The Good and The Bad
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Last week I was a force to be reckoned with, this week--I'm a mess!! But I don't want to be a giant whine-bag. I've spent way, way, WAY too much of my life being a total whiner when I should have been a doer! I know that doing means improvement, even if the only person who sees it is me. Heck, the only person that HAS to see it is me. What other people see doesn't matter.
So this is me, being honest with myself. The things I've really improved on and the things I still need to work on and my plan to move forward.
1. Eating. This is confession time because it is cleansing to the soul (so the saying goes anyway.) Last week, I was a lean, mean vegetarian machine. I felt AMAZING. I lost almost 4lbs! I was so excited and so on point. Saturday came and I ate chicken. Not so bad but then I had 2 pieces of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Seriously! 2! Then Sunday, I had a bunch of frozen pizza. Then Monday it was ribs and brownies and ice cream and strawberries (but I will confess, the brownies were SO superior. My sister-in-law, Dawn, is a brownie master!) Tuesday was get the chicken out day. I have this awful habit. When a "bad" food is in the house I have to eat it out. I can't throw it away, this is wasteful. And it's not really that chicken is bad. Or that I prepared it in some bad way, it's really that there was SO much of it and in my head I had to hurry up and get it out of my house so I could go back to eating vegetarian. This is a bad, bad habit of mine. I know I do this, which is why I don't let "bad" foods come in my house if I know I cannot resist them. I've gotten to where it's really only a few things. As I've grown and my tastes have changed, I realize that I don't "need" those items and I basically taught myself that they are not the bane of my existence as I previously thought but I have my moments...
To combat this, I am going back to my vegetarian eating as of RIGHT NOW! (Well, like 6:45 this morning when I packed my lunch) If we decide to go up to the lake with my sister-in-law on Saturday, then I will make sure we pack healthy foods and snacks.
2. Exercise. I am super excellent at working out at home. But lately I've really tried to assess my level of exertion. Am I really working out as hard as I can? Or am I "doggin' it?" (As my hero, Tony Horton likes to say). Lately my mantra seems to be "Cyndi, doggin' it." Which helps me push just a little bit harder sometimes. But, I keep seeing all the runners in my group and it's inspiring. So I decided I'm going to start C25K. At first, I was going to start on Tuesday and run Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Then I thought it would be better to do the cardio on my strength days so Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I'm still trying to iron the schedule out but I need to make a decision today. To help solidify my decision, I made myself a spreadsheet yesterday with the training schedule and it has little boxes that you check for every one you complete. The only thing I didn't put in it were dates so I need to go back in and fix that.
I've decided it doesn't matter what day of the week I start as long as I push myself to do it and I do my best. There's no timeline I need to follow except my own.
3. Beating myself up. Last night I was trying to decide what to bring for breakfast, lunch and snack and I said I don't know why I'm bothering. Basically, giving up because I've done so badly this week. My husband had to kindly remind me that I'm bothering because I don't want to be fat and unhealthy. Because I want to be "skinny." I don't want to be skinny per se but that's what he said. Really, I just want to love myself. I get there a little bit everyday and some days are more work than others but I understand why I have to do it. Why I am doing the work. I keep asking myself, if my body changed but the scale never did would I still work and would I be happy? The answer is always yes. If I still weighed 225lbs but I wore a size 6 who would care that I was 220lbs? Weight is a simple measurement of gravity, that's all. I would make a weird excuse to myself that the earth's gravity must have changed because I look awesome! So I keep telling myself that even though I wear a size 20. Because eventually, I am going to be a size 16, 14, 10, 8 even and the scale will not say 225lbs but even if it did, I would be ecstatic because I've never worn a size 8 in my life!
So basically, I am still here, I am still working and pushing. I have not given up. I will not lay down and die. I am doing the best I can with what I have. Some weeks are better than others but they are all bricks to the path that leads to being healthier and happier. Right now, this particular brick looks a little funny to me. Funny colored, misshapen. But when I look back at the path I will see that this week, this brick, was exactly what I needed because it shaped the bricks that came after it and helped me get to the end of the path (which isn't really the end at all, it just leads to the road.)