Long Overdue Update
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Upper Arm: 12.5"
Waist-to-Hip Ratio: .90
Weight: 168lbs (-3 lbs)
Waist: 35.5" (-.5")
Hips: 39.5" (-.5")
Thigh: 27" (-0")
Upper Arm: 12.25" (-.25")
Waist-to-Hip Ratio: .90 (-.00)
I'm at the dreaded 168, and have been for about a month... It's why I didn't really bother with one of these updates for a while. For the past two years, no matter what I've done, I've never been able to get under 168lbs. Those measurements look about the same as this time last summer when I was working out twice as much and eating the same (proportionally, that is... for working out two hours a day five days a week you're going to need to eat more than when only doing one hour a day five days a week if you want to maintain energy). And of course I'm eating healthy and drinking enough water. It just sucks to see that same number on the scale each morning when friends who are half your size say you eat healthier than them and work out more than them so they're as confused as you as to why you can't lose the weight. That same evil number. 168. Staring at you.
It's not even that I want to be skinny. I don't even care about the number that much. It's what that number MEANS. It means whatever I'm doing isn't working. It means there's something wrong with my body. It means I can't be as healthy as I like. I don't buy BMI and all that crap but weight can be a good indicator for how healthy you are (assuming that a-you're exercising regularly and b-you're eating healthily, both of which I'm doing) when you can't run around a track and time your mile (not that I've ever been a good runner--and in this state, I wouldn't have the energy) or say you've dropped a dress size when it's not like anyone makes pants with consistent sizing anyway. I'm still a 14 with most jeans I've tried on recently, but I weigh 12lbs less and my measurements are smaller (I've lost 2.5" on the waist and 1.5" on the hips, for example). So I don't have much to go on other than weight, because I refuse to go by BMI.
Don't get me wrong: since May, there have been some definite improvements with my weight and measurements. 12lbs in 2.5 months is great. I'm very proud of myself for getting this far. But this is where it generally ends. At that damned 168.
Color me unenthused, I suppose.
But this year, I'm hoping it'll be different. I started the synthroid today and I'm hoping that in six weeks we'll see better numbers. I'm trying not to build this up too much, but hey, something has to give me hope. I've gotta find something to keep me going.
I think it's weird that I talk about weight so much when to be honest I don't even really care that much compared to everything else. My focus has been on getting healthy: getting more (AND BETTER) sleep, keeping my energy levels up, trying to regulate all the crazy things going on with my hormones and everything, eating even when I have no appetite (because otherwise I would probably get less than 1000 calories a day, like I did yesterday). But I can't control what my hormone levels are doing as much as I can control my weight... and not being able to control that is frustrating. I don't have the energy yet to get back into strength training like I'd like to, but I do feel myself getting a bit better as of late. I actually think about maybe joining a soccer league again, getting back into martial arts, or finding a tennis partner somewhere. I haven't daydreamed about all that in months. So maybe things are on the up and up.
I guess I'm at a conflicting part in my health journey I've been going on the past nine months. I have hope because things are changing, but I'm also jaded from the past two years that have been full of failures. I'm happy to be where I am, comparatively speaking, but I'm also completely and utterly ready to move on.