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Buying A Mature Womans Bathing suit

Sunday, July 10, 2011

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT



When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I wangled the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,
with or without a bathing suit!










Note: Anyone who reads this blog - who wears a single digit dress size - THIS WAS not meant for you, but I hope you got a good chuckle out of it anyway!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RETURNTOTHIN
    I know you posted this about 5 months ago, but it gave me the biggest chuckles this morning. What a great writing. but on the serious side, if you do want a good swimming suit that fits a fat body --- check out Lands End. Their swimming suits are incredible! and can be returned at any time for any reason.... :)

    2502 days ago
  • SPRINGBREEZI
    Very funny and so true. You nailed it! emoticon
    2576 days ago
  • VTMAID
    I don't know how I missed this blog before, but what a hoot! I have not bought a suit for years--don't even own one. When I do get up enough nerve to buy a suit, I hope I can come through the ordeal with your same sense of humor!
    Hugs
    Karen
    2597 days ago
  • KATHYBFIT
    This is the funniest blog I've ever read! You have a fantastic sense of humor, and a real talent for writing comedy! I laughed so hard...it was wonderful! Thank you for putting the smiles on my face today!
    And you described the bathing suit experience perfectly!
    Loved it!!! emoticon
    2612 days ago
  • POOH97015
    What a true story but good for a laugh~You ought to be a comedienne!!! This is wonderful material (no pun intended!) and made my morning.
    2633 days ago
  • FRANCIE-N-BELLA
    Thank you so much for my smiles and laughs of the day!!! You always do it!!!!
    2657 days ago
  • AMYBELLES
    Wow, when I read this I thought Erma Bombeck had come back to life. This was so funny, and what you said about the swimsuits are true!!!! I recommend that you try to get this published somehow! emoticon emoticon emoticon


    2657 days ago
  • CHALLENGER15
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    2658 days ago
  • WOMANCHEF
    I laughed so hard when I read this! Too true - love it!
    2658 days ago
  • BLUEANGELLK
    This is so funny, but so true. I found great suits at swimsuitsforall.com this year and I am thrilled with what I got. Keep swimming!! And having fun!!


    2658 days ago
  • SHARONSPARKLE
    Loved, loved, loved your blog! I think we've all been there and understood your frustration and pain, lol.

    I can't understand why every reasonable sized suit has to have a skirt - makes it difficult for my water aerobics class!
    2658 days ago
  • GARDENQE2
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    2658 days ago
  • TUBLADY
    This was the funniest blog I have read in a long time, and spot on.
    And it just isn't the mature sises that fit like that.
    I did find some really nice suits by Catalina sold at Walmarts for $32.00 that were made for mature women in mind. i have bought three of them in the past year.
    But I recently branched out to other stores and swim suit brands. One suit , the Lycra was so tight I couldn't with both hands open it up enough to get it over my hips. It was supposed to be a size 14. That's the size I ware in swim ware.
    I am not too big in the top anymore. but what i do have I don't want flattened out like a pancake.
    I think most of us more mature women buy a suit out of desperation to have something, and get out of those glaring lights they have in those dressing rooms.
    Have a great day. And be careful when waring that 2 piece suit. When i ware mine the blouse top filled up and wants to float up around my bust line. Just a warning. Smile!!
    Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2658 days ago
  • MADKAPKID
    Found your blog a day late..But, so glad I found it. It had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. I needed the giggles for today...thank you, Karen
    2658 days ago
  • VEGASLADY24
    Gail, I haven't laughed this hard in a loooong time!! I know exactly what you mean about lack of support!! Roamans & OneStopPlus.com both carry the Delta Burke line of suits. They can be pricey but are often on sale. I think searching for bathing suits is comparable to having a root canal! emoticon
    emoticon Dawn
    2659 days ago
  • PYNETREE
    Too funny....but seriously, why can't the BS designers talk to the "foundation" people, and come up with a suit where the pieces function as bathing suits should!?!
    2659 days ago
  • MARSHASTAR
    OMG it has been a LONG TIME since i laughed SO MUCH ... haaaa.
    THANK YOU for a Sunday morning chuckle that will last all week.
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    2659 days ago
  • ESILBO
    YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY GAIL...AND SO RIGHT...I AM LAUGHING NOW BUT WHEN IN THAT DRESSING ROOM IT IS TEARS THAT I HAD COME DOWN MY FACE...I WILL POST A PICTURE OF MY GIGANTIC BS ON MY PAGE SO YOU CAN SEE YOU CAN GET A DECENT ONE...THANKS FOR THAT BLOG...HUGS.. LISE
    2659 days ago
  • JAKEANDNELLIE
    I was laughing through the tears as I read this! It is so funny, but SO true!
    Stay positive!
    Sheila
    2659 days ago
  • BOOBERRY
    Love your Blog OH how true this is for years I looked for a suit and a lot of them let everything show and what they charge for so little material is awful,,, I too was born in the 50's and still can't believe that the store really can try and sell that for mature women.
    Have you tried looking at Blair ? just a thought emoticon
    2659 days ago
  • BUTEAFULL
    I had to hit the 'I like this blog' button, you are spot on how most of us feel, why don't they have a 'support can be beautiful' bra sewn into every 'MATURE' woman's suit? we need support the most, dang them manufacturers, must be run by men...
    2659 days ago
  • IOWAGRAMMA
    OMG...what a great laugh you just gave me! Especially since I was trying suits on last week. Unfortunately I came away with nothing as I never did find the one you described that you got! Anyway, thanks again, Gail. Love it!!

    Jeannie

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    2659 days ago
  • REDSHOES2011
    emoticon I am with you all the way Gail.. I love your sense of humour too.. Got laugh at stuff to keep spirits up..
    2659 days ago
  • SMACKIEFISH
    Love your humor on a very disturbing subject...lol.
    2659 days ago
  • KASEYCOFF
    You had me at 'When I was a child in the 1950s' - you'n'me both, sister, you'n'me both. Sometimes I even think girdles weren't so bad, lol...
    emoticon
    2659 days ago
  • MADYANKEE
    You were hiding and watching me buy my last bathing suit, right?
    I have been putting off buying a new one, just for these reasons,all though I lie and say well I am still losing weight and don't wnt to waste the money.
    The sad part is that I have found some that look like those 50's bathing suit but they sure don't have any support any where, so they get to look even worse when they are on the body.
    If I ever win the lottery, I want to start a fashion house for plus size women that actually show the clothes on plus size women, and want style for the mature and/or plus woman.
    Wonderful blog, loved it, laughed at it and as you can see it inspired me to talk about it.
    2659 days ago
  • ABB698
    Loved this Gail!! Too funny, as I'm sure we could all relate at some point in our lives. Thanks for the smiles! emoticon
    2659 days ago
  • SUSIEPH1
    Just loved your Blog Gail ! I am in fits of laughter ...
    I wear a bathing suit three or four time a week. fortunately for me, all my fellow bathers in the heated pool!! all look the same .. so who cares!
    I am getting my much needed exercise
    Hugs emoticon emoticon
    2659 days ago
  • MARGIEH0104
    Gail...I like your sense of humor ! Right on !
    2660 days ago
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