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Confession Time (**WARNING** departure from rainbows and unicorns)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

* I have been struggling for the past several days with my moods again. The bitchtastic control freak in me is bursting at the seams over things not really in my control, but which I feel *should* be in my control.

* I am S~T~R~E~S~S~I~N~G over many things and that is not helping.

* I am doubting myself and my abilities, for the first time in months.

* I am starting to convince myself that I will never be able to run 3.1 miles without stopping...at least until I'm not so heavy.

* I am letting all those little voices creep back into my head saying "I can't do it".

* I completed W1D1 of Ease Into 10K last night, because quite frankly, I need to have structure in order to make myself go run. It's 12 million degrees here right now, so I had to do it on the dreadmill. *barf* I despise the dreadmill, and those 3 minute running intervals seemed a whole lot harder than they should've been.

* I hate running. Seriously. It bores me to death.

* I ate Chinese for dinner last night. It was good.

* I was saved from eating donuts this morning only because the convenience store in my building could only take cash, and I never have cash. I ate Frosted Mini-Wheats instead. Say what you want - 9g of fiber for breakfast is pretty darn good.

* I've been reading stories from everyone on how they are running the 5K distance 3 times/week since graduating C25K and feeling sorry for myself because I *still* haven't made that distance.

* I'm having issues with a medical problem I've had since having my son which tends to flare up with exercise. Of course, because I have to have something ELSE negative to equate with exercise.

* I'm mad at myself because I've been able to keep all of this negativity to a minimum over the past couple of months, and now it's back in full force.

Sooooo....to the fat chick in my head who keeps telling me I can't do it...SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP. I CAN do it. I AM doing it. I don't care if you try to sit on me. I'm strong, and I can kick your butt.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Congrats on all the progress you have made! I don't run at all, but am gathering motivation to try from all the wonderful blogs on spark.

    Isn't it weird how the worst member on our support team can be our own minds??? One of the replies to this blog said they didn't blog when they were feeling like this. I can see the value of that, but can also see the other side, too. I've had LOTS of very low lows, and it is so comforting to re-read what I've written during those times, with the perspective of my normal frame of mind. I always say, "How could I have thought that ____ was so important? How could I have beat myself up like that? How could I lose sight of all the great blessings and only see the yuck?" Going through this exercise (comparing the lows to the reality) several times has helped me to talk myself through subsequent lows.

    This too shall pass, we just need to keep plugging along on what really matters until our heads get back in the game.

    2456 days ago
    Ok, I'm onto week 7 of C25K and am just about running 25 minutes at a time. By 'run' I do of course mean 'jog'. So I just about cover 3km which is only 1.86 miles and I don't know how long it would take me to jog for 5k! So for now, I'm focusing on just being able to keep my legs moving for the required length of time. Once that becomes easy (dear god it better become easy!) I'm going to work on speed until I'm as fast as my brothers who are HALF my age. (Impending 30th birthday approaching, freaking me out!)

    In summary: you'te doing awesome and we all need a stress sometimes!
    2463 days ago
  • LLTS01
    We all go thorough these ups and downs. I have just stopped blogging about it because I get so mad at myself just like you do. Hang in there. We all snap out of it again too.

    2463 days ago
    Keep at it, you're doing this to be a healthier you, and if you go through a valley here and there, call out the tow truck and keep on truckin big stomper! emoticon
    2466 days ago
  • LINDAJ0621
    You sound strong...beat the fat chick up!!!! Seriously, we all go through that. You can do it....just keep on trying!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2466 days ago
    Workout Girl is freakishly amazing, and you are Workout Girl!!!
    2466 days ago
    Great blog... sometimes, you just have to let it out, because you're right... it's not all rainbows and unicorns and glitter.

    One of the trickiest things about a weight loss and fitness community is that it *does* put a focus on how everyone else around you is doing and it can be intimidating when you start comparing. So the biggest advice that I can give is to just keep looking at the changes that you see in yourself. If you hate running, then... don't run! Find something different - maybe cycling is for you.

    But I know how you feel, too. I completed a C25k class with my gym back in 2009. I ran my 1st 5k in 35:39, which isn't too bad - especially since I was in my late 30's. And then I had an injury. And then I got bronchitis. And then I took a break because of my wedding. When I tried training again, I was having pain here and there. Last fall, I had to bail from 1st anniversary Turkey Trot because of the pain. I watch my friends who were training for 5k at the same time or who were just slightly ahead of me - and many of them are so far ahead of me now. I feel great for them, but crummy for me - especially since I'm sidelined indefinitely now. But you know what? I need to start looking at my own progress instead of falling into the comparison trap.

    Hang in there - you'll get through this! Just keep looking at yourself, instead of everybody else.
    2466 days ago
    I think that so many of us can relate to everything you've written. I had to drag myself out of bed for my walk this morning, as I've had to for weeks now, even though I was so excited at the begining. That happens. What's important is to feel it, accept that's how you feel, and move through it. Don't let yourself stop in the middle of the process. You can do this!
    2466 days ago
    Great confession. I am in the same boat in many areas. Have not run 3.1 miles in many many days. Can't find the time to workout right now. I want to and need to. I have been saved from eating bad. Amazing how that works some times. I need some positive energy. If I send some your way will you send some back too? ~~~)))~~~)))
    2466 days ago
  • HOLLY1977
    Girl ... remember what you told me when I hit my wall! You can do this! You are just in a spot that made you revert back to feeling comfortable in your "fat" skin :(

    Don't "hate" the dreadmill! Hate the heat, cause you know if it wasn't so hot outside, you would be out there running that 5K already!

    I think our biggest problems are we keep trying to change what we cannot change :) It's hard not to try, but we've got to stop! We have to change what we can, when we can!

