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Destructive Behavior

Thursday, June 23, 2011

well where do I start. ::heavy sigh:: I have been on a 6 month long roller coaster ride it seems, and I seriously want to get off now.

I hit 162 back in December of 2010 and decided that I still wanted to get down to at least 150. I figured hey 12 pounds wont be hard, give me a few months and I will be there. It unfortunately has not proven to be as easy as I thought. I really don't know what my problem is. I do really great for a week, maybe two and then destroy all my hard work with over eating, nibbling and even binges. I have never binged (I hope I am spelling that right) in my entire weight loss journey in the last two years.... but now I do. I go in the kitchen and I'm a little munchy and then I find myself standing in front of a cabinet stuffing stuff into my mouth in a very fast pace.... The things that are going through my mind... "you shouldn't be eating this.... I will do better tomorow.... This is why you don't lose weight.... You are going to gain everything back if you keep doing this.... but it tastes so good"

by the time I am done eating a hand full of chips here, a spray of cool whip there, a few of the kids cookies, left overs, ect ect ect.... I have polished off close to 1000 extra calories I'm sure. Then I go and sit and feel bad about myself and try and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I will get my but back on track.

Then I do push myself hard for a number of days... I feel good about myself, although I am tired.

I have found myself in the last few months bouncing between anywhere from 164 down to 155 pounds. up and down up and down. I tend to mostly stay right around 160 though.... once I get to 155 I find it very hard to maintain that before I bounce up again. I am currently at about 160.

I find it hard to admit that I am having so many problems, I have stopped logging on to spark people, updating my status as much, responding to emails. People on here look up to me so much and are inspired by me and most days I don't feel like I deserve it. I know I know I should look at what I have accomplished... I should focus on the fact that I have lost over 100 pounds. Not many people can say they have done that.... and the fact that I even complain about the last 10 pounds makes me feel like I sound vain and unappreciative of how far I have come.

I know that losing the last 10 pound though... most likely wont make me happy. I have set it in my mind that it will... but deep down I know it wont make any difference at all. I am horribly unhappy with my body the way it is now. No clothes fit right, I sit down and have this huge overhang of skin that comes over my pants and gives me a muffin top, I look in the mirror naked and I still have the same rolls of fat on my stomach.... even though I know its not fat..... its mostly skin. I decided that maybe if I went out an bought some new clothes I would feel better about my body. So I asked my husband if I could take the sams club credit card and go to walmart and charge a few things. Everything in the women's section was ugly and everything that I could stand in the juniors section did not fit right because everything is low rise or too tight fitting, which disagrees with my sack of a stomach. I went in the dressing room with about 12 things and came out with none. I was upset and came home and ate. Im sure everyone up here knows that when you are fat, obese, overweight, whatever you want to call it, you sit and day dream about what its going to be like when your not overweight anymore. One of my day dreams was about being able to walk in a store with a handfull of 12 things and go in the dressing room and look good in the things you picked out instead of trying things on and nothing fitting right and then walking out with nothing after you have dried your eyes from all the crying you did after the 12 things did not fit right........ and look at me I have lost over 100 pounds and I am still the same girl that I was at 270 pounds.... crying in the walmart dressing room.

I keep telling myself that if I lose enough weight then I will be able to wear clothing and not look bad or feel bad... that I can just roll up the skin somewhere and it will disappear. I know that is not happening though.

I truly wish I could accept my body the way it is... I know that's not going to happen. I just have to wait a few years till I can save up enough money for a tummy tuck. I know that if I had the skin removed I would be happy with myself, right at the weight I am at now. I went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation by the way... its turns out that just the tummy tuck will cost a little over 10 thousand dollars. Even with a plastic surgery credit card I would not be able to afford the payments, which would be over 300 dollars a month.

If I keep going to this destructive path I am on now then I am going to gain all my weight back. I just know it. the one night binge is going to turn into a week or a month and then Im going to find myself back at 180 or 190 and I'm going to feel horrible, and embarrassed and stop logging on to spark people and then gain a bunch more.

