Day 36: Crash and Burn
Sunday, June 19, 2011
More than a month in now, and I am definitely seeing and feeling some results; I may have only lost 2 kilos (and sometimes not even that on weigh-in days, it fluctuates so much) but my endurance and fitness is so much better. I can run 3.2 miles non-stop. I can swim 8 laps without stopping, almost half a kilometer. People at work are starting to tell me I look firmer.
But then a bad day at work turns it all upside-down, and I revert to my old, harsh self.
I had to do some in depth interviews with other schools, one which was a very gut-wrenching and negative experience. I wanted to cry. I felt like crap. All the bashing the program I took way, way too personally.
But I have learned to separate. To step away from the situation mentally, and analyze what was up. Realize that I had nothing to beat myself up about. Not automatically assume the blame when I was, in fact, blameless.
A+ on that one.
However, the depressive aftermath of one of this bouts did catch up to me. I've felt lethargic and apathetic all weekend, skipping my workouts on Friday and Saturday and eating completely off track both days, partially out of sheer rebellion against myself, I think. I haven't done anything work related, but on the other hand, if I did, it might just be the straw that broke this camel's back on that particular topic/project . . .
I want to recapture my spark. I want my next 30 days to be as awesome as the last. I want to be proud of myself and my willpower and all that I am capable of accomplishing. I want to look back and shout YES! THAT IS ME! THAT IS THE NEW AND FUTURE ME FOREVER! and not shrink off into some corner as I look back on the same old mistakes and fears committed by the same old little person trapped in a cycle of self-hatred.
I do love myself. I do want the best for me. I can be who I want and deserve to be. I don't have to wait for someone else to do it for me. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS MYSELF.