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Day 548: Clean Your Own House

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I consider many things before I use the work bathroom. Hermetically sealing my body in plastic, determining how long I can hold my breath, and wearing gloves to avoid the germ-infested door handle come to mind.

Giving away my crap? Not so much.

And yet people bring in all kinds of unwanted toiletries to litter the bathroom counter. Stinky lotions. Hand soaps. Dental floss. Hair dye.

Just sitting there, waiting to be adopted.

The other day someone left an opened box of unused tampons.

Allow me to speak for the entire populous when I say… Not all trash is someone else’s treasure. I'm just sayin'.

On the crazysauce scale, giving away crap in the bathroom is not all that crazy.

That said, I can barely remember to bring myself to work – let alone unwanted tampons for people who clearly have jobs [and can buy their own.]

In the cafeteria, they give away free plastic utensils. There has never been a limit on how many utensils one person can take.

Today, I noticed a dispenser. A utensil dispenser. Just press a lever and out pops one lonely fork.

“I see they put the clamp down on the how many forks a person can take,” I said to my friend, Chloe. “I mean who would press the lever 20 times just to get 20 forks. That would be crazy.”

“I would,” she laughed, without missing a beat. “I know it’s crazy but I would do it anyway. At least, I own my crazy.”

So funny. And so true.

Owning one’s crazy is more efficient than pretending it’s not there.

Once I started owning my crazy,

I started to feel less crazy,

Then, I started liking my crazy

Which lead to liking me.

Just for the record – by crazysauce, I mean the quirky bits that are so uniquely me [not actually crazy].

My crazysauce?

I will not eat from salad bars because the human body sheds thousands of dead skin cells per second. And I don’t like strange skin on my food.
[I need therapy just thinking about it.]

I have always dated passive men - except for one.

Because I need to feel like I am the strongest [and I can take you in a rumble]. Clearly, this is a remnant from an abusive childhood.
I just learned that one. Interesting. No?

I have also made the same female friend for years [just in different incarnations]

They all reminded me of traits my abusive mother had.

Until this journey, I never admitted to the abuse from my childhood so it kept following me around.

In the people I picked to be in my life.

But once I was honest. All of the pain just worked its way out – naturally.

[Yes, some of it was like a kidney stone for sure.]

But the rest was like taking a card from the bottom of a house of cards. The whole structure fell because it had to.

And all of those "friends" went with it.

When I first moved into my house – 6 years ago – I didn’t use heat until it was below 20 degrees. [I did this for two winters.] I mean I slept in 3 coats, under 3 comforters claiming to anyone who asked “I am just saving money.”

But I really had the money.

I was obsessed with losing my house

Because in the back of my head I was afraid…

I would rather chew off my leg than move in with any of my family members - if things didn’t work out.

Um... I use heat now.

Finally, I have the attention span gnat.

That means I learn things really fast, but I also get bored faster.

I have found

In the few lovers I’ve had – all of them bored me after the second date.

I stayed with them anyway because I didn’t think I could do better.

I didn’t like any of them – let alone love them.

Except for a British busker in London, England - named Alex.

My first love [after college.]

And then, there was a one night stand I had in Greece [right before I met him]

Technically, this was lust, not love.

But it was FA-BU-LOUS, y’all.

I feel that sex that doesn’t include Duracell is highly overrated - but if you’re gonna do it…

Make it with a sailor that you met on a boat ride in Greece whose silky, olive skin melts you. Then, he ravages you on a bed with white sheets, laughs and drinks wine with you afterward, and rides you back to your campsite on the back of a motorcycle [which you can’t believe all of your lusciousness can fit on] in the wee hours of the night while the sky is fading from orange to black.

Anyway, back to crazy.

This is a very serious response to the last blog.

“How could one soul be filled with so much bitterness?”

I knew that slice of bread would be controversial. Lots of folks are anti-bread. [Personally, I have never met a carb that I didn’t like].

I would like to treat this query with the gravity it deserves. But I need more info.


Is my soul filled to the brim with bitterness? I mean the tippy, tippy top. Or is there still room for some other stuff?

Like Doritos.

It is almost obscene how I like to lick that fake, powder-y cheese off of those tortilla snackgasms.


How did you get out of the straightjacket to type your response? That is impressive.


I do not like such inspection of my innards from someone who is obviously crazy [and by crazy, I mean crazy.]

I am over people who assess everyone else’s house when their own [insert lots of Pig Latin] amn-day house seems to be a it-shay hole.