I have seen it up hear before. people lose weight and then do bad, gain weight, get embarrassed, avoid spark people and then gain more.

So maybe I need to change up what I am doing. Maybe I just need to focus on maintaining and not losing. Maybe if I focus on the process and not results then I will find myself in a much healthier, happier place. I just know I cant keep going down this path because Its not giving me the results I want anyway and I'm not feeling very good physically or mentally right now.

Thanks for listening to my self analyzing. Maybe admitting some of this stuff "out loud" will help me fix the problem.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Maybe you're right. Maybe you should just focus on maintaining for a while. Maybe you need to get out of what you are used to and just have some fun. Maybe you are at a good weight for you and your body doesn't want to budge right now. Wal-Mart clothes are rather ill fitting no matter what your size. Maybe you go buy one nice shirt or dress that really fits you instead of several things that do not.
    Maybe you stay on here and keep inspiring people just by letting them know that you are human and that you struggle just like everyone else.
    2495 days ago
    I'm the same place you are, except I am still 60 pounds overweight! I've lost something like 70 pounds but I keep going up and down from here and can't quite get where I need to go. I follow the same pattern - do really well and lose a bunch of weight, then some stress or life change comes along and I get derailed. I think you are very inspiring and you will get there eventually. Just keep taking those small steps in the right direction! We can do it! I know we can!
    2496 days ago
    As I sit here seven pounds from goal I like you am going through the same things. Since November i've been at this weight, oh maybe a bit less or more depending on the day. I binge eat for no reason and the self sabatage thing is getting in my head now and i'm wanting change. Enough for both of us. I like you need to see the I only have this many pounds left instead of the ....Oh man I still have this much left to lose. We need to learn to love us as we are today and the rest will fall into place. Like you I'm having a hard time finding items to fit...and leave the stores most often with nothing. I told my husband I couldn't find clothes fat and I can't find any thin. You my friend are one of the strongest women I know. You will succeed and you have. HEck you came back and logged on and let it out. That is more than a lot do. Some I have seen go by the wayside and never return. Just take this one day and one pound at a time. Be proud of how far you have come. emoticon
    2496 days ago
    I just wanted to say thank you so much for your honesty. I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read your post. Sometimes it just makes all the difference to know that we aren't alone in this struggle. On Monday morning, I finally hit the 30 pound weight loss mark. It's now Thursday evening, and I've spent the last 4 days sabotaging myself at every opportunity. I'm scared to death to get back on the scale, and I'm scared that I won't be able to get back on track. But tomorrow morning I'm going to do both. I wish you all of the best as you fight through those last 10 pounds. Your progress so far is amazing. You have proved over and over that you are strong and that you can do this. Take good care of yourself this week!
    2496 days ago
    You cannot forget you have made it this far!!! You do sound like you've hit a plateau. You can break through it if you are patient with yourself. Don't give up!!
    2497 days ago
  • BAKER1009
    Jess, I could have wrote this myself! That is how I have been feeling. I almost didn't login this morning! But I know being here, surrounded by support, is a good thing.
    I too am 10 lbs from goal. I actually hit 159 for a day a few weeks ago, but keep going back up 3 or so pounds, and then down 1 or 2. My personal goal was always 160, so maybe there is where I belong. I am happy with my body. I am, afterall 40 lbs less then when I started. And you have done way more than me. You should be very proud of yourself. You are beautiful, and you have done so much to get where you are!!

    Hang in there girl, because you are totally worth it and you are beautiful!!

    2497 days ago
    I'm on the same page you are. I was as low as 153 and as high as 165. My ultimate goal is 145 but I think I"m standing in my own way. At least it feels that way when I'm standing in the kitchen looking for something to munch on. Sometimes I think I should just be happy where I am, but mostly I think I need to reach my goal. I just need to find the motivation to keep up the battle for more than one week at a time.
    2497 days ago
    Jess -- First of all ,you are very inspiring. Secondly, in your most recent pix you look tiny!!

    I wonder if you just don't need a break.You sound hungry!! I know you have yourplan down pretty well, but maybe you are just bored right now. You might try another plan just for a change.

