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And Then That Happened...

Friday, July 15, 2011

To all of my new Sparkfriends (and to those of you who have been with me since the start) - I am not perfect. I know sometimes I write things that might make you think I have this whole thing figured out, like there's no stopping me, and like I might have knowledge of that special something that you don't, but last night was a perfect example of me, struggling, right alongside everyone else here.

After I wrote my blog last night, I did go home and enjoy a lovely evening on my own. I did everything I said I was going to - read my book, watched tv, gave my toes a pedicure and went to bed early. Well - almost everything. That nice dinner that I was going to make? I settled for a big caesar salad instead because I could make it fast and I was hungry. But wait? Was I hungry yet? No, not really. But that didn't stop me from eating almost an entire container of corn nuts that were sitting on my counter while I was prepping the salad. Nor did it stop me from eating TWO ice cream cups after my salad. It also didn't stop me from going back to the fridge/cupboard all night long, consuming countless numbers of calories on fresh salsa and chips, chocolate cheerios, and marshmallows. Yep - I had a full on, bust out, BINGE last night. Something I haven't done in a while, but still that all-to-familiar feeling of being totally in, yet totally out of control.

I went in to last night with some really good intentions. But perhaps those intentions came just a little too late. I knew I needed some me time - but because I held off on getting that me time until I literally CRAVED it, my binge mentality came back to bite me on the very night that I was finally doing something for myself. Maybe I just haven't separated the "doing something for myself" actions from the binge actions - since technically they are fulfilling the same need. There are also some physiological reasons for it - TOM is due today, and he always brings with him a torrent of bad behaviour.

Anyway - it happened. Whoops.

I carried on with my night, had a really great sleep and woke up this morning with a plan. I just came back from an AMAZING 5.5 mile run (probably amazing because I was WELL fueled, but there you have it). I've had my Peanut Butter & Chocolate Shake for breakfast. Dinner is in the crockpot. Lunch is packed. Today is going to be a GOOD day.

But today is also another Sparkversary for me. I took my measurements this morning and stood on the scale. Though there has been a slight change this month, it's not what I had hoped for. In the 4 months since my One Year Sparkversary I have lost 15 pounds. But thinking back to a year ago, I was down over 30 by this point. Am I disappointed? Maybe a little. But I'm still down. I still weight less now than I did 4 months ago. And really - I honestly can't expect to lose the second hundred as fast as the first hundred came off. So I'm choosing to look at it this way:

115 pounds ago (at 313 pounds) I was not living. I needed to lose 100 pounds just to get my life back. Now at 198 pounds, I have found my life. But REALLY living my life is going to mean slower weight loss. There is just so much going on to live for right now and it doesn't all revolve around losing weight 24/7. The first hundred pounds was about getting to where I am now. The second hundred pounds is going to be about setting myself up for the long haul. And knowing that when I get to my goal it isn't just arriving at the edge of a cliff that I then need to jump off to get to the valley of maintenance. I'm taking the long way down. Even if it takes me another 3 years. I will reach that valley.

But I'm struggling right now. Living life fully AND losing weight is hard work. I just have to keep the faith that I am doing this right. And if I just keep doing what I am doing (less the crazy binging) I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT. Last night was not so much a set-back as a realization of where I am right now, in the present, and what I need to do to keep pushing for my future. So I'm admitting that this is hard for me right now, but that I have what it takes within me to get through this and to find that balance again.

I am not perfect. But I am DAMNED determined. And maybe THAT'S the secret after all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I don't know about you, but if I get in one of those 'binge-y' moods, it always means TOM is around the corner. All you can do is try to have the self awareness to see what's happening when you're in the middle of it and redirect it to better choices. It's something we have to deal with once a month for many years to come, unfortunately.

    I can't wait to be where you are. It's a journey, not a destination.
    2437 days ago
    "The first hundred pounds was about getting to where I am now. The second hundred pounds is going to be about setting myself up for the long haul."



    Yes, I do.
    2437 days ago
    I think the biggest sign of progress is the ability to forgive yourself and not let one night of binging derail you!! We all have those moments where we are eating to eat....not because we are hungry per se, and a lot of the times not even because it tastes especially good. Just because we feel like eating. I used to do that, then I would feel like crap and I would get all down on myself and even think of making myself throw up (never could do that though, thankfully). But the fact that you can move on without too much regret, recognizing a slip as a minor bump in the journey you are on, shows how much you have learned and how far you have come. Congrats! As always, I love your insight. Keep up the good work!
    2458 days ago
    No one is perfect. We all make bad decisions from time to time. The trick is to see them and prevent it from happening again. During the weeks on SP I noticed a bad behaviour I have. I graze, I don't eat because I am hungry I eat because I need to fill my time. So I recognize the going back and forth to the cupboard /fridge not to fill my stomach or crave the hunger, but to have something to do. I has been easier as I am often working from home, but I am aware of it and I work on it.
    Confucius says: Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. I think that fits rather well, to not allow to be kept down is our greatest strength.
    2464 days ago
    Yup, determination will carry you through when nothing else does. Setbacks and bad behavior happen to all of us; you just have to do exactly what you did: start over fresh the next day and get right back to it.

