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Still at work

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I put in two hours of overtime today, and lo and behold, I'm still hanging around. Amazing, how quiet it is, sitting in the middle of an ocean of empty cubicles. Got a lot accomplished, too. Didn't think about sneaking down to the cafeteria more than about seven dozen times. Easy peasy. So easy, I'm going to do it tomorrow too.

I'd be on my way home right now, but to tell the truth, I'm relishing the peace. Chaos is not my friend. And it's been a constant in my life, in one form or another. If it's true that we choose our lives ahead of time for the lessons to be learned in them, I suspect this is the bear I need to wrestle and overcome.

Truth is, I'm a codependent. Of course, back in old days, they had much nicer labels for people like me. We were fixers. That doesn't sound so bad. We were the beloved aunties everyone brought their sad stories to, the sweet old ladies with a ready ear, shoulder, and lace-trimmed hankie. We were the parents who were there for their children no matter what, and we were the lower middle class working schlumps who invited strangers to their table because they looked hungry. Isn't heaven supposed to be made up of people like that? Yeah. Well. Guess not.

The thing about being fixers is, the people who want fixing will fix themselves, the ones who don't will resent our efforts, and then there's that woefully large group of people who recognize our fixerishness (codependency just sounds so nasty) and milk it for all it's worth. And, in the end, we're the ones who need fixing, and we just don't have any energy left for it.

Why do you suppose Sonnyboy still lives in my house at 23, without a job, without an education, and without the slightest intention of doing anything except playing Peter Pan, getting drunk, and conning me out of money? Why do you suppose I've bailed Princess out of jams time and time again, and settled her financial woes at the cost of creating my own? Why do you suppose I always wind up in the middle of arguments between the two of them, and between them and the Silver Fox too, and thereby experience three times the stress of any one of them?

Yeah, I allow it. They may be the ones who put me there, but it's only because they can.

I've got to wonder what's turned me into such a pleaser. Face it, that's what I am, at work too. Good for getting ahead and influencing people, but bad, very bad for a person's emotional health. It could be the legacy of a childhood in which I never quite measured up. It could be a subconscious attempt to keep myself safe and out of the crosshairs. Who the hell knows.

At any rate, it's doing me no good. And I don't want to run away. So I guess I've got some self-fixing to do. Again.

God isn't done with me yet, it would appear.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    My shoulder is always there for people and when my children need I am there. That is how we where raise and it isn't all bad except when you let them take total control of you and use you. Once you stop giving you can make them stand on their own 2 feet. My Mother enabled my brother to just throw his life always and depend on her. He knew she would pull him out of anything he got in and today I don't even know where he is and it is a shame. I will help but I will not support them after they are over 20 it is their turn to take care of their selves. I left home at 19 and never asked for anything my who entire life. I made my own way and when I married I still worked and helped with the home and I am better for it.

    Continue with your healthy life style. God bless you always. Learn from Spark people each day.

    Smile Joyce
    2441 days ago
    I love working early or late when few are around at the office. I can get soooo much done!
    2453 days ago
    Say hello to another fixer! I am always running interference between members of my family or not doing what I want to do for the sake of family peace. I am the same way at work, too, although there they call me a 'nurturer'.

    There is still plenty of time for both of us!
    2473 days ago
    As I said to someone else in another it the same way you would eat an bite at a time.

    The flip side of fixing/codependency is caring - if you didn't care, you wouldn't get sucked in...but you also would be a pretty dismal human being. I think that what sucks us in is feeling, in some way, responsible for the choices that other people make...

    like, so-and-so wouldn't drink if I weren't such a b*tch or she keeps hanging out with creeps because I didn't give her enough time when she was little or what-have-you -

    This kind of thinking keeps us mired in the mess. You can "think" yourself out of the mire (and free the others around you) if you refuse to be responsible for the choices they make...acknowledge your mistakes to yourself and accept yourself (because nobody is perfect or is supposed to be) because you did your best with what you could do at the time -

    I don't mean this to be a lecture - I've been there, done that, bought several different t-shirts, some multiple times - but you are the only person you can change - and when you do, you will be amazed at the changes in the people around you!

    This isn't a journey to start on alone - find some real-life companions to accompany you (clergy, therapist, support group, whatever works for you in your circumstances) - it is a difficult process but will ultimately be very rewarding - emoticon

    You are not alone, and it is not "too late".

    P.S. know that you are loved....
    2474 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/14/2011 7:14:45 AM
    Well, like anything else, I suppose this something you will have to fix one step at a time.

    I'm glad you are enjoying the peace and quiet.
    2475 days ago
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