    The 160s are hard -- too little for some XL clothes, too big for some, too little for my friends -- the women's section. Everytime I shop it is hard to know where to look.

    I suggest you try MissSmarty Pants. I have a tummy from surgeries and being old, but now I at least know how to cover it up. :) That website really helped me get my clothes together. Now that I know what will lookk good on me, I rarely have any incidents in the dressing rooms (except for finding the right area or size.)

    Hang in there girlfriend --

    2497 days ago
  • SARAHJ19
    Jess...I can completely relate with you! I am in the same boat...standing in front of my pantry stuffing my face with whatever I can grab, while telling myself I shouldnt be doing this. I know how hard this is. I feel like I could have wrote this blog!

    Just remember how strong you are and that you can push through this. Don't give up on spark people, we are here for you! There will be rough patches but know you WILL get through it! I know it, if I can I know you can! Keep your spark friends in mind for support! Also you deserve being looked up to and your are deserving of being an inspiration...you are real and are dealing with real problems that come along with this journey. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. You can get through this! Message me if you need anything!
    2497 days ago
    I just want to thank everyone who has left comments on this blog. I feel so much better now after have read them, then I did before reading them. You all are such awesome amazing people and I know that I would have never made it as far as I have without spark and all of you. :-)
    I know it will take time to get to a place where I am truly happy with myself but I know this is a good starting place, and I will get there one day.

    2497 days ago
    You have accomplished so much and have so much to be proud of! I agree with you that maybe maintaining is a better option for you now and just try to be happy where you are. It isn't easy accepting ourselves when we aren't happy with what we see in the mirror but you have to remember you have done so much in the last two years that now it is time to work on the inner you! We are all here for you and do not want to see you leave spark out of embarrassment. Stay strong and know that whenever you need someone to listen or to vent to, we are all here for you!
    2497 days ago
  • BOVEY63
    I totally understand what you are going through. Even though I know how well I have done so far, I still hate my body and see every flaw when I look in the mirror. I don't know if we will ever get past this, but I do know that logging onto SP daily really does help - even if I'm only on for a short time.

    You have inspired so many of us with your success. Don't ever feel that you don't deserve our admiration because you do. And always remember that we are here for you too!
    2497 days ago
    Push through.....and don't worry about what other people think. You can't worry whether or not you are motivating others when you need to concentrate on yourself. This is all about you!!! Hang in there! You know what you need to do - practice practice practice and it will become habit!
    2497 days ago
    I just read your blog (and Spark Page) for the first time. You sound really discouraged right now, and it must be frustrating to know you've come so far and still feel as if you haven't conquered the destructive behaviors you describe. You've taken a great step by acknowledging your fears and even disappointment in yourself. But, it's also important to remember to be kind to yourself--at least as kind as you would be to someone else! And try not to forget that a food addiction is just as hard to live with as any other kind of addiction, so the first bite is the easiest to take, the second bite is almost impossible to stop. Maybe just writing the blog today was a great way to get back on track and help to sort things out for you. Will be keeping you in my prayers! Jeannie
    2497 days ago
  • LISA01605
    Having leftover, empty skin is something that I am really concerned about. Reading your blog and seeing what you are going through in terms of the skin really scares me. I don't want to have plastic surgery so I hope that by losing slowly I minimize the skin problem. Congrats on losing over 100 pounds! I hope to do the same one day.
    2497 days ago
    I would concentrate on the maintenance for a month or two and then go back to trying to lose the last 10 pounds. Make sure you stay hydrated so that some of your extra skin will shrink with time though it will not completely go away. Trust me even with a tummy tuck you will still find fault in yourself. If it is not the skin it is something else. Take time to remember how your back may have hurt, or getting winding tieing your shoes, etc. Think of how much better off you are now and avoid the pantry door. I remember one time I benged ate and gave myself a good case of food poisoning eating everything in the fridge. I was going through a depressing stage in my life at the time and found comfort in the food.

