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A little lower than usual

Friday, July 01, 2011

I can't say I've had a hard time lately because nothing significant has really changed other than my attitude. I have a tendency to think of EVERYTHING at once and completely overwhelm myself. And I had these feelings last night because I was disappointed that my boyfriend had to work late instead of coming home and seeing Transformers with me. So that started it off. I had spent the past two days pretty much alone so yeah I can handle a night or two on my own but when it gets to three days in a row it starts to get to me a little. I begin to get that gnawing in my gut that I know is loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends and I did try to make plans but no one could do anything. And one of the nights recently when I was home alone, I did have a binge. And I have been proud to say I hadn't had one in a really really long time. But I knew that being THAT lonely meant it could lead to another binge. I also have been neglecting to study for an entrance exam that I really need to take soon in order to get on the waiting list for the Ultrasound program at my college. So I begin to feel bad that I haven't done that, I begin to doubt that I have the intelligence or determination to do it. Then lately I've felt like even though I'm at a healthy weight I'm beginning to hate my body again. So it all just became too much. I tried really hard to hold it together and did take it out on my boyfriend unfortunately. So when I got home at 5:30 I knew what I would have done. I would have started eating and not stopped until 10pm. What I actually did was take a nap.

Now I know other better options would have been to go out for a run or a bike ride. I had just gotten off the beach and was sunburned and exhausted. And I knew if I napped it would take me past the few hours around dinner time where I was most likely to binge. When I woke up at 8:30 I saw how late it was and knew I only had time for one meal. So I made a whole wheat tortilla pizza with chicken, mushrooms, spinach, and a 1/4 cup of fat free mozzerella cheese. It was delicious and I felt proud that I had a sensible dinner instead of just grabbing whatever was in front of me.

After dinner I allowed myself to eat one bag of 100 calorie kettle corn and one 70 calorie ice pop. I felt so good that I didn't let myself binge. I know it happens and I am just trying not to let it.

Anyway as for my workouts I've been taking it easier and doing more interval training. I backed off on training for a half marathon only because with my obssessive addictive personality, training for it was going to kill me. Right now I am making up my own strength routine using the P90X workouts. I have the little booklet and the night before a strength training session I sit and combine different moves, trying to do different ones all the time to keep my body guessing. I don't do strength training two days in a row anymore, only 3-4 days a week. Usually four but this week I only did 3 because I did A LOT of yard work so my body was aching and I figured I shouldn't. It's hard to find a balance and lately I am wondering if I'll ever lose more fat. I see the people on here with the flat stomachs and I just don't know why if I could lose 70 pounds why I can't lose 10 more. It scares me to think maybe that determination is depleted. But I still work out 6 days a week and this morning asked myself "Why aren't you 125 pounds with a flat lean stomach for all this work you do?". I guess it's nutrition. And I really want to go back to eating the way I used to. I eat a healthy breakfast and lunch and healthy dinners 85% of the time. I know how to do it, I just feel like I can't right now.

Sorry to ramble. I've just been low lately. I really don't know why. I think I need to do more fun things for myself. I'm actually considering going to get a pedicure before work. Maybe it'll cheer me up. Still maintaining though which I try to keep in the back of my mind to cheer me up. A LOT of people don't maintain. So that's a positive right?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    Yes, you're right, you do need more fun in your life. And possibly you're still working out too much? I don't remember exactly what that trainer told you about it. You did do great sidetracking that possible binge, and I'm sure you needed the sleep, too. Perhaps it is time to take it to another level...the emotional level. The next time you're in a bookstore or library, go hold the book by Marianne Williamson called A Course In Weight Loss, and see how it resonates with your heart. It's NOT a diet book, it takes you to the next level, the emotional, psychological, spiritual level. I think you might be ready for it.
    2881 days ago
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