Collecting Thoughts

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Disordered Eating and Body Dysmorphia.

Right now, the depression, anxiety and insomnia are well controlled, and I am taking steps and working hard on BPD.

But the disordered eating and body dysmorphia righteously blow. And it seems like no matter what steps I try to take, they creep back into my life at the most inopportune times and in the harshest of ways.
As far as disordered eating - I have been anorexic and find it is incredibly easy to slip into patterns of deprivation; especially when my body's schedule - my circadian rhythms - get messed up...that is one reason it is of vital importance to keep my insomnia in check.
But I also go the other way - I binge - I go mad. I simply cannot eat enough!! I've tried, in the past, but have a very difficult time with purging. So, when I binge, that's all it is...a complete bender. I don't know what triggers it. I don't know if its simply emotional eating gone badly awry, or if its some physiological response that my body has to the past abuses I've done to it.
Regardless - I had one of these spiral-madly-out-of-control binges tonight, after what felt like an amazing day! And I am just gobsmacked...

I really don't know what to do.
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