    Don't feel bad about the 10 pounds, I have been in the same 5 pound area of the past 6 months as well. My New Years resolution was to lose another 30 to 40 pounds this year but I have lost and gained the same 5 over and over. This week I decided to change it up, add more cardio, change up my routines and staying strict on my diet. I am hoping to get past this 5 pound thing this month so that the next month I will have the excitement to finally being somewhere (lb wise) that I have not been to in years. I would love to fly through the 170's straight to the 160's myself.
    2497 days ago
    First off - (((HUGS))).

    You have accomplished a great deal and you should feel proud. That being said, you will battle with weight for the rest of your life, just like everyone else. It's very rare that it ever gets "easy." You just have to learn how to make it work for you.

    That being said, maybe 160 is your ideal weight. If it's where you seem to be able to maintain things and where you are when you're most steady with your eating-well and working out, then perhaps that's your magic number.

    Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, maybe you need to switch things up and try to strive for a different goal - something more fitness related or even money-saving related. Maybe try to find a way to save more on monthly bills while maybe even earning a little more each month and putting all that saving and extra earning into an account set up specifically to help with tummy-tuck costs. Hey - you deserve to look in the mirror and feel pride and there is nothing wrong with wanting a tummy tuck! If continuing to work out, eat well, and save for the next year ultimately allows you to get that tummy tuck, then think about how awesome that would be! A year. Only a year. It'll pass quickly and before you know it, you'll be able to afford your surgery - obviously not paying for it completely with savings, but paying for a nice chunk of it, and then be able to afford whatever additional payments need to be made because you've spent a year cutting back on expenses so now you can put that money towards your bill instead of in that savings account.

    Listen, you know as well as anyone that if there's a will - there's a way!

    Good luck - stay strong - walk proud - be happy - enjoy your accomplishments - celebrate ALL your successes - and never, ever, ever give up! You ARE an inspiration. And not because you're perfect, either. You aren't. And perfect isn't inspirational - REAL is inspirational and you are real. You have struggles, you over come them - you have set-backs, you over come them. THAT is what's inspirational about you and your journey.

    Giant (((HUGS))) to you. Keep on fighting the good fight. You're worth it!

    - Michelle
    2497 days ago
  • BRENDAF761
    You have done an awesome job with your weight loss. I've been trying to maintain my weight loss for 12yrs. now. I will tell you that it never gets any easier. You have to motivate yourself every single day. I've felt just like you many times. I've also had abdominal plastic surgery due to so many health issues after losing my weight. It was the hardest thing I've ever went through. My clothes do fit better but I still don't love the way I look. I wouldn't have it done knowing what I now know about how painful that surgery is. I gained weight after the surgery and just can't seem to lose it. Just remember how great your body feels after losing all your weight! That keeps me motivated and determined to do the best I can everyday! Be proud of how far you've come. You've added so many healthy years to your life! Don't try to be perfect because nobody is. Make today a great day! I'm hitting the streets for a long walk! Take care and good luck to you! Brenda:)
    emoticon emoticon
    2497 days ago
    I hear you about the loose skin. I've got my share, too. I'm almost 60 years old and not financially well off enough to be able to consider surgery. Even if health insurance covered it, I don't have insurance, so I know I have to make peace with my body. In a way, that's been a theme for me throughout life. Regardless of where you see yourself now, you have to know that it is a much, much better place than you were before. Weight-wise, size-wise, loose skin-wise, wardrobe-wise...you are STILL a new and improved version of your overweight/obese self. I doubt you're perfect (none of us is). There's probably always going to be little flaws, or those last 10 pounds, that we wish weren't there. But give yourself credit for how far you've come and what an amazing job you've done! Think about all of the health benefits you've gained! Sit down and make a list of all of the ways you are better off now than you were then, and accept congratulations for each and every thing on your list.

