My world has been rocked (and not in a good way)
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Well, I decided I just needed to get back here and get doing SOMETHING. I have had a lot of crap thrown my way in the past couple weeks, and I haven't dealt with all of it very well. But life goes on, and I have to. This blog may be long, boring, and contain too much info than you want to hear, so I'm warning you to read at your own risk.
I had hit a bad spot in my weight loss and healthy living and all the goals surrounding that. I was extremely busy doing schoolwork and working at home, and that is all I focused on.
When summer hit, by classes were completed and I was done working. I had all these dreams of spending time with my family and friends and having an awesome summer! Instead, it's been like a dark cloud came over me, and I got into a pretty deep depression. I'm on anti-depressants, so I wasn't suicidal or anything, but I was in a place where I didn't care about anything.
So, I realized I wanted to get better. One of the biggest things I knew I needed to do was talk with my friend next door. We live in a duplex. She lives in one side with her kids and we live in the other. My parents own it and live behind us. Anyway, she is a divorced mom of five. She is soooo like me it's almost scary, and I started to realize I was not being a good friend to her. I was criticizing her behind her back, about her kids and their behavior, and how they eat fast food almost every day, and how her kids eat junk and leave the garbage in our yard. Stuff like that. Basically, I had no right to criticize anything she was doing, because I was doing all the same things. Looking at her was almost like looking in a mirror at myself. I don't like myself very much. And so, it's easier to point out someone else's flaws than work on fixing your own. I started to avoid her too, because I got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at "myself" anymore. I was really starting to hate myself more because I was feeling like a horrible person. I wanted to make it right with her. So, I went over and apologized. We talked for a long time and she forgave me. But after thinking about it, she started to think about who these people were that I was talking to about her. Consequently, they were my mom and sisters. So, she blocked them from her facebook. Then I had them mad at me because they felt I threw them under the bus to make myself feel better. I guess I did in a way, not intentionally, but ended up hurting them.
It is alright between all of us now, but my friend wants to move out now when her lease is up in October. She feels like everything she does is being scrutinized. I begged her not to, and hope she doesn't. Her daughter and my daughter are best friends, and my daughter will be absolutely devestated if they move. So then I will hurt yet another person because of my actions.
I know I did the right thing by making things right and apologizing, but the consequences make me question if I should've just left well alone. Well, what's done is done, and I have to move on.
Then it seemed things just kept piling on me. A friend of mine from high school died of breast cancer a couple weeks ago. I hadn't seen her in a long time, but it was yet another thing that made me stop and think.
Then our basement flooded. It is a finished basement, so the carpeting was soaked and smelled really bad. We had to move everything around and it is still a mess down there.
Two of my friends (one really close friend) are going through bitter divorces right now too. It has been really hard to feel at peace and happy and content when so many other people are having such a bad time.
I was really struggling with all this, and wondering why I could not cope with any of it, after all, I am still soooo blessed with so much in my life, so why do I feel like I just can't handle all of this? Even when things seem to be going okay, I still have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something isn't right.
Well, I realized that is because something ISN'T right. I finally figured out what it was. I realized my husband and I have been just living like roommates for the past couple years. I've closed myself off from him because of my depression over my weight. He's closed himself off from me because he feels like he isn't a real man because he can't make me happy. He lost his job 3 years ago and has struggled finding something to provide well enough for us since. We've had sex once in the past three years. We don't touch each other, we don't hold hands, hug, kiss, nada. We go to bed at separate times and wake up at different times. He spends time with the kids on his own, I spend time with the kids on my own, and we never spend any time together, just the two of us. It's no wonder I feel alone and depressed. It's no wonder I don't work on this weight- I don't feel like he cares so why should I?
SOOOOO........ we had a long talk last night. We got it all out in the open. We both decided things need to change and we made committments to each other to work on mending our relationship.
Low self-esteem is a really selfish thing, if you really think about it. It's almost an oxymoron. I mean, I feel horrible about myself, but in doing so, I am so focused on myself, that I don't reach out to others. I don't think about their needs and wants, because I assume they don't want or need anything from me. It just pushes them farther away from me, which makes me feel more alone, more depressed, and more worthless. I need to stop that. I want to work on making these relationships stronger. And that includes a lot of my sparkfriends that I've just been blowing off in the past few weeks. I'm so sorry, and I want you all to know I want to make it right.
Thanks for listening and caring about me. All of you are such a blessing in my life!