Clean your own house.

And I will clean mine.

Three months before this journey started – such ridiculata would have crushed me.

I clearly remember retreating to the life-sized petri dish – the work bathroom – to cry because I wanted to be invited to something and I wasn’t.

I wanted so desperately to be liked and accepted by people I didn’t even like then.

So there among the porcelain gods, I did that thing where you try not to cry and it is like someone is gagging you – so you turn into a heaving, sobbing mess.

That seems like a lifetime ago…

And I used to do that thing where I thanked someone for merely expressing an opinion.

That is their right. No?

It is my right to poo all over my kitchen floor – instead of my toilet.

But I also do this crazy thing called – exercising judgment.

The day I thank someone for saying something stupid to me will be the same day my cats stop sleeping on my laundry. Never.

Now, I say – that’s interesting.

I find all absurdity interesting.

The work bathroom is fraught with interesting characters.

The Dental Floss Samurai.

She slices that floss through her teeth like a machete, conspicuously flinging the debris in the sink – and leaving it there. [Nice. Thanks for only cleaning your mouth.]

And the Prolific Pumper.

Don’t get me wrong, I am pro-pumping of all kinds. Gas. Iron. Breast. You name it, I will support it.

But I do not want to see any co-worker’s teets in a suction device.

Is that too much to ask?

I would like all teeth, gums, chewed up food and breasts to stay hidden – at all times – between the hours of 9 and 5.

And why do the Samurai and Pumper always look shocked when I walk in?

Are they confusing the words “public” and “pubic”? [It is so easy to drop an “L.”]

It is a public bathroom. Puuuuuuuuublic. That means people walk in at any time.

Maybe The Chatter could explain…

She seems to think the sound of someone whizzing is an invitation to converse.

Just for the record – running into someone in the bathroom does not mean they were actually there looking for you.

The bathroom is bizarre.

Bizarre and quirky and unexpected and zany and entertaining and slightly off-putting.

Like life - with toilets.

I guess the crap has to go somewhere.

I'm just sayin'.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEBBIE130
    I wish you would write a book. You make my day when I read your blogs....

    2534 days ago
    I agree w/ your friend Chloe I'm taking my 20 utensils *lol*
    2534 days ago
  • ABB698
    You always make me smile. Just Sayin'! emoticon
    2534 days ago
  • SHARON10002
    I'm with ya on this one, Teeny! emoticon
    2535 days ago
    Oh me oh my, Teeny, how your Teeniness sets me up for the day, nay for the week ahead, no matter what. Long may you rule the blogosphere! emoticon
    2535 days ago
  • FABAT402009
    Thanks for the Weekend Smile :)
    2535 days ago
    I work at a university and so every time I go to use the bathroom I feel like I should put a bandanna over my nose and mouth. It is grodeo to the max. Sometimes I hold it until I can’t stand it anymore. Ha-Ha I feel for you Teeny I am dealing with someone super aggressive with major anger issues at work right now and it sucks. Doing a little house cleaning myself I hope soon. Peace to you sweet girl.
    2535 days ago
    neeed I say more?
    2535 days ago
  • GREASE31

    I've just found/read your blog, your so right to put what you wrote, i've found that everything you have said is true, i will never go to a salad bar myself (bloody dirty filthy buggers!!!!), ever again just the thought of it makes me want to be sick. emoticon emoticon
    2537 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/7/2011 11:13:23 AM
    Another great blog... THANKS! Unfortunately, I may never touch another salad bar again. emoticon I
    2537 days ago
  • JUNEBUG1944
    I always sanitize my hands after going to the salad/buffet bars, but never thought of that dead skin in my food...eeeeuuuu! Thanks for the laughs and the thoughts!
    2538 days ago
  • 1D1W1Y
    Crazysauce meets Awesomesauce ;) Once again.... spot on....
    you give everyone a workout of the mind ;)
    2538 days ago
    You always make me laugh.....and you usually make me think....and right now I'm thinking that my days at the salad bar are completely over!!!! And I'm laughing at the open box of tampons in your work bathroom!!!
    You are simply the best!!!
    2538 days ago
  • SML1122
    spark people needs a block button like fb does so you can block out the crazy. just sayin'.

    on a separate note, i may have to rethink ever eating at a salad bar. ever. again.