    As far as the bingeing...I'm no expert, but I have battled with being on that eating disorder spectrum in a couple of different places over time. I believe that obsession with dieting, with counting and measuring, jumping on the scale several times a day, and judging ourselves harshly for our imperfections can set us up for disordered eating. The more stringent and unaccepting we are of ourselves, the more we deprive ourselves, the more we are opening the door to a kind of rebound binge. You mentioned maybe focusing on maintaining for a while, and I think that makes sense. Do you track your food? Figure out what your maintenance calories would be for your goal weight and then eat that. Weight comes off very slowly towards the end of our journey, sometimes in fractions of a pound. Just steady your course for a while and see what happens.
    2497 days ago
    O I wish I could reach out and hug you right now!! You sound so sad and I can feel the pain in your voice. Look at the pictures of yourself from before the weight loss and remember where you started! You have come a LONG way - so far, and worked so hard to get here. Don't give up now.

    A lot of people fall prey to the idea that losing the weight will suddenly transform their lives. And while getting fitter does make some great changes, it isn't a magic wand. It won't fix everything. You are still you, with the same insecurities you've had. It takes a lot of time to stop seeing your old self in the mirror of your mind.

    I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress" (don't ask, guilty pleasure) the other day and they had a bride on there - gorgeous, very slim and so pretty - who had recently completed a weight loss of (I think) 120 pounds. She had been overweight her whole life She tried on dress after dress and looked beautiful in all of them. But she didn't end up buying anything because in her head, she still saw "the fat girl" she had been. She just couldn't see how lovely she looked now and that ALL of the dresses looked so pretty on her.

    Explore something new. Maybe you could offer to counsel others who are just starting this journey. They could benefit from your experience and you would feel good about passing on your knowledge. Sometimes the best way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else.
    2497 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/23/2011 9:53:29 AM
    Jess, darling, you've come so far. It's a rough journey. To keep doing this day after day and to live in our bodies with leftover reminders of the way we used to be. Not to mention the habits that still haunt us. Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. We're all here for you. Honestly, we are.

    Chico's ... do you have one of their stores nearby? Their sizes fit differently. Walmart isn't made for women like us. Our bodies are real bodies. Find a store where their clothes fit you, your body and shop there. I know I can buy tops in Walmart, but not pants. Figure out the things you need to know about that supportive body of yours. What it can wear, where you need to shop to fit it and make it look beautiful. How you need to eat to make your plan work for you. Journal, journal, journal those feelings and work through them.

    You'll get off that roller coaster ride. You will. We've all ridden it and might get on for a little spin every now and again, but we don't have to stay on long. YOU CAN DO THIS!

    Love and big HUGS,
    Cathy emoticon
    2497 days ago
  • 62NVON
    Jess! *hugs*

    Perfection is an illusion, my dear. I am having to come to that realization too. I'm pretty much at goal, a little above right now, and I still find myself viewing my body in an unrealistic way. I have the tummy skin issue, but I'm 48, and after years of being overweight, I know I might be stuck with it.

    I think focusing on maintaining for a bit might be a good thing for you. Our bodies hit these little plateaus where they want to settle at a weight. I'm letting mine think it's winning, then I'm going to blast these last 5 off!

    As far as not coming here and being as active... you have accomplished SO much, and people do look up to you and YOU DO DESERVE IT! Documenting your struggles helps people too. It helps them realize that it's a lifelong process and even when you get to goal or close to it, it's still freakin' HARD!

    I know what you are feeling, I'm there too. Please don't give up... you are absolutely amazing!
    2497 days ago
    Jess-- I am SO sorry you have to go through this and I understand totally.

    I've been on a six month roll myself. And I think the 160s are a hard place. XL clothes are a little small sometimes or sometimes too big. You aren't really in the smaller clothes, but the womens' clothes don't fit either. My best advice is Miss Smarty Pants -- they will help you with whatever your body type is right now. I'm an old lady and I know they really helped me with my tummy after surgery. It didn't take it away, but at least now I know how to cover it!!!

    Hang in there girlfriend -- we've all been there and we are SO proud of you. Perhaps you should change your whole plan for awhile. I know you are really ingrained in your plan,but just like my low carb, which works fabulously when I'm ON it, sometimes we need a break. You sound hungry for something different to me. :)

    Just thoughts -- give yourself some credit and a break maybe. :) emoticon
    2497 days ago
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