A little lower than usual
Friday, July 01, 2011
I can't say I've had a hard time lately because nothing significant has really changed other than my attitude. I have a tendency to think of EVERYTHING at once and completely overwhelm myself. And I had these feelings last night because I was disappointed that my boyfriend had to work late instead of coming home and seeing Transformers with me. So that started it off. I had spent the past two days pretty much alone so yeah I can handle a night or two on my own but when it gets to three days in a row it starts to get to me a little. I begin to get that gnawing in my gut that I know is loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends and I did try to make plans but no one could do anything. And one of the nights recently when I was home alone, I did have a binge. And I have been proud to say I hadn't had one in a really really long time. But I knew that being THAT lonely meant it could lead to another binge. I also have been neglecting to study for an entrance exam that I really need to take soon in order to get on the waiting list for the Ultrasound program at my college. So I begin to feel bad that I haven't done that, I begin to doubt that I have the intelligence or determination to do it. Then lately I've felt like even though I'm at a healthy weight I'm beginning to hate my body again. So it all just became too much. I tried really hard to hold it together and did take it out on my boyfriend unfortunately. So when I got home at 5:30 I knew what I would have done. I would have started eating and not stopped until 10pm. What I actually did was take a nap.
Now I know other better options would have been to go out for a run or a bike ride. I had just gotten off the beach and was sunburned and exhausted. And I knew if I napped it would take me past the few hours around dinner time where I was most likely to binge. When I woke up at 8:30 I saw how late it was and knew I only had time for one meal. So I made a whole wheat tortilla pizza with chicken, mushrooms, spinach, and a 1/4 cup of fat free mozzerella cheese. It was delicious and I felt proud that I had a sensible dinner instead of just grabbing whatever was in front of me.
After dinner I allowed myself to eat one bag of 100 calorie kettle corn and one 70 calorie ice pop. I felt so good that I didn't let myself binge. I know it happens and I am just trying not to let it.
Anyway as for my workouts I've been taking it easier and doing more interval training. I backed off on training for a half marathon only because with my obssessive addictive personality, training for it was going to kill me. Right now I am making up my own strength routine using the P90X workouts. I have the little booklet and the night before a strength training session I sit and combine different moves, trying to do different ones all the time to keep my body guessing. I don't do strength training two days in a row anymore, only 3-4 days a week. Usually four but this week I only did 3 because I did A LOT of yard work so my body was aching and I figured I shouldn't. It's hard to find a balance and lately I am wondering if I'll ever lose more fat. I see the people on here with the flat stomachs and I just don't know why if I could lose 70 pounds why I can't lose 10 more. It scares me to think maybe that determination is depleted. But I still work out 6 days a week and this morning asked myself "Why aren't you 125 pounds with a flat lean stomach for all this work you do?". I guess it's nutrition. And I really want to go back to eating the way I used to. I eat a healthy breakfast and lunch and healthy dinners 85% of the time. I know how to do it, I just feel like I can't right now.
Sorry to ramble. I've just been low lately. I really don't know why. I think I need to do more fun things for myself. I'm actually considering going to get a pedicure before work. Maybe it'll cheer me up. Still maintaining though which I try to keep in the back of my mind to cheer me up. A LOT of people don't maintain. So that's a positive right?