    I know what you mean about the second half of the weight coming off slower than the first half. I did not lose the first 30 pounds quickly, but now I am losing at a painfully slow pace. Ugh. But... But I'm losing inches and gaining both strength and stamina, so I'm accepting the plateau. Sometimes you have to adjust how you measure progress. I'd lose my mind if the scale were the only thing that's important to me. You're doing a great job with that!
    2465 days ago
    Thats what Sparkpeeps are for! We have your back and just log on and we are here for you! You are awesome! You are making life long healthy changes. Life is full of side steps. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....we love Finding Nemo over here :).
    2465 days ago
    You are doing great. All of us have moments where we slip and binge. Keep up the good work.
    2468 days ago
    Keep that DETERMINATION and you will be a SUCCESS, my friend. Good Luck!!!
    2468 days ago
    Love this because it is all too true!!
    2469 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    I really think they need a "LOVE IT" button on the blogs--but I clicked "I Liked This Blog" hardcore.
    2469 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    OH yes, being determined and committed to, as Ive said before.... not killing yourself slowly with food.... its more important than attaining perfection, which is impossible.
    2469 days ago
  • RAD062010
    Weebles wobble and we all fall down.

    The thing that separates the sparkers from the non-sparkers, is that motivation, that drive, that spark to get right back up again.

    2469 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/16/2011 12:53:44 PM
    I love this! I'm not perfect but I am determined... that should be in Nike ads.
    2470 days ago
    You are very intuitive and determined. And even more important, you have a great attitude. With these tools you will get where you want to go, I am sure of it!
    2470 days ago
    Determination will take you a LONG way! It's probably the best characteristic you could bring to the weight loss table. You will win the battle of the remaining weight and end up in the valley of maintenance. And the journey will teach you lessons that will make living in the valley a reality. Thank you for all your encouragement! I hope you have a TERRIFIC weekend! Enjoy! Celebrate your blessings! Spark on! emoticon
    2470 days ago
    Well just to let you know, I am a official fan of yours now!!! I hadn't been on spark for a long time, and have hit my heaviest, which is a all time low. Your 1st blog I read is your 100+ benefits of losing the weight, thanks again for sharing! I dream of onederland.......
    2470 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    2470 days ago
    You've been going pretty hard for a long time. You were bound to hit the wall sometime. The big difference is that you are determined and you will pick yourself up, learn from it and carry on. Losing weight would be easy if life didn't keep interfering! I'm suffering through some slow times right now too. I'm just grateful that I'm managing to maintain my losses so far. I need to re-evaluate and adjust my attack on fat. Thanks for sharing. It's so nice to know we are not alone in our struggles. Have a great weekend.
    2470 days ago
    TOM is a wicked time of the month, makes us do terrible things *lol* but we're women ! You are not alone, because TOM is looking also all week I have felt insatisfied, tired and well, cranky. Craving chocolate, salt, crunchy, name it I want it.

    For losing weight, you are down and that is what counts. Just keep it up and you will get to your goal. Look at what you have accomplished !!!!
    2470 days ago
    The important thing is that you picked up and came back right away - great job!!
    2470 days ago
    great job on the 100 pounds girlie that is amazing :) you know what it takes you have already lost a HUGE amount and your right no one is perfect :) keep you head up emoticon
    2470 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Congrats on 100+ lost. Losing the second part is never easy however to maintain and do more can be just as satisfying.

    I lost 60 pounds 6 years ago and have maintained it since. The scale does not go down often, however through eating right, strength training, cardio and positive self image and more I am still losing inches. There are so many ways to measure success.

    I dont mind the scale staying put because I am not going up, havent increased my weight but buy buidling the muscle I have and do I am slowing down my muscle lose and building stronger bones and with resent health discoveries regarding my family these are both important. Not just because I am a woman but heredity. There are things my mom, God love her has gone through that I dont desire too so I keep pushing it.

    keep up the good work!
    2470 days ago
    Losing weight does take an incredible amount of dedication!! It's hard to have so much going on and be able to dedicate time to losing it very quickly. You are moving in the right direction and you are healthy and enjoying life... that's WAAAAY better. It's good that you owned up to last night and were able to reflect about WHY you did that. You still have that leftover tendency to binge to be able to relax and enjoy yourself for an evening (me too!) that's a tough one to shake. But you got right back up and at it today and you should be proud. It's about progress, not perfection :)
    2470 days ago
    Be kind and gentle with yourself. It is not about perfection but rather awareness. Two steps forward, one step back. It will get easier and easier and the binging will become something of the past. good job picking yourself up and dusting yourself off! The work you are doing is amazing.
    2470 days ago
    You are 100% a determined chick! Keep up your walking/running/strength training andENJOY life at thesame time. It's that balancing act thats hard to figure out. Good luck and thank you for being so open!
    2470 days ago
    Jenn!!! emoticon emoticon You are human after all! Seriously, sometimes binges happen. Especially around TOM. TOm does crazy things to a girl, I know. Jenn, do you know how amazing you are? Really? Truly? You are. You are so honest with all of us, you show us EXACTLY what it is like to walk this journey (well, run it in your case) and as you are working through whatever situation you might be going through, you are helping us work through our stuff, too. I am so proud of you for starting today anew, with an amazing run, and a stash of good food. Lots of people might let last night get them down today. Not you. Lots of people would have slept in instead of going for that run. Not you. I KNOW that you will reach your goals and then some. You are a treasure, and you've lost over 100 lbs, the weight isn't going to come off as quickly. Tread gently. The finish line is right around the corner.

    "Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. " ~
    Og Mandino
    2470 days ago
    things like that happen and it's ok, see what kind of insight it gave you! Keep up the AMAZING work!!
    2470 days ago
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