My world has been rocked (and not in a good way)

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Well, I decided I just needed to get back here and get doing SOMETHING. I have had a lot of crap thrown my way in the past couple weeks, and I haven't dealt with all of it very well. But life goes on, and I have to. This blog may be long, boring, and contain too much info than you want to hear, so I'm warning you to read at your own risk.
I had hit a bad spot in my weight loss and healthy living and all the goals surrounding that. I was extremely busy doing schoolwork and working at home, and that is all I focused on.
When summer hit, by classes were completed and I was done working. I had all these dreams of spending time with my family and friends and having an awesome summer! Instead, it's been like a dark cloud came over me, and I got into a pretty deep depression. I'm on anti-depressants, so I wasn't suicidal or anything, but I was in a place where I didn't care about anything.
So, I realized I wanted to get better. One of the biggest things I knew I needed to do was talk with my friend next door. We live in a duplex. She lives in one side with her kids and we live in the other. My parents own it and live behind us. Anyway, she is a divorced mom of five. She is soooo like me it's almost scary, and I started to realize I was not being a good friend to her. I was criticizing her behind her back, about her kids and their behavior, and how they eat fast food almost every day, and how her kids eat junk and leave the garbage in our yard. Stuff like that. Basically, I had no right to criticize anything she was doing, because I was doing all the same things. Looking at her was almost like looking in a mirror at myself. I don't like myself very much. And so, it's easier to point out someone else's flaws than work on fixing your own. I started to avoid her too, because I got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at "myself" anymore. I was really starting to hate myself more because I was feeling like a horrible person. I wanted to make it right with her. So, I went over and apologized. We talked for a long time and she forgave me. But after thinking about it, she started to think about who these people were that I was talking to about her. Consequently, they were my mom and sisters. So, she blocked them from her facebook. Then I had them mad at me because they felt I threw them under the bus to make myself feel better. I guess I did in a way, not intentionally, but ended up hurting them.
It is alright between all of us now, but my friend wants to move out now when her lease is up in October. She feels like everything she does is being scrutinized. I begged her not to, and hope she doesn't. Her daughter and my daughter are best friends, and my daughter will be absolutely devestated if they move. So then I will hurt yet another person because of my actions.
I know I did the right thing by making things right and apologizing, but the consequences make me question if I should've just left well alone. Well, what's done is done, and I have to move on.
Then it seemed things just kept piling on me. A friend of mine from high school died of breast cancer a couple weeks ago. I hadn't seen her in a long time, but it was yet another thing that made me stop and think.
Then our basement flooded. It is a finished basement, so the carpeting was soaked and smelled really bad. We had to move everything around and it is still a mess down there.
Two of my friends (one really close friend) are going through bitter divorces right now too. It has been really hard to feel at peace and happy and content when so many other people are having such a bad time.
I was really struggling with all this, and wondering why I could not cope with any of it, after all, I am still soooo blessed with so much in my life, so why do I feel like I just can't handle all of this? Even when things seem to be going okay, I still have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something isn't right.
Well, I realized that is because something ISN'T right. I finally figured out what it was. I realized my husband and I have been just living like roommates for the past couple years. I've closed myself off from him because of my depression over my weight. He's closed himself off from me because he feels like he isn't a real man because he can't make me happy. He lost his job 3 years ago and has struggled finding something to provide well enough for us since. We've had sex once in the past three years. We don't touch each other, we don't hold hands, hug, kiss, nada. We go to bed at separate times and wake up at different times. He spends time with the kids on his own, I spend time with the kids on my own, and we never spend any time together, just the two of us. It's no wonder I feel alone and depressed. It's no wonder I don't work on this weight- I don't feel like he cares so why should I?
SOOOOO........ we had a long talk last night. We got it all out in the open. We both decided things need to change and we made committments to each other to work on mending our relationship.
Low self-esteem is a really selfish thing, if you really think about it. It's almost an oxymoron. I mean, I feel horrible about myself, but in doing so, I am so focused on myself, that I don't reach out to others. I don't think about their needs and wants, because I assume they don't want or need anything from me. It just pushes them farther away from me, which makes me feel more alone, more depressed, and more worthless. I need to stop that. I want to work on making these relationships stronger. And that includes a lot of my sparkfriends that I've just been blowing off in the past few weeks. I'm so sorry, and I want you all to know I want to make it right.
Thanks for listening and caring about me. All of you are such a blessing in my life!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TISHA80
    I'm so glad to see you back here. Blogging is a great way to get back into things. Writing can help you deal with things, and help you heal, too. I hate that you've had so much bad stuff going on in your life. I'm here to listen, anytime you need to talk.

