people, who don't have any muscle, who, if attacked in a back alley, will be murdered, but I can fight. But...I want to be skinny. I want to be tiny. I want to be the dainty one. I LOVE weight training, but that stays on the mat. (Just so there's no misconceptions, my mom admitted that back in the day there was no muscle, and she says that I'm perfect the way I am now...awwwwwww. She's trying to undo some damage...something to keep in mind if you have kids, though, since weight struggles affect them also.)

It's just hard to undo years of my dad telling me to "be a good eater" or having an anorexic aunt constantly comment about our weight, or worrying about gaining weight like my mom, or seeing on tv ultra-skinny people who are walking skeletons. I hate to say it, but I am affected by the media. I see a Crystal Geyser commercial, and I want water. Strong isn't celebrated, weak is. Strong is ridiculed, skinny is healthy, and normal is fat.

My AP Euro teacher once made a comment: eat healthfully most of the time, exercise and be active daily, and be happy with how you turn out. He didn't say it to me, I forgot the context he said it, and I brushed it off at the time before I became a health nut. But somehow, it stuck with me. I try to live this way. I think it's pretty much the best health advice you can give to anyone, period. And I'm trying to live this way, with 1 vigorous hour of exercise, and some daily activity.

Hopefully, this time next year, instead off noticing I dropped 10 lbs, I'll just celebrate deadlifting my weight or doing a full body pullup (yea, still haven't mastered that yet). Men celebrate 1-armed pushups, benching their weight, deadlifting their weight, pistol squatting. I hope that I'll be celebrating that, instead of trying to be skinny.


ps My sister made a vegan cake for me, delish. Vegweb has some weird recipes on it (avocado chocolate pudding?), but the chocolate cake recipe came out great. Funny, though, every time we bake, EVERYONE, including the cook, is more excited about the fruit. Cake was good, but EVERYONE had seconds on the blueberries and strawberries. Blueberries are on sale at Ralphs this week, ya'll! And they're flavorful...hop to it!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    120 is on the lower side for your height and if you get any thinner you might be unhealthy. I think if you are afraid of gaining weight and it getting out of control, weight yourself monthly, if you gain a few pounds, manage it at that time instead of letting it go and keep gaining.

    Your outlook on life is really unhealthy. You have to be able to love you no matter what anyone says. And if a healthy weight for you is 120, well then that is the girl you should be happy with. If you dont fit into the mold, that is okay. The girls on TV, they should not be role models.

    I hope that you stay healthy and not let your obsession with your weight get out of control. Women die because they obsess and lose too much weight. You need weight on your body so that your body can function properly. If you're too thin, your body over compensates and will start stealing from your vital organs.
    2502 days ago
    i just wanted you to know you've been heard. now, that being said, it's time for you to give everyone and everything that even LOOK at you sideways, the mental "middle finger".

    that saying--the one about life being too short--well, it's allllll true!

    look at this way--beginning now until forever, if anyone asks--you're gonna be too busy being emoticon JUST the way you are to respond. how 'bout that!?
    2511 days ago
    The only person whose thinking you can change is your own. Unless you have billion dollars and can control the media that is.

    You could tally all the things it would take to fit other peoples images. Breast reduction, limp no exercise body.

    Doesn't sound like any of the options you listed would really make you happy.
    I'm a AA. I could have augmentation. But for who?

    Rock on in the body you have. No matter it's condition. Enjoy it, If it becomes unhealthy, move towards health
    2522 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.