And Bam here we go again!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I have found that it will never be easy to change. Especially when no one around you are will it to do the same. Recognizing my emotional eating habit does not negate it. I seems that as soon a I think "I got this" Bam I get hit where it hurts and look up and I am eating something I have not business doing.
My brother moved to Virginia 2yrs ago to get married to a woman who had dumped him and years before. He left a woman who he been with for 20 twenty years; they raised 5 kids only one was his. When he left her he came and stayed with me until he left. When he left he owed me money, and I was angry with him because he had given money to others in front of me and never said anything to me about the money he owed me. When I confronted him about it he said he would take care of me later. You know "its you can wait its no thing" and went on. During the next two yrs I heard from his once in a blue moon. Where I did what I usually do I never mention how he left. when he called or I called him it would always be short and to the point. I am alright with that we are talking. Before I left NC I found out that the woman had dumped him again and he was having a baby with someone else who is married and waiting to get a divorce. Well I was shocked. I am his big sister, his only sister and he does not think enough of the tell her about what is going on in his life. It hurt. Yes it did. and when he called my daughter whom he has been calling all the time and telling he all the has gone on in his life. I am all right with that but when he call and I happen to pick up the phone and asked why he didn't tell me he said he though he had and I believed him, he still didn't tell me anything just asked for DD and hung up. Now come the hits: later when I mention what had gone on with him to my DD she hit the ceiling he did not want me to know and since she told me he was going to be mad at her. I felt as if a sludge hammer had hit me in the chest. First why my DD more worried about how he would react than about how I would feel finding out that my brother had cut me out of his life I never had a clue. I was in so much pain I just stood there with my mouth open. I ate a whole bag of sweet potato fries with a large glass of kool aid. A half bag of mike and ikes of the children just on and on for the rest of the day. I just could not get rid of my sweet tooth. I finally pulled myself up and said remember Ann just you and God cares about how you feel.. Ok fast forward to yesterday. I am at the doctors and I get a call from him; he ask that I call when get home I didn't he wind up calling me. He said that he had a test and he has prostate cancer that the will operate on next week he though I should know. This is where I am afraid I have done something I will be beating myself up for a long time. I said " I am sorry to hear that and I will be praying for you, but let me ask you why did you feel I need to know bad new but not good enough to share good new with? He started to say he was sorry I cut him off and said that all I have for him is prayer.
emoticon I am not like this but I am so tired of the way they assume it is alright to do these things to me. I want to be there for them but I don't want to be taken for granted. Doing this is against my nature as a natural missionary. I love my family but for to long the have taken that love and used it as a weapon against me. I have fruit and granola bars and all the right foods in the house but I go to the store and buy mike and ikes and barbecue cheese doodles. My husband just said: I knew you couldn't do it and emoticon LHAO.
With tears in my eyes I down them and am now crying on your shoulder. Any advice? I feel so bad. emoticon
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