Ecstatic to Devastated in less than a week
Monday, June 27, 2011
This week has been such a roller coaster for me and right now it is so low that I don't know when I will be able to pull myself up again.
This past Wednesday (6/22) I was almost a week late. I decided to try a cheap pregnancy test after hours and hours of fighting with myself because I was afraid it would be another negative. To my surprise, it was positive. After freaking, I decided I needed to go get a digital one that left no room for interpretation, either you are or your not. I was! So after some screaming, some crying, and a call to the Dr to schedule my first appointment, I felt like the luckiest woman on earth. We have tried for a year and 4 months to get pregnant, only ovulating twice within that time and the second time worked! No fertility drugs or anything, just an HSG to open things up!
So that night one of my best friends asked me and I couldn't lie so I told her. We started planning how I was going to tell my husband and my family and friends. Just to make sure, I took another test Friday which was positive before I told my husband our good news. Then right before he came home from work, I started to get a little pink spotting. Nothing major, but I was a little concerned. So I put the Build a Bear I got to share the news away and decided not to tell him. Then when we went to leave to go to dinner, I couldn't resist telling him. Took a while to sink in, but he was really happy once it registered.
On Saturday morning, just to be on the safe side, I took more tests. 2 cheap ones and a digital. I got slightly worried because the 2 cheap ones didn't show anything, but the digital gave me a positive. I was still hopeful because the spotting had stopped. Or so I thought...
Late afternoon on Saturday the spotting came back. Slightly heavier than Friday but was still trying to relax. I called home to talk to my parents since they are coming to visit this week and talked for about 30-45 min. Once I got off the phone with them, I went to check on things. The bleeding was a little heavier so I told my husband and starting crying because I didn't know what to do. Earlier a friend said if it got worse to go to the ER so we eventually decided to do that and get things checked out.
We got there and were taken back fairly quickly. First step, urine sample. This is when I knew what I was afraid of all along. It was full of blood. The nurse came in to check on me and make sure everything was ok and found me bawling and trying to pull myself together. Over the next 2 hours, there were several tests done and my diagnosis was spontaneous miscarriage. Two of the worst words in the entire world. Especially to someone who tried for so long, finally got the happiest result they could have ever asked for, only to lose it all in the end only 4 days later.
My husband, god bless him, is trying so hard to help me. I just feel like a walking zombie. I have held it together most of the days since, except a few break downs here and there when he wasn't around. Today was the worst since he went back to work and I am home alone. Nothing but time to think and to remember what we had and so quickly lost.
My only silver lining through all of this is that we did it on our own. For all of my fellow ladies/men who are struggling with infertility know that that is HUGE! No fertility drugs, just an OPK, prenatals, an HSG to clear the way, and us. I have to hold on to that hope that we are still going in the right direction because if I don't, I don't know if I can ever pull myself out of this depression.
I apologize for this post being such a downer, but I know there are a few who have asked since my status update so I wanted to fill everybody in. My advice to anyone who finally gets a + and starts spotting, get checked asap. No matter how small or "normal" people tell you it is. Maybe if I did get it checked the day before when it all started, I might have been able to save my baby.