    so, thanks for that. :-)

    although... i am pretty good about blocking certain things out like the reports about how many insect parts are allowed in your can of tuna. just add celery and l/f mayo and consider it unspoken protein, i suppose. ugh. ok i have to stop now or i'll never eat again. guess thats one way to diet! but i like food too much. -sigh-

    love ya sista. (hugs)

    2538 days ago
    LMAO!!!! OMG, I wish you'd write every day.......!!!!!!
    2538 days ago
    LOL - there's a co-worker whose bladder is inexplicably wired to mine, we often joke about our "bathroom staff meetings". :)
    2538 days ago
    I am so done with Self righteous bitter biddies pointing their finger at everyone else!!!! CLEAN YOUR OWN HOUSE, QUIT LOOKING NEXT DOOR!
    2539 days ago
    "Once I started owning my crazy,

    I started to feel less crazy,

    Then, I started liking my crazy

    Which lead to liking me. ''

    Are you me? Are you milking my thoughts right up out of my own head? Are we sisters, were you down the hall my whole life?

    I read your blogs and feel like you sucked my own thoughts and feelings out of my brain! Love it! Please keep writing!!!!
    2539 days ago
    "Clean your own house. And I will clean mine." This day and age everyone, and I mean everyone feels the need to espouse their opinion about everything! I know that I am stewing in my own crazysauce, let me do it! You may join me or simply watch me swim! Your blog is always insightful! Love it!
    2539 days ago
  • RAD062010
    You have "The Gift".

    2539 days ago
  • MLTH125
    Wow! Loved your blog! I'm on the same page with the Public anything! Just say No to anything Buffet style!
    2539 days ago
    ''Once I started owning my crazy,

    I started to feel less crazy,

    Then, I started liking my crazy

    Which lead to liking me. ''

    Spot on, sister! I can SO relate to this. Not too long ago, something in me changed. I just stopped feeling the need to apologize for who I am. I'm absolutely nuts and have been for as long as I can remember - big deal. We're amazing and maybe that amazingness is a direct result of the crazy. Who knows? But we're in good company. :)

    2539 days ago
    2539 days ago
    Love your blog! emoticon
    2540 days ago
    Where the heck do you work?! And can I travel with you sometime?
    2540 days ago
    i so love you! you always make me see things with a twist,,,,i sit here n do that "confused dog" head tilt while i read them....awesome!
    2540 days ago
    emoticon for sharing all of your wonderful insightful points. It's people that make the world go round. emoticon emoticon
    2540 days ago
  • PUNZIE73
    You're my Spark Hero!

    I'm quirky and I make NO apologies for it.

    Thank goodness I work in a very small firm, I have 4 or 5 woman I have to share a restroom with daily, fortunately we have ample toilets...and an amazing maid service! I personally don't get people who want to have a full-fledged convo with someone when they're ON the can. I mean, can it wait 3 minutes!

    I'm anti buffet, because I don't like folks talking, leaning or picking near my food. Yesterday at Cracker Barrel I bought my own syrup and measuring spoon. Does that make me weird? Who knows, but Vincent looked and smiled then replied, "No you didn't." To that I said, I sure as hell did! and please pass the butter.

    2540 days ago
    hmm, i must have missed the bread wars! But great blog all the same...and yes, I do think leaving stuff in the work bathroom for people to take is weird! :-)
    2540 days ago
    snackgasm? love it! have a wonderful 4th!
    2540 days ago
  • MILI123
    Girl, you have me fantasizing of a vacation in GREECE! emoticon
    2541 days ago
    I love how you so clearly state the crazy-soup (I like soup!) that's running around in my head, too!
    2541 days ago
    You know its crazy the world we live in how so often the person that we might think has it all together really doesnt. I am over joyed that you have found a way to over come certain issues in your life. Your strength is amazing because we often dont find it to change the thing that we know we need to change or recognize it. I have tears of joy knowing that your life has been changed by you and only you. I CONTINUE TO WISH YOU THE BEST ALONG YOUR JOURNEY also knowing that you are helping me through mine! emoticon
    2541 days ago
    Please tell me you are writing a book... you are just too much!
    2541 days ago
    Girl! You crack my arse up! I love reading your blogs. You have so many great points that you manage to make humorous while writing. I can't tell you how many times I just start laughing and thinking, yup... I know exactly what she is talking about. Our bathroom at work???? Same way! But we still have unlimited plastic forks. For now.


    2541 days ago
    I really needed to hear that - all of it. You rock!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2541 days ago
    you rock!!!!
    2541 days ago
    WOW!! Drinking tea and reading at the same time will never be a practice of mine again! omg! My sinuses!! I think I just snorted tea.. is that even possible????

