The New Normal
Friday, June 17, 2011
People say you can become accustomed to almost anything. I believe that now. I am having to come to grips with the fact that over the last year, I got used to a "normal" state of being in which I was always tired, frequently ill, depressed, unhealthy, and sufficiently unhappy about all of the above to allow that to poison the happiness I had managed to create in other areas of my life...and to begin to erode my progress there.
My surgery incisions aren't fully healed, I can still feel the void in my gut where something used to be--I move delicately, I can't ride my bicycle (not that I was doing so previously...but now I want to) or my motorcycle for a couple more weeks without risking tearing something internally. I am, briefly, in recovery. The thing is I feel better right now than I can remember feeling in months. I am having a hard time developing the perspective to even compare the two states, yet I had become accustomed to being that other person who felt so much worse all of the time. It came on so gradually and insidiously, that I never realized it wasn't just time and age, and poor fitness, but rather, slow poisoning. I think my appendix had Munchausen by proxy or something--keeping me sick for the attention.
I'm bursting with love for everyone and everything (and no, I'm not a bit ashamed of calling it that--I don't believe in covering up love). I have always held onto a belief in making the world better, in making myself better. I had reached a point where I had begun to despair of achieving anything remotely like that in my life. Now I feel like I've put down an enormous load and I cannot believe that I never knew it was there. I accepted it, and lugged it around, and now I don't have to any more. I am wound so tight I can hardly stand the wait until I can resume my exercise regimen. The antibiotics even cleared up my persistent (and extremely frustrating) sinus infection. I am going to succeed, and I know that now. It's like I climbed a mountain and somebody handed me a stone tablet with "255 lbs."carved on it. I was still wallowing in slow poison when I made the decision to take some positive action about my condition, but I had to force myself to be positive, to keep at it, to believe in my eventual success. Suddenly, that success has become so easy to envision...I would have to work hard not to believe in it...and the fact that starving and hospital food gave me a 7lb jumpstart on my weight loss goals in 2 wks hasn't hurt either! I CAN do this. I am GOING to do this. I am READY to do this!