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A Need to Find Myself Again.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I haven't posted a blog in over a year, and thought it was a good day to start again.

My weight has ballooned to all time high. I am afraid to get on the scale but the "new" fat clothes I bought a couple of months ago are beginning to to not fit.

I feel I have hit an all time new low. My house is never clean and I can't seem to get caught up with my business orders. The only thing I feel I have a handle on is taking care of my kids.

My marriage has been on the rocks for about a year now. We seem to be fighting our way back together and I am cautiously optimistic. Our 30th anniversary is in August so we have had ups and downs before but it had never been so bad as the past year.

I am ready to find myself, but I really am unsure how to go about it. My self esteem has never been lower. The fact that I recognize this problem has been no help to me. I have made a goal of telling myself everyday that I am worth something. Part of this goal will require me to believe it. That will be the hard part.

My husband is a great at sabotaging my efforts. He doesn't even understand that he does it. He likes to have a martini every night and wants me to join him. If I resist and say I am watching my calories, he says that a drink isn't the cause of my weight and it won't make a difference. I have given up fighting with him about this and struggle to fit the extra calories into my day.

That said, I want so badly to gain control over my life. I am worth it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    what im going to tell you is something you already know but are too afraid to make peace with it......youre marriage and your hubby are holding you back. and by the sounds of your story, the marriage is coming to a close and a new beginning is totally terrifying you. i can relate because i was married for 23 years to man that set out to destroy me and almost did. anytime i would start to lose weight he would bring home chips and dip(my fav) and tellthe kids "lets have pizza...but only if mom wants it..." and he would tell the kids mommys losing wieght cuz she has a bf and wants to leave us. leave him..oh yes i did..but not my kids.
    for years i had a hard time leaving the house and gave up enjoying all activities. only when my marriage ended did i start to find some life in me again...some peace. im remarried...to my childhood sweetheart and i thought that my life would just magically turn around. but it didnt. there was lots of love, but i was still so unhappy. not until i started dealing with all the garbage my ex had put in my head and dumping it and realising NONE of it was the truth, have i started to fight my way back and join the land of the living. ive been on a really mind/spiritual journey. i invite you to read my blogs about some of my journeys. it may help. i truly hope it does. the key to unlocking your happiness is in retraining your mind and getting mentally stronger. the rest will follow.
    Good luck and GOd Bless
    2474 days ago
    You are so right! You are worth it and you deserve it!!! Best of luck to you! Anything you set your mind to, you can do! emoticon
    2474 days ago
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