Tuesday, July 26, 2011
First....thank you so much to those that had kind things to say about my physical self in the last entry. :) I really appreciate it.
Living with Cyndi, and seeing myself daily as we both do...we don't see any changes.
I've taken pictures of "progress", I've done measurements of my neck, bust, waist, hips, thigh and upper arm. I weigh in....
And none of those things are really changing. My weight is going down...thank GOD... because nothing else is really changing.
I know..I know...muscle. Everyone always says that but then everyone also says that they see the inches just "come off!" and they get to change into smaller size clothes...me? Not so much.
I have lost an inch...maybe inch and a half off my waist and an inch of my bum, bust and arm. Nothing off my thigh at all.
It's...really hard to keep it up and feel like any of this is worth it at all.
I can feel the change in how much I can work out, how far I can jog before becoming winded, my choices in foods now, how much food I eat...so there ARE changes....it's just SO FRUSTRATING!
I'm on Spark here and I read people who are having great success and I'm truly, sincerely excited and happy for them! I wish them no ill will at all. Not by a long shot because I REALLY understand how difficult it can be but...Good god!! I really wish it wasn't SO difficult for me. I don't understand why the weight isn't coming off.
I'm stuck right now at 209 and it's making me angry. Plateau's are so difficult just in general and I know that's what's going on...and logically I know it'll break through....but I feel like I just haven't gotten a break in this weight loss crap just in general.
I fit in the same shirts, same pants (though slightly looser...admittedly..) same bra...same everything! Just now...I've got quite a bit more muscle so all my flab has come to the surface and I feel jiggly everywhere making me more self conscious if that's even POSSIBLE.
I was on track to hit my first goal of 195lbs at the end of Aug and I don't know that I'll hit that goal by that time now. I know that I WILL GET there...but I don't know when or how.
I even dropped my calorie intake below 1500 calories yesterday thinking I needed to get stricter in order to see the loss again....nope. That didn't matter at all.
I would just really like this not to still be so freaking hard.
I've been actively making changes for over three months now. Written...that doesn't sound like that much...but it FEELS like forever! In that time (not counting what I lost prior to this time frame) I've lost 12lbs. That's it.
I was on track while I was working....even though I was forever hungry at work. I'm not hungry now that I'm not working....so at least there's that.
We went to Portland and just...the damage was done. The stress of my dad...Cyndi's surgery...fibro attack from having just even gone on the trip...I came home...and hit that 209. What pisses me off is that I WAS down to 206 and I was just so proud and had worked so hard...and I figured, ok, no problem, I'll get back down to 206 and even further in no time. I was there just a week ago, so no problem. Yea...problem. STUCK! That's the problem.
My motivation to work out, eat right or even sew is just like...gone. All I want to do is play pop it on my Ipod.
In better less whinny news...so far I'm doing pretty good with my water today (somehow that'd gone out the window too...I was up to 12 glasses of water EASILY...now I"m struggling to drink 6. Lame!) my calories have been awesome, lunch was a huge, fantastic salad with wonderful variety from our garden mainly. And I'm gonna go get on the elliptical and follow that with some quick kettlebell after this entry. I think I'm going to shoot for less excersize and see if that helps me any. I think I'm just packing on too much muscle. I don't really WANT to be super musclar...I want to be tone....maybe even really tone and visibly so...but not like..hulk or anything ridiculous.
Ok. I can do this. Perhaps now that I've gotten this negativity out...I can let it go, it can be gone, and I can get back to losing for real. This...being stuck business just...no. It won't do. I won't have it.
I don't have a "end weight" goal. I don't know what is going to be the healthiest weight for me to be. I picked 195lbs as a "first goal" because I was reasonably sure that wouldn't be a healthy "end weight" for me. Medical recommendation for my height is 129-169 and there's not a CHANCE that I will look good or ever see under 145. I know that. I've been that weight before...but it was before my hips fully settled in and so I had a smaller frame overall. I was a teen, not an adult. I think that would be unhealthy. Considering how much muscle I put on and just how heavy a frame I have...I think I might even end up around 180 and still be perfectly healthy. Can't know...really.
Problem is...my perceptions of self are still pretty wildly off. There are some times here and there that I look at myself and start to kinda feel like I've made some visible changes, and that I'm looking ok....but majority of the time I"m not feeling so great. I've got time before I'm at a healthy place mentally or physically. I just don't want to be one of those people that never ever sees themselves as pretty/healthy/fit...whatever. My BIL is like that. He was "chubby" (though I never ever saw him as such) and he clearly still has body issues over it. He's never satisfied, never happy, never strong enough, fast enough...whatever. Anytime he sees old pictures of himself he's VERY quick to point out that "oh god...that's when I was FAT"...and my sister (his wife) is similar in nature to him. Just never happy with themselves and I worry for my nephew and neice and what they're going to be dealing with body wise. I just don't want that to be me. Healthy...health is what I'm looking for.