Ecstatic to Devastated in less than a week

Monday, June 27, 2011

This week has been such a roller coaster for me and right now it is so low that I don't know when I will be able to pull myself up again.

This past Wednesday (6/22) I was almost a week late. I decided to try a cheap pregnancy test after hours and hours of fighting with myself because I was afraid it would be another negative. To my surprise, it was positive. After freaking, I decided I needed to go get a digital one that left no room for interpretation, either you are or your not. I was! So after some screaming, some crying, and a call to the Dr to schedule my first appointment, I felt like the luckiest woman on earth. We have tried for a year and 4 months to get pregnant, only ovulating twice within that time and the second time worked! No fertility drugs or anything, just an HSG to open things up!

So that night one of my best friends asked me and I couldn't lie so I told her. We started planning how I was going to tell my husband and my family and friends. Just to make sure, I took another test Friday which was positive before I told my husband our good news. Then right before he came home from work, I started to get a little pink spotting. Nothing major, but I was a little concerned. So I put the Build a Bear I got to share the news away and decided not to tell him. Then when we went to leave to go to dinner, I couldn't resist telling him. Took a while to sink in, but he was really happy once it registered.

On Saturday morning, just to be on the safe side, I took more tests. 2 cheap ones and a digital. I got slightly worried because the 2 cheap ones didn't show anything, but the digital gave me a positive. I was still hopeful because the spotting had stopped. Or so I thought...

Late afternoon on Saturday the spotting came back. Slightly heavier than Friday but was still trying to relax. I called home to talk to my parents since they are coming to visit this week and talked for about 30-45 min. Once I got off the phone with them, I went to check on things. The bleeding was a little heavier so I told my husband and starting crying because I didn't know what to do. Earlier a friend said if it got worse to go to the ER so we eventually decided to do that and get things checked out.

We got there and were taken back fairly quickly. First step, urine sample. This is when I knew what I was afraid of all along. It was full of blood. The nurse came in to check on me and make sure everything was ok and found me bawling and trying to pull myself together. Over the next 2 hours, there were several tests done and my diagnosis was spontaneous miscarriage. Two of the worst words in the entire world. Especially to someone who tried for so long, finally got the happiest result they could have ever asked for, only to lose it all in the end only 4 days later.

My husband, god bless him, is trying so hard to help me. I just feel like a walking zombie. I have held it together most of the days since, except a few break downs here and there when he wasn't around. Today was the worst since he went back to work and I am home alone. Nothing but time to think and to remember what we had and so quickly lost.

My only silver lining through all of this is that we did it on our own. For all of my fellow ladies/men who are struggling with infertility know that that is HUGE! No fertility drugs, just an OPK, prenatals, an HSG to clear the way, and us. I have to hold on to that hope that we are still going in the right direction because if I don't, I don't know if I can ever pull myself out of this depression.

I apologize for this post being such a downer, but I know there are a few who have asked since my status update so I wanted to fill everybody in. My advice to anyone who finally gets a + and starts spotting, get checked asap. No matter how small or "normal" people tell you it is. Maybe if I did get it checked the day before when it all started, I might have been able to save my baby.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry emoticon
    3321 days ago
    I'm am so sorry. emoticon
    3326 days ago
    I have lost two pregnancies both around 10 weeks. All that I can say is that you are not alone. I know the heartbreak that you feel. I know how hard it is to have to untell people. I wish that I could give you a big hug! You will get past this, it will make you stronger in the end. I have never forgotten my two babies that could have been and sometimes it hurts like it just happened. But you will get through this, One day at a time. emoticon emoticon
    3328 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through. Just know that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome and try to focus on the positive as hard as it may be. You did do it naturally, so that is a big positive. That means that you can do it again without help, and hopefully have a full term baby sometime in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you. emoticon
    3328 days ago
  • CHIFANG130
    Hi! I too had a miscarriage before and I know how it felt. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Sometimes it was just not meant to be and you kept wondering. But what happened had happened, nothing you can do to change it. You know right now you are your own first priority. Take very good care of yourself and your body and the miracle will happen again. Think positive.
    3330 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I've been there - trying and trying and going through so much, to finally get a + and then 2 days later be told "no the hormone levels went down." No matter how early, and even knowing there is nothing that could have been done different, it's still a huge, crushing loss.

    Hold onto the positives you have already pointed out to yourself. Hopefully soon you'll be pregnant again, and this time go all 40 weeks.

    My prayers are with you.


    (PS - my twins are 8 - it took a lot more trying to get there, but they are here)

    3330 days ago
    3330 days ago
    Oh no! I had the same thing happen to me and know what you're going through. Hang in there and keep on trying. You know you can do it on your own - you WILL be successful. Just keep on believing that and it will come. Good luck!
    3330 days ago
    Hey so sorry for your loss. But I do need to reassure you of one thing, at that early of a pregnancy even if you had gone to the doctor there is nothing that they can do to stop a spontaneous abortion, they just keep checking your blood levels and watch the hormone levels to see if they go up or down. NOTHING you did or didnt do would have made the difference. My prayers are with you.
    3330 days ago
    Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes and know the pain and grief you are experiencing. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of little one you tried so hard to conceive. emoticon

    Laurie emoticon
    3330 days ago
    I am so sorry for you.
    3330 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8066537
    I am so sorry to hear this I have never been pregnaunt and would love to be.

    Prayers on your way to a healthy baby soon!
    3330 days ago
    So sorry for your loss -- please don't beat yourself up about not checking the day before -- as much as it hurts, I don't think you would've been able to change the outcome. No need to blame yourself -- it's just such a painful thing to experience.

    Praying for healing and for new hope -- all the best to your and your husband.

    3330 days ago
    Im so sorry for your loss, I hope that you and your husband will be successful in the future when you both feel its the right time (physically, emotionally)to try again. A very dear friend of mine had expereinced the same, and about a year later found herself pregant and have a very healthy successful full term and birth. I hope the very same for you. Take care of yourself
    3330 days ago
    I am so sorry and can only hope for th ebest in the future
    3330 days ago
    I'm so sorry to read this... prayers that your next try will be successful and go to term!
    3330 days ago
    Sorry for your loss. emoticon
    3330 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1425027
    I have friends in your shoes, and know there aren't any words that will make it better.

    So sorry for your loss of this pregnancy.
    3330 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4429274
    I can't say anything here except that I will add my voice to the many others wishing you well at this terribly difficult time. I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through.
    3330 days ago
    So sorry for your loss, may you have peace and comfort during this difficult time. God bless.
    3330 days ago
    I am so very sorry. I don't know what else to say.
    3330 days ago
    Very sad. My wife and I haven't been able to have kids in the past 4 years and won't be able to due to issues she had when she was young. Great news for you CAN have a child and don't have to rely on meds. Keep up with your weight plan and exercise, it may help with a healthy full term pregnancy. Best of luck.
    3330 days ago
    So sorry. So, so tough. A million years ago I had a miscarriage (3 mos. pregnant). I just found that anything anyone said to me was totally ridiculous. I wasn't them. You have to work it out with yourself and your husband. And so not to say something dumb here, I'm going to stop, except to say-feel your pain and my heart goes out to both of you.

    Best wishes for the future.
    3330 days ago
    I am so very sorry for your loss =( Don't let the hindsight get you. Hope you have better luck in the future.

    Sticky baby dust! emoticon
    3330 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.