    I'm sorry that your friend wants to move out, now, but you did the right thing. I hope she will realize that you were really unhappy with yourself, not her. I would just try to be the best friend that you can be to her, and if things get better, maybe she won't want to move, by the time her lease is up. If she does move, try not to beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes. It is impossible for us to be perfect. I know how hard it is when you hurt someone, especially someone you care about. If you are like me, you dwell on it for a long time. I will feel bad about things long after the person I hurt has forgotten all about them. I absolutely hate to hurt anyone. The only thing we can do, though, is to forgive ourselves and move on. It isn't good to hold on to all of that stuff. It happens, because we are way harder on ourselves than other people, though. We expect ourselves to be perfect, but expect much less of others. Why must we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect? I wish I knew the answer to that. It is something I struggle with a lot. I find that it holds me back, sometimes, too. I won't try to do something, because I think I won't be able to do it well enough. I'm getting better about that, though. I think it comes with more self-confidence.

    One of my very best friends is going through a terrible divorce. I know it's easy to get down when people you care about are struggling, but it helps them more if we are strong. My friend is not good about asking for help. She doesn't want to burden anyone, but I'm in a good place in my life, right now. I can help her, because I'm strong. I tell her that all the time. It doesn't necessarily get her to call me every time she needs to talk, but I think it helps her to know that I can carry some of her burden. It goes back to the very basic thing that we all need to remember. We can't take care of others, unless we take care of ourselves. You need to be selfish, but selfish in a way that will end up helping others. You need to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to make yourself healthy and strong, in all ways, not just physically. It will carryover into all parts of your life. It will help your relationship with your husband, your kids, the rest of your family, and your friends.

    I'm so glad that you and your husband had a talk about your relationship. That is the first step to fixing things. Communication is very important. Men and women usually think differently and need different things. You can't just assume what the other person thinks or feels. You need to show each other, and talk about it. One of my SparkFriends calls her healthy living stuff self homework. I love that term. I think it can mean more than just physical stuff. I think self homework is about improving the person, as a whole. You and Jason, both need to do some self homework, and then compare notes. Find out what you need, and what makes you happy, and then share that with each other. Plan for some time for your family to be together, time for the two of you to be together, and time for each of you to be alone. It will take a lot of work, but it will be worth it. In the end, you will all be much happier.

    I'm going to continue to pray for you and your family. I know God will help you with this. Whenever something seems too hard, just talk to Him about it. He won't give you more than you can handle. You can also talk to me. Like I said, I'm in a good place in my life, right now. I'm strong enough to support my friends. We can get through things together. :)

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    3600 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/6/2011 2:54:19 PM
    Even when going through all of life's distractions - good and bad - we need to focus on those people around us that care. Good for you for coming to the root of your feelings. Remember we are here to lean on too! *Hugs*
    3601 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1315172
    Hugs and prayers!
    3601 days ago
    You are dealing with alot. emoticon Take one day at a time. emoticon
    3601 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through all of this! I went through post-partum depression - it was never actually diagnosed, but when I look back at myself and my actions during that time, I am positive that is what it was. You know you should be happy and you're not exactly sure why you're not happy, but you just can't do anything to really MAKE yourself feel good. It just goes deeper and deeper unless you stop it. From what you have written, it sounds like you are ready to take the steps and pull out of it. You have looked at everything and you know what you need to do. I hope you and your husband can work through everything. Without the support of my husband I don't know how I would have come out of that dark place myself. I think mending that relationship will lead you to a much better place and everything else will follow. I'm here if you ever need to chat. You can do this and I'm positive that you will!!!
    3601 days ago
    I know just what you mean. Low self esteem IS selfish. I never really thought about it like that before. I have felt like I can't do anything right. I can't make anybody happy.

    "I" never thought about how many times I start a sentence with "I". It's scary.

    You did do the right thing by apologizing, even though things didn't work out the way you'd hoped. Remember that you've done all you can do, it's up to your friend to decided if she wants to accept the apology and move past it or end the friendship. You family should step up and apologize for their part in the whole mess. But again, that's up to THEM, not YOU.

    If I've learned one thing in life it's that I cannot control others. I can't make them love or accept me and I can't make them see things from my point of view.

    It's a painful part of life, but friendships do come and go.

    Hang in there.
    3601 days ago
    I hope things get better for you. I think you still need to selfish, but in a different way. You're selfishness that your mentioned in this blog was a negative selfishness. You need to be more of a positive selfish person. Meaning no one should mean more to you than yourself and your family. I know you're friends are going through a divorce, but you shouldn't feel guilty for being blessed in your own life. Yes, you can comfort them, but you shouldn't do it to the point that it brings you down.

    Just focus on yourself and your Husband and Children and no one else. Don't worry about the neighbor things will work out one way or another. Whats important is keeping what you have and improving it and your life.

    3601 days ago
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