    Dust yourself off, and remember what it was that made you want to start the C25K in the first place! Find that inner spot again, and bridge it over to EI10K :)

    We are here for you!
    2466 days ago
  • LJHST5
    I'm laughing but not because I'm judging you, but because I think we have all been where you are! Many times :) And it feels like such a huge confessions, like we're different and so f*cked up. But really it's just part of the whole journey. You ARE awesome. And you CAN do it. And this too shall pass. If it makes you feel better, I ate McDonalds last night at 1:30am - and I like it emoticon
    2467 days ago
  • MOM2FAT1
    Smack the fat chick and tell her to shut the f*** up the new Tiff is in control now.
    2467 days ago
    I think everyone goes through times like this. Nothing we do seems to be working the way we want and we interpret all arrows to be pointing towards the perfect reason to quit sign. The important step is to IGNORE all the bad thoughts, force them out of your head and make yourself think of all the good you are doing. Comparing yourself to anyone else does nothing but bring you down. Compare yourself to how you were a month or even 2 months ago. You will get to your goals as long as you keep your eyes on the prize and not the obstacles. I think maybe you are just mad at running right now and don't necessarily hate it. Go for your goal of the 5k and once that is accomplished, if you can honestly say you still don't like running find another sport to take up, immediately. I have a very strong feeling you will find that you do love to run though. It's pretty addictive.
    Most importantly, hang in there and tell the fat chick to stuff it!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2467 days ago
  • MRSN1608
    Hun I can see you are a fantastic person from what I have read on here and you are so inspiring. We all go through this I have been down this road recently for the millionth time...I mentioned you in my blog today because you were partly the reason I pulled myself out of it emoticon reading your blogs and seeing that pic of you so proud of yourself really motivated me. This is just a a tiny part of your journey and you will get through it, keep going hun we are all here for you!

    emoticon emoticon
    2467 days ago
    I go through the same things..you're definitely not alone. You CAN do it!!! emoticon
    2467 days ago
    I LOVE that coffee mug.

    "No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch."

    It's okay to struggle and not be excited and happy all the time. Life happens. But that's why you joined a community, so you could have support, so don't hide away when you're struggling. Let us know. Always. Share your struggles with us so the weight isn't so heavy on your shoulders.

    You're powering through, and that's a very good thing. Keep at it. You absolutely can do it.
    2467 days ago
    I swear we are twins seperated at birth - I've been going through the exact same stuff lately. I only get out for a walk/run because I'm terrified of what will happen to what little steam I have left if I don't. I decided to change what I look at and how I feel - I quit tracking my food (NOT a popular option or apparently blog post) and started trying to only eat good whole foods - whoooo veggies 2-3x per day makes for some um rumbly stuff going on in the tummy area if ya know what I mean! Trying to relearn how to listen to my body, trying just to get through each day and not worry about tomorrow, focusing more on being a positive force to others and helping others than what my scale says (the number on my scale does not define who I am as a person). Starting to leave Operation Beautiful notes for strangers and positive posts on facebook to encourage other people which in turn makes me feel good. Ignoring the not so positive people who don't want to feel good. And trying to not focus on the terrified feeling I have right now going into the last stretch of getting our foster parent license.
    Point being is that I've decided to become a positive force and the feeling I get from being positive is better than any I've ever had fretting over a number on the scale. If I am positive and do positive things for others and myself the scale will go down. I luv ya and your doing great!
    2467 days ago
  • SHANNJ77
    emoticon I'm feeling majorly stressed and b!tc#tastic here too. It happens to the best of us. We'll get through it and come out the other side better than ever! emoticon
    2467 days ago
    You are doing great. Remember that you are you and as much as I have a hard time doing it too we can't compare ourselves to others. Sometimes when I look at someone who has lost 40 lbs and I think DAMN they look great. How is it that I have lost 40lbs and no one has noticed?! Even after running for months there are days I go out and struggle to run ONE mile! We all have our days and our moments. You are not alone. The difference is now you are here and we all have each other. Like GREENEYEDRUNNER said...we are here to help. By blogging about it you got it out there and since right now is a hard time for you to lift yourself out of the funk WE, your spark buddies, we are lifting you girl! Lifting you right out of that funk, and we are patting your back and we talk WAY louder than that girl in your head! Can you hear us? "you can" "you can" "you can".....can you feel us lifting you up? I got my arms around you and YOU are going to get through this!!!! emoticon
    2467 days ago
    I get it! I go through those spells every few months. You're doing so great, and one thing gets to you and then it feels like everything gets messed up! You'll get past this, just hold on tight! *HUGS*
    2467 days ago
  • CAALAN23
    Do you truly hate running? Or is that the mood talkin? If you hate it, don't do it, find something else.

    Good for you for telling that mood to stick it! You can do this, it's just one of those times where it all feels harder than it should and goodness knows sometimes Life kicks you in the teeth while you're smilin'.

    One thing to be proud of is that you recognize this part, you see it and are calling it out instead of giving up. That's hard all by itself. Good for you.

    2467 days ago
  • KSPED75
    I have been having a pity party for myself for quite some time now too. Our stinking thinking gets in our way of us being the best we can be. This is the perfect place to vent instead of onto those we love. Let it out!! Stay strong, you're not alone!
    2467 days ago
    Take a deep breath and remember that you are human. We all have ups and downs on this journey, great moments of self-control and lots of exercise and other moments of hardly any self-control and not a lot of exercise. You are a wonderful, strong woman who needs to tell the voices to SHUT UP (easier said then done, I let the voices talk me out of a 5k last year that I had already signed up for, those voices are also responsible for talking me out of working out when I should have). Remember you are on this journey with others and we are here to help you!! BIG HUGS!!!!
    2467 days ago
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