    You are amazing!

    I am definately suscribing to your blogs!!

    2541 days ago
    I am laughing my a** off! Weight! Does that count? Adds down, takes off?
    Love your stream of consciousness. Hilarious.
    Down to the toes and digging in. And fearless, yes.
    2541 days ago
    After one of your blogs a few months ago I went back and read your first entries. (This would just be 3 months after that messy sobbing fit in the bathroom.) You are always talking about this journey and how you were before you started not taking any ap-cray. Every day you timidly blogged about exercise and diet. And then somewhere about three weeks in you stood up for yourself. And you felt great. Teeny, it is amazing to see how far you have come. You make me laugh out loud, question my own actions and want to change for the better. This isn't about me. I just want to thank YOU for for teaching us not to take the ap-cray ANYMORE!
    2542 days ago
    I am personally horrified by the bathrooms at my work. I can identify with the disgust at the stinky used lotions (how many years have they been there???), body sprays, and used perfume I've found...

    Pumping should be in clean, sanitary, and PRIVATE locations. As a former lactating mother, I know how clean the bottles, and all of the apparatus must remain. The bathroom--not the cleanest place or best choice for pumping. Lactating mothers need space to pump. And accommodations.

    I love that you are recognizing your patterns--dating a certain kind of guy, finding friends that share traits with your abusive mom. Recognizing and reflecting can lead to healing and I hope that it is healing you to think about and learn from your patterns. I used to be afraid of people with money because I thought that they would try to control me--as in my childhood--and avoided people with money. I can understand wanting to date only those with whom you felt you could handle yourself physically... hopefully, you'll get to a place where you can trust someone and not feel you need to defend yourself physically.

    Great blog--as usual! Thank you for your honesty and for sharing. Keep sparking! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2542 days ago
    Own my crazy! Love that! Great blog ~ nice to get all that out and make us smile at the same time! And yet another reason to want to visit Greece....
    2542 days ago
    Fabulous blog. emoticon
    2542 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/2/2011 3:12:58 PM
    note to self - must take trip to Greece..... ;) Great blog as always! xo emoticon
    2542 days ago
  • IN102WIN
    Okay then.... Ummm I totally loved the blog! Great as usual!! When would your book be out!! emoticon
    2542 days ago
    All I can say is stay fabulous. I don't see anything bitter I see nothing But FABULOUS!!!keep keeping it real You are truly AWESOME!
    Happy 4th of July emoticon
    2542 days ago
    You continue to rock with your totally awesome blogs. Seriously. And the person who made the wonky remark...wow, what a sad person he/she is. You, on the other hand...wow. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. That's you!

    2542 days ago
    Hey, I saw the "How could one soul be filled with so much bitterness?" comment. My immediate reaction was to think 'How could one mind be so shallow, to just miss the overall point entirely?' But it wasn't just stupid and shallow, it was also mean.

    So my next thought was that the comment was like someone both shallow and mean, walking into a room full of happy people, and not only saying something rude that no one else appreciated, but then also farting and leaving behind a stink so vile and disgusting, that it required gas masks!

    Thanks for your contribution, "Shallow Mean & Vile". Now... how about darkening the world somewhere else, and never coming back here?! It would make many folks very happy here if you could do that for us!"

    And I had these thoughts before I read your new blog...

    But let me now dwell on happy thoughts! :o) Like how once again, you've done it again, and given us a skillfully written blog both entertaining and deep, as well as fearless.

    I am with you all the way on owning my crazy and liking my crazy! Lol ;o) Hell, I like mine so much that I embrace my crazy and make love to it! (my crazy not to be confused with my wife) Is that crazy? Of course it is! Because I'm crazy! And luvin' it! Lol ;o)

    When Aristotle Onassis married Jackie Kennedy, lots of guys were yelling "That lucky Greek!!!" The experience you described reminded me of that, and caused me to suddenly yell out the same thing! Lol ;o)

    All this in three months, huh? Now that's impressive and so are you. Seriously.

    Sex that doesn't include Duracell is highly overrated? I've had this comedy riff around since the 1980s called "The All Attachments Included Nuclear Vibrator!" and I still do it some nights when I do stand up. So I do understand where you're coming from! Lol :o)

    Thanks for another great blog!!!
    2543 days ago
  • JRIMM4

    Even more Awesomesauce!

    Have a great holiday weekend!

    